Jokes about camping sex

Have you ever tried camping sex? No, well its fucking in tents!

Q: Ever had sex while camping?
A: It's fucking intents.


Maths is like s*x...
ADD the bed
MINUS the clothes
DIVIDE the legs
and pray you don't MULTIPLY.

Q: Why do black women lose their hair at an early age?
A: From all of the hair pulling during rape.

A ship with 30 sailors and one woman strands on a desert island.
After one month the woman says:
"I can not proceed in this way."
And she suicides herself. After another month, the sailors say:
"We can not proceed in this way."
And they bury the woman. The next month, the sailors say:
"We can not proceed in this way."
And they dig up the woman.

Two old ladies are discussing their dead husbands.
‘Tell me,’ says one.
‘Did you have mutual orgasms?’
‘No,’ says the other.
‘I think we were with the Prudential.’

I’m not cheap, but I am on special this week.

Q. Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A. They don't have time.

How do girls get minks?
The same way minks get minks.

One day a man got on the bus and saw a nun.
He started to have sexual Thoughts about her and tried to stop but she looked so good that he couldn't Stop.
So once she got off the bus the man asked the bus driver if he knew Where she was going.
The bus driver said to meet the nun at the church at 8:0op.m dressed like jesus. He went there dressed like jesus.
This Surprised the nun and she asked him what she needed to do and he said have anal sex with him.
Afterwards, the man said I have a confession to make and he told her he wasn't jesus but the man on the bus.
The nun then said she had a confession also. She was the busdriver..

My favorite sexual position is called "The Osama"...
its where I burst into your room and blow a load on your face.

A honeymoon couple go into a hotel and ask for a suite.
‘Bridal?’ asks the desk clerk.
‘No thanks,’ replies the bride, ‘I’ll just hang onto his shoulders.’


What does a nigger do after sex?
25 years to life.

My previous girlfriend had this weird sleeping disorder - in the middle of every night she would wake up and suck my dick.
No wonder her dad did not want her to move out.

I tried some of that aphrodisiac rhino horn and it really worked.
I’m really beginning to fancy those rhinos now.

Yo momma so nasty i had phone sex with her and she gave me an earinfection.

Q: What do Blondes say after sex?
A1: Thanks Guys.
A2: Are you boys all in the same band?
A3: Do you guys all play for the Green Bay Packers?


Q. What's the definition of a Yankee?
A. Same thing as a ''quickie'', only you do it yourself.

Jokes about camping sex: Have you ever tried camping sex? Ever had sex while camping? What do Blondes say after sex? 

Jokes about sex - Balls

Q: Why do bunnies have soft sex?
A: They have cotton balls.

Grandmother is so stupid, she’s gone on the pill because she doesn’t want any more grandchildren.


How do you make a woman scream twice in the bedroom?
Fuck her in the ass then wipe your dick on the curtains.

Hey! I don't have a mom, me and my dad share yours.

Lifting weights have really helped me with the ladies - the last five I raped didn't stand a chance.

A man limps into a bar with a cane and alligator.
The bartender stops him and says "Hold on a second here - you can't bring that animal in here, they aren't allowed!"
So the man says, "But my gator here does a really cool trick..."
The bartender says "Well then, lets see!"
So the man whips out his dick and shoves it in the gators mouth.
He then takes his cane and starts bashing the gator in the head with it.
A crowd gathers around and everyone is astonished when he pulls out his dick without a single scratch.
He looks around at the crowd and says, "Does anyone else want to try?"
An old lady raises her hand and says..."Sure, but don't hit me with that stick."

A tourist in Sweden is drinking in a bar when an attractive woman sits next to him.
‘Hello,’ he says.
‘Do you speak English?’
‘Oh I speaking not much English,’ replies the woman.
‘How much?’ asks the man.
The woman replies, ‘200 Kroner.’

What’s a man’s definition of safe sex?
Meeting his mistress at least 30 miles from his house.

Question master: ‘In the Garden of Eden, what were the first words Eve said to Adam?’
Contestant: ‘Gosh, that’s a hard one!’
Question master: ‘Well done. Two points.’

What do you call kinky sex with chocolate?

Jokes about group sex

Q: Why don't Canadians have group sex?
A: Too many thank-you letters to write afterwards.

Smoke a smoke
Not a butt
Fuck a virgin
Not a slut.

Q: What do a woman and a bar have in common?
A: Liquor in the front, Poker in the back.

Two men are having a drink together.
One says, ‘I had sex with my wife before we were married.
What about you?’
‘I don’t know,’ says the other.
‘What was her maiden name?’

A husband feeling a bit horny goes to the bathroom and returns with 4 aspirin and a glass of water for his wife.
He says, "Here honey, here are some aspirin and a some water."
She replied, "but honey I do not have a headache!"
He replied, "Thank God!"
 

Why are guys like microwavable meals?
They’re both done in 30 seconds.


Man to woman: ‘Tell me, after having sex do you ever smoke?’
Woman: ‘I’ve never looked.’

