A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today, than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs, huge erections, and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Q: How did boobs got their name? A: From the top view it looks like a B, the front view looks like oo, and the side view looks like a boobs.

A couple was creating new password and the girl said myboobsandhispenis and it replied sorry not long enough.

Jack at the grocery store ask the lady to show him wear the cookies are. the lady takes him to the bathroom and takes off her shirt and bra, and show her boobs. Jack said why you did you show me that, I wanted a bag of cookies I didn't mean those cookie. Then and the lady said then why didn't you say that you wanted the first cookie meaning not the second cookie meaning. Then Jack said why did you think I wanted to see your boobs in a grocery store.

What do boobs and toys have in common? They were both originally made for kids, but daddies end up playing with them.

“A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?" The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, her breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions." "Onions?" the son asks. "Yes. You see them and they make you cry." This infuriates his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, "Mom, how many different kinds of penises are there?" The mother smiles and says, "Well, dear, a man also goes through three phases. In his 20s, his penis is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it's like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it's like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" the daughter asks. "Yes: Dead from the root up, and the balls are just for decoration."

1. 2022 New Year Sex Joke

THE BETTER
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together. The first one tells her friends, “My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone says, ‘Father.'”

2. 2022 New Year Sex Joke

The devil opened a third door. In it, Rush saw Tiger Woods, lying on the floor with his arms tied behind his head and his legs in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was a line of women—none his wife—servicing him from head to toe. Rush looked in disbelief and finally said, “Yeah, I can handle this.” The devil smiled and said, “OK, ladies, you’re free to go.”

"Better wrap that present up before you give it to me."

Of course, there are things that live in the dark corners of the internet that could land you on Santa’s naughty list for life. So, you may not want to go poking around too much. Luckily, we’ve gone ahead and rounded up some NSFW, adults-only jokes that’ll have you spit-laughing out that eggnog come the holidays. So relax, unwind, and, enjoy these funnies responsibly.

Interested in more Christmas fun? We’ve got a bunch of jolly pages, which include Christmas riddles, Nightmare Before Christmas quotes, Christmas games, and more!

Two girls and a boy are playing doctors and nurses behind the shed one day. The little boy suddenly drops his pants and shows them his penis. One girl screams and runs away, the other rolls her eyes and proudly scoffs, "Pfft, that's nothing. My daddy's got two of those." "What?!" says the boy, "Two?!" "Yeah two," replies the girl, "One for going pee pee and another for cleaning the nanny's teeth."

Johnny said I think my parents were making coffee last night,why asked Timmy, because I heard my mom screaming at my dad to give her the sugar

How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex? Call and tell her about it.

How do you make your wife scream during sex? Call her and tell her about it.

Three sisters decided to get married on the same day to save their parents the expense of separate weddings.
As a further step to reduce the price tag, the three sisters resolved to spend their honeymoon night at home.
Later that night, their mother couldn’t sleep, so she went to the kitchen for a cup of tea.
On her way, she tiptoed by her oldest daughter’s bedroom and heard her screaming.
The mother thought to herself, “That’s normal, especially on her wedding night.”
She snuck by her second oldest daughter’s room and heard her laughing.
“That’s normal too,” she said, smiling to herself.
Finally, she slipped by her youngest daughter’s room where she didn’t hear a peep, but she thought nothing of it.
The next morning in the kitchen, after the husbands had gone out, the woman asked her eldest daughter about last night’s noises.
“Well Mom,” she replied, “you always said if it hurt I should scream.”
“You’re absolutely right sweetheart,
”the mother assured her, turning to her middle daughter.
“Now why were you laughing?” she asked.
“You always said if it tickled, I could laugh,” she answered.
“True enough, honey.” The mother smiled, remembering her newlywed days.
“Now it’s your turn, baby,” she said turning to her youngest daughter.
“Why was it so quiet in your room last night?”
“Mom, don’t you remember? You always told me never to talk with my mouth full.”

It's 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue.
Peggy Sue's father answers the door and invites him in.
He asks Bobby what they're planning to do on the date.
Bobby politely responds that they'll probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.
Peggy Sue's father suggests, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it."
Bobby is shocked. "Excuse me, sir?"
"Oh yes, Peggy Sue really likes to screw. She'll screw all night if we let her."
Peggy Sue comes downstairs and announces that she's ready to go.
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father, "Dad! The Twist! It's called the Twist!"

