Define jocundity.

Two men visit a prostitute. The first man goes into the bedroom. He comes out ten minutes later and says, "Heck. My wife is better than that." The second man goes in. He comes out ten minutes later and says, "You know? Your wife IS better."

Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know, I get a little each month, but not enough to live on.”

Why do woman have two sets of lips? One set to tell you off with, and the other to make you forget you're mad!

If you were born in September, it's pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a bang.

A man walks into a pub and asks for 12 shots of vodka. The barman says, "Wow, 12. Are you celebrating?" The man replies, "I've just experienced my first blow job." The barman says, "That's brilliant. Let me get you another one on the house." The man replies, "No, that's okay. If the twelfth one doesn't get the taste out of my mouth nothing will."

Q: How do you turn a cat into a fish?
A: Tell the woman not to wash down there.

I'm so hot, when I took of my clothes in the bathroom, the shower got turned on.

While on a date a women goes to the bathroom
Man: Uh... wrong way that's the men's room
Woman: Oh my GOD! this is so embarrassing!
Man: It's not a big deal.
Woman: I guess not, but you know what they say, old habits die hard.
Man: ...............

What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

How is life like a penis?
Your girlfriend makes it hard.

Two nuns are riding bikes along a cobbled road. One turns to the other and says, “I’ve never come this way before”. The other replies, “Neither have I. It must be the cobbles”.

Four nuns die and arrive at the pearly gates. Saint Peter is there and asks the first nun if she had ever touched a penis.
“Yes,” she admits. “I once touched a penis with the tip of my finger.”
“Dip your finger into the holy water and enter the kingdom of Heaven,” says Saint Peter. The nun dips her finger in the holy water and enters heaven.
Saint Peter asks the same question of the second nun.
“Yes,” she admits. “I once touched a penis with one hand.”
“Dip your hand into the holy water and enter the kingdom of Heaven,” says Saint Peter. The second nun complies and enters heaven.
At this point, the fourth nun abruptly cuts in line.
“Hang on!” she says, pointing at the third nun. “You’d better let me go next, because there’s no way I’m gargling that shit after she sticks her ass in it!”

Mom finds a large number of BDSM magazines beneath her sons bed. Calls her husband up to the room to show him and discuss. “What do you think we should do?” she asks. Father frowns and responds “Well I guess spanking him is out of the question”

Sex Jocundity: Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex.

"Do you have a date for Valentines Day?"
I said, "Yep!! It's February 14th."

Feb 14th, "Will you be my Valentine?"
March 14th, "Will you be my quarantine?"

Are you alone this valentine?
Just die on the 13th and you will surely get attentions with flowers on 14th

What is the favorite song of a ram from February 14? I only have eyes for sheep, honey.

What is the funniest holiday of the year? Based on these 10 cheesy Valentine's Day jokes, it has to be Feb. 14. The day may be all about love and romance, but when it comes down to it, it's without a doubt the easiest holiday to take a shot at. (It's probably also the easiest holiday to get way worked up about, and the easiest holiday to totally forget about... it's so versatile, isn't it!?).

“Q: How did the woman learn her boyfriend was a vampire?
 A: He only came at night and would insist on giving oral the same time every month.”

Q: What’s unique about sex with vampires?
A: They only come at night.

Q: What do Royalty and gourds have in common?
A: They both pump-kin.

Two monsters went to a Halloween party. Suddenly, one said to the other, ‘A lady just rolled her eyes at me. What should I do?’ The other monster replied, ‘Be a gentleman, and roll them back to her.’

What did the farmer give his wife on New Year’s Eve?
Hogs and kisses.

What do you cows celebrate on December 31st?
Moo Years Eve.

“I said I was going balls out in 2023, but this is just ridiculous."
Hey, I see what you did there. Cheeky!

"Cheering crowds watching the ball get dropped is 2023 in a nutshell."
Dark. But let’s keep it real.

“This ball needs to hurry up and drop already. I don’t know about y'all but I need a do-over.”
Hey, if there is one great thing about New Year’s Eve — I mean, aside from all the sequins, booze, and culturally encouraged making out with strangers — it's that it's also a fresh start. And let’s face it: Some of us are thirstier for that clean slate than others.

What do snowmen use to make snowbabies?
Snowballs.

One Christmas, a little boy wrote to Santa Claus saying, “Please send me a sister.”
Santa Claus wrote him back, “Okay, please send me your mother.”

Why is Santa so damn jolly?
Because he knows where all the naughty women live.

Wanna see the North Pole?
That’s what Mrs. Claus calls it…

What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa?
A rebel without a Claus.

What did Santa sing when he went down the chimney?
Chestnuts roasting on an open fire…

Are you Christmas? Because I want to Merry you.

How is sex like a game of bridge?
If you have a great hand, you don’t need a partner.

Why is sex like a bridge game? You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.

Kate was standing in the kitchen cooking dinner.
Her husband Paul was in the living room drinking a beer and watching the game.
"Honey, you need to come in here and fix the fridge. The door is broke and if you don’t fix it the food will go bad," Kate said.
Paul yells back, "Who do I look like the GE man, I Don’t think so."
A little while later Kate says, "Honey, you need to fix the hall light, it’s out."
"Who do I look like an electrician, I don’t think so," Paul says.
A few minutes later Kate says, "Honey, you need to fix the porch step before someone gets hurt on it."
Paul quickly replies, "Who do I look like a carpenter, I don’t think so."
Frustrated, he gets up and leaves.
He decides to go to a bar down the road.
After the game was over, he began to feel slightly guilty for the way he treated his wife so he went on home.
He comes up the porch and realizes that the step is fixed.
He walked into the house and noticed that the hall light was fixed.
He walked into the kitchen to get a cold beer and noticed that the fridge was fixed.
Paul sees his wife and says, "Babe, how did you fix all this."
She looked at him and said, "Well after you left I began to cry on the porch."
A fine young man walked past and noticed I was crying and he asked me what he could do to help.
He fixed everything.
I asked him what I could do for payment."
He said "I could either bake him a cake or sleep with him."
Paul says, LWell, what kind of cake did you bake him?"
Kate looks at him and replies, "Who do I look like Betty Crocker, I don’t think so!"

A priest passed near a young boys gang that were hanging out next to the church.
He went close to them and asked them: "What are you boys doing there?"
"Not much, Father. We are playing a game in which however says the biggest lie about his sexual life, wins!"
"Oh, boys!" surprised said the priest. "When I was your age I wasn’t even thinking about sex!"
And the boys unanimously: "You won, Father!"

After a couple of days, during breakfast in the Ark’s cafeteria the monkey said to his wife:
"You’ d better get ready ‘cause next Tuesday you’ll suffer cruelly!"
The female monkey felt really ashamed because all of the animals heard her husband…
The day after, the male monkey said to his wife again: "You’ d better get ready ‘cause next Tuesday you’ll suffer cruelly!"
The female monkey feeling really confused, told Noah what had happened, so Noah called the male monkey in his office and asked for an explanation.
“You kinky monkey! Why do you insist on disgracing your wife in front of all the other animals?” said Noah
“I am not kinky sir”, said the monkey “I’m just warning her because I lost my card at a poker game and now the elephant has it…”

Sex game: When I was your age I wasn’t even thinking about sex! Not much, Father. We are playing a game in which however says the biggest lie about his sexual life, wins! Why is sex like a bridge game?

I got more sweet treats for you than a Whitman’s sampler.

What is the difference between a calendar and you? A calendar has a date on Valentine’s Day. Roses are Red, Violets are Blue, I’m using my hand, Thinking of you. We’re like hot chocolate and marshmallows… you’re hot and I want to be on top of you.

What happened when the man fell in love with his garden? It made him wed his plants! Did you hear about the nearsighted porcupine? He fell in love with a pincushion! Why did the stupid boy put clothes on the valentines he was sending? Because they needed to be ad-dressed!

ETYMOLOGY OF THE WORD PLEASANTRY

Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know, I get a little each month, but not enough to live on.”

Two friends die. One goes to Heaven and the other goes to Hell. The one that goes to Heaven begs the angel to let him visit his friend in Hell, and the angel agrees. He gets to Hell and sees his friend surrounded by beautiful women and alcohol everywhere. He says to his friend, "Wow, you were a son of a bitch when we were alive! Hell looks better than Heaven." So the friend in Hell says, "Pour yourself a glass of wine." The heavenly friend pours the wine, and notices that the glass has no bottom. The good friend looks at the bad one in confusion, and the bad friend says, "The glass has no bottom, and neither do the girls. Welcome to Hell."

Lucifer's pleasantries

A teenage boy takes a quadriplegic girl on a date to dinner and the movies. At the end of the night out, he drives her back home and they start making out in his car. He tells the girl he feels uncomfortable doing this where her parents could come outside and catch them in the act. She says not to worry because she has a place they can go. So he helps her in her chair and she tells him to wheel her into the backyard. When they get in the back, she shows him a huge weeping willow tree that they can hide under and says he can do whatever he wants to her. Under the tree, she shows him two branches that can prop her up and he has his way with her. When they finish, he dresses himself and her, puts back into her chair, wheels her to the front door, and knocks. When her father sees the young man, he thanks him. The boy feels very uncomfortable because of what he just did to the man's daughter and asks, "Why are you thanking me?" "Because son," the father answers, "You are the first boy to take her out of the tree."

A penguin takes his car to the shop, and the mechanic says he needs an hour to check it out. So the penguin goes across the street to the 7-Eleven to kill some time and get an ice cream. Since the penguin has no hands, the poor little guy gets the ice cream all over his beak. He returns to the mechanic and the guy tells him, "Looks like you blew a seal." "Oh no," says the penguin, "this is just a little ice cream."

Roses are red
Nuts are brown
Skirts go up
Pants go down
Body to body Skin to skin
When its stiff
Stick it in
The Longer its in
The Stronger it gets
It goes in dry And comes out wet
It comes out dripping And starts to sag
Its not what you think......
Its a Teabag

Sex Pleasantry: So, how's your sex life? I'm having Social Security sex. Social Security sex?

Couple laughing Romance not your thing? Try a joke. What did the light bulb say to the switch? You turn me on.

Why did the cannibal break up with his girlfriend? She didn't suit his taste! Do you have a date for valentines day? Yes, February 14th You wanna hear a joke? Valentine's Day Scientists have discovered a certain food that diminishes a woman's sex drive on Valentines Day by 90 percent.... Wedding cake. Valentines Day One Liners Valentines Day is the day that the "V" and "D" come together. I'm gonna spend Valentines day with my ex...... box 360 "Whale you be my Valentine?" "Dolphinately" Roses are red, violets are blue.

“Q: Why don’t you ever have an unexpected pregnancy when dating a  vampire?
A: Because they can’t come inside without asking for permission.”

“1900: Dracula survived by drinking the blood of virgins.
2021: Dracula dies of hunger.”

Q: What should you give a pumpkin who can’t quit smoking?
A: A pumpkin Patch.

Q: Why don’t you ever have an unexpected  pregnancy when dating a vampire.
A: Because they can’t come inside without asking permission.

Are you dressed as “the most attractive person here?”