A man and his wife agreed on a code to use in front of their kids when they want to have s*x.
The code is: "Making a call."
One day the man ask his son to tell his mother, that dad wants to make a phone call.
The boy returns to his dad, that mom says she is out of order.
Then he ask him to tell her, that dad will go outside to make a phone call.
The boy returns, that mom says, "If you do so, she will open a central telephone station in the house."

Gays Jokes

A gay guys walks into a pharmacy with his suppository prescription and approaches the front counter. He hands the prescription to the pharmacist and after confirming the prescription, the pharmacist asks him, "Okay sir, what kind of pills would you like?" The guy looks around and over the shoulder of the pharmacist, and spots something he wants. He points at the wall and says, "I'll take that kind right there!" The pharmacist looks at what he is pointing at and says, "Sorry sir, but you cant have that. It's our fire extinguisher!"

 

Two gay guys are sitting at a little pub looking out the window in a small town. This guy walks by, and the one guy says to the other, "Who is that?" The other man says, "That's the new proctologist." He replies, "Well, I've got to meet him." The next day, he makes an appointment and goes in to see him. The doctor asks him, "What's the problem?" and he replies, "I have a terrible pain in my butt." The doctor says, "Well, let's take a look at it." So he bends over, and the doctor gets down to look in his ass, and he says, "Oh My God! There's a stick up your ass." The gay man then says, "Well, pull it out, pull it out! So he start to pull it out, and notices that it has thorns on it. "Oh my God! There are thorns on it? Well, pull it out, pull it out!" As he pulls it out, he see it's a rose. "Oh my God! It's a rose!" As the gay man exclaims, "Well, read the card, read the card!"

 

After being married for twenty years to his lover, a gay man dies. When the funeral arrangements have been set, the widower approaches the undertaker with a peculiar request, "I know we had plans to cremate his body, but will you please chop him up and put him in a extra spicy curry instead?" The undertaker asks, "Why would you want that?" The gay widower replies, "So he will blow my ass out one more time."

 

If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely gay.

 

How do you know if a police officer is gay? The smell of his mustache.

 

Why can't gays drive faster than 68mph? Because at 69 they blow a rod.

 

Did you hear about the gay guy who got kicked off the golf course? He was playing with too many strokes.

 

Why do gay men fake orgasms? Because they will be in deep shit if they don't!


What's the name of the latest gay sitcom? "Leave it, it's Beaver."

 

What's the definition of "Tender Love?" Two gays with hemorrhoids.

 

Why do Gay men pay such high car insurance? Because they are always getting creamed from behind!

How much semen does a gay guy have? A butt load.

What do gay men call hemorrhoids? Speed Bumps.

 

What did one gay sperm say to another? "How do we find an egg in all of this shit?"

 

Jokes about Sex.

Jokes - sex about neighbors

The sex was so good that even the ors had a cigarette.

I and my two mates went to a hooker and she told us that it will cost us a pound an inch.
My first mate went in and came out after minutes, saying, it cost me a tenner!
My second mate went in and came out ten minutes later and said, it cost me £9.50!
I went in and came out ten minutes later and said, it cost me £3.50.!
"What do you mean," they asked me.
"I told them, you both paid on the way in but I paid on the way out."

Sex is when a guys communication,
enters a girls information,
to increase the population,
for a younger generation,
do you get the information...
or do you need a demonstration.

Jokes about Sex - Honey

What are the three words women hate to hear during sex? "Honey, I'm home!"


Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.

After a little "rebuilding" time he thought, if that was that good... "How much for sex?"
She chuckled and said, "Honey, I'd own this whole damned town if only I had a pussy."


A man comes home from a hard day of work only to find his wife laying infront of the fire place with her legs wide open.
He asked, "Honey what are you doing?"
She replied, "I'm heating up your dinner."


“Honey”, says the wife to her husband, “last night I had the most AMAZING dream..I dreamed that we were making love and next to our bed there was a black man from Africa who was waving a fan to us and that gave me great satisfaction..”
The couple decided to make the dream come true, so they found a black man and offered him 200 euros to wave the fan to them while they made love.
The three of them went home and the couple started having sex while the black man was waving the fan.
But still the wife couldn’t get any satisfaction..So she proposed that they should change roles.
She would make love with the black man and the husband would wave the fan next to them.
The husband accepted and started waving the fan…

After a while, the wife screamed of pleasure and asked for more!
So the husband said to the black man: “Do you understand now how you should wave the fan, you ashole?”

Q: What are the three words you never wanna hear whilst having sex?
A: "Honey I'm home."

A man asks his wife during a 25 marriage anniversary:
Darling, have you been unfaithful to me?
Yes, honey, three times.
When was the first time?
Do you remember the situation when you went to a bank, but nobody would give you any credit?
And finally the CEO of the bank himself signed the credit allowance to you.
Thanks, darling.
And when was the second time?
Do you remember when you were very ill and nobody would agree to make the surgery for you?
And finally the head of the department took care of you?
Thank you darling, you saved my life.
And with whom have you been unfaithful to me for the third time?
Do you remember when you were a candidate to the position of city mayor and you were missing 36 votes?

A man was talking to his wife about going to the social security office.
He said he would go the next day.
So the next morning he goes but when he gets there he realized he forgot his license and she said that was fine she could tell his age by the hair on his chest. So he opened his shirt and everything went smoothly.
He got home and told his wife what happened and she said: "well honey if you would have pulled down your pants you could have filed for disability."

Sex jokes about hoeny: How much for sex? What are the three words you never wanna hear whilst having sex?  Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.

Sex jokes - Kiss

A husband and wife are walking down the street when a beautiful young woman blows the husband a kiss.
‘I met her last week,’ explains the husband.
‘Professionally of course.’
The wife replies, ‘Which profession?
Yours or hers?’

Chuck Norris sleeps with every woman on the planet once a month... and they bleed for a week.

What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man.

What do nostalgic gynaecologists do?
Look up old friends.

Why don’t women blink during foreplay?
They don’t have time.

Yo moma so fat that when I tried to have sex with her I burned my ass off the lightbulb.

Yo' Mama is so fat, after sex, she smokes a turkey.

What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
Sex.

What do you get when you have sex with a pregnant woman?
A baby with a black eye!

How do you know when your cat’s finished cleaning himself?
He’s smoking a cigarette.

Yo mama so fat when you have sex with her you have to slap her stomach and ride the wave in.

‘Bisexuality immediately doub

Jokes about sex - Clitoris

What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.

A guy is driving his car and finds a friend crying, sitting on the road.
He stops.
And he asks him:
- Hey, What happens to you?
- (crying) Look! and he points a crashed car.
- Well, don't care and buy another car.
- Look inside the car!
- Well, don't care and get another blonde, and that's all.
- Look inside her mouth!!!



One day a women walks into work in a short skirt.
As she’s walking to her desk she gets stopped by a co-worker, who says,
“Your hair smells really nice today.”
She grimaces and stomps into her manager’s office.
She says,”I want to file a sexual harassment complaint!” and then relates what happened.
The manager says, “What’s wrong with him complimenting how your hair smells?”
Furious, she snarls, “He’s a midget!”

Q: What is the most confusing day in Harlem?
A: Father's Day.

Jokes about sex - Celebrating

A man and woman were celebrating their 50 year anniversary.
That night, the woman comes out of the bathroom completely naked and looks at her husband who is already in bed.
She says, "Honey, 50 years ago tonight, when I came out of the bathroom with no clothes on, what were you thinking?"
He said, "I was thinking that I wanted to suck your titties dry and fuck you until you couldn’t think straight."
She smiled at him and said, "So what are you thinking now?"
He said, "I think I did a pretty good job!"

There are three types of sex in a marriage.
The first one is Kitchen Sex.
This is when you are newlyweds, and you're still having fun, so you do it anywhere, anytime - but mostly the kitchen.

The second type is Bedroom Sex.
This is when you have settled down a bit and probably have kids, so you can't do it anywhere except the bedroom.

The third type of sex is Hallway Sex.
This is when you pass each other in the hall and say, "Screw you."

But there's also a fourth kind called Courtroom Sex.
This is when you are getting a divorce and you try to screw each other in public.

Your beauty is why God invented eyeballs, but your booty is why God invented my balls!

Camilla goes to the doctors and says "Doctor, whenever one sucks Charlie's cock one gets a stomach ache."
The doctor says "Have you tried Andrew's?"

Q: What' is Hillary Clinton favorite movies?
A: Kill BILL 1 and 2.

Jokes about Making Love

The woman was in bed with her lover and had just told him how stupid her Irish husband was when the door was thrown open and there stood her husband.
He glared at her lover and bellowed, "What are you doing?"
"There," said the wife, "didn’t I tell you he was stupid?"

Some newly-weds arrive to the hotel and the girl very afraid tells her husband:
"Honey, I don't know nothing of this, can you help me, please?"
I will Honey, starting from this instant, we will call your thing the prison and my thing will we call the prisoner, so... we will put the prisoner in the prison"
And they throw the first one.
and the guy is laying face up on the bed, but the girl was delighted and tells her husband:
"Love, the prisoner is outside the prison!!!"
The guy not very delighted tells her:
"Lets put him into the prison another time!!"
And the second ...but the girl is very sweet-toothed and she tells him:
"!! Honey !!!... .The prisoner is out again!!!"
The man rises, with the legs like a recently born foal.
And they throw the third!!! He is laying on the bed, exhausted and the girl says:
"!!! Honey, the prisoner escaped again!!!"
And he answers with his last breath:
"HEY !, It's not life imprisonment!!

Q: "What is the difference between like and love?"
A: "Spit and swallow."

A couple have been dating for a few weeks, but the guy has been afraid of making advances because he thinks his penis is on the small side.
Finally, he gets up his courage and takes her down lovers’ lane. While they’re kissing, he opens his trouser zip and guides her hand onto his organ.
‘No thanks,’ says the girl. ‘I don’t smoke.’

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