Sex scream: How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex?

This joke may contain profanity.
A Valentine’s Day Poem
Roses are black,
Violets are black,
I can’t see shit,
Fuck.
Mike walked into a Post Office just before Valentine’s Day
He couldn’t help noticing a middle-aged, balding man standing in a corner sticking “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.  Then the man got out a bottle of Channel perfume from his pocket and started spraying scent over the envelopes.

This joke may contain profanity.
What did you get your girlfriend for Valentine's day?
A T-shirt and a vibrator. If she doesn't like the T-shirt she can go fuck herself!

Adult Halloween Jokes

Q: Where should I go to learn about bones?
A: Osteoclass

Be sure to check out our Top Halloween Decoration List for 2021 to see our favorite decorations this year!

Q: Why did the ghost go to the bar?
A: To get sheet faced.

Q: What do Dracula’s girlfriend and a professional boxer have in common?
A: They both go down for The Count

Quit screwing around on the porch!!!

They are always on the doorstep there waiting for you!

Messaging a new match can seem scarier than any horror movie. How do you catch their attention? Is a simple "hey" too casual, or not casual enough? How many emoji should you add? It's enough to freak anyone out.

Did you enjoy our collection of Halloween jokes for adults? Be sure to check out our other Funny Halloween Jokes. We also have Ghost Jokes, Pumpkin Jokes and Skeleton Jokes for Halloween humor fans.

Enjoying these jokes so far? Want something a little harder? Check out 32 Halloween Riddles for more complicated, mind-bending fun.

Q: What do skeletons call a raging fun party?
A: An osteoblast!

I got so sick of trick-or-treaters on Halloween night that I finally turned off all the lights and pretended I wasn’t home.

I’m not saying my son is ugly…
But on Halloween he went to tell the neighbors to turn down their TV and they gave him some candy.

Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. "Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style?" asked the one. "Well, not exactly." His friend replied, "She's more into the trick dog aspect of it." "Oh, I see, kinky, huh?" "Well, not exactly. I sit up and beg, and she rolls over and plays dead."

One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love.
All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window.
As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina.
The woman started screaming "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!"
The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation.
The doctor thought for a moment and said "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit."
The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina.
The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my penis I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina. The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said "Yes, Yes, whatever, just get on with it."
So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina.
After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper."
So the doctor went deeper and deeper.
After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed.
The young lady began to quiver with excitement.
She began to moan and groan aloud.
The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself, he then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises.
The husband at this point suddenly became very annoyed and shouted, "Now wait a minute! What the Hell do you think you're doing?"
The doctor, still concentrating, replied, "Change of plan. I'm gonna drown the bastard!"

Why Trick-or-Treating Is Better Than Sex:
- You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
- If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
- The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
- You don't have to keep in touch with the person who gives you some.
- 40 years from now, you'll still enjoy candy.
- If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.
- It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning with pleasure.
- You can do the whole neighborhood.

A woman walks into her sex thearapist’s office and tells her that her husband is not a very good lover, and the rarely have sex anymore, and asks what to do about it?
The therapist tells her that she has a new drug called Viagra that might do the trick.
She tells the woman to give him one pill that night, and come back in the morning to tell her what happens.

Sex Trick: Why Trick-or-Treating Is Better Than Sex. A woman walks into her sex thearapist’s office and tells her that her husband is not a very good lover, and the rarely have sex anymore, and asks what to do about it?

If you don’t like Valentine’s Day because it’s corny… how about, instead, we make it porn-y?

Love is blind. Marriage is an eye-opener. I’m like butter, you can spread me anytime. You make me feel like a unicorn – wild and horny.

Girl: "I can't be your valentine for medical reasons." Boy: "Really?" Girl: "Yeah, you make me sick!" What did the valentines day card say to the stamp? Stick with me and you'll go places What do farmers give their wives on Valentine's Day? Hogs and kisses! Roses are red, violets are blue.

Pickup Lines Part #1

It’s scary how good you look.

Isn’t it spooky how your number isn’t in my phone?

Arms under car halloween joke.

Demons are a ghouls best friend.

Things That Sound Dirty On Halloween, But Aren't...

You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

If you don't get what you want at one place, you can always go next door to get more! Why Pumpkins Are Better Than Men

A pumpkin is turned on (lit-up) only when you want him to be.

I'll bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween...