THE GOOD
A white-collar guy goes to jail for embezzlement, afraid of what he’s heard. Sure enough, his cellmate is the biggest, meanest guy he’s ever seen. When lights go out the guy says, “You want to play the husband or the wife?” The white-collar guy thinks and says, “The husband.” His cellmate says, “Then come over here and suck your wife’s d*ck.”

If you have little ones, most likely you will be celebrating New Year’s Eve waaaaay before the ball drops — and then promptly falling asleep in a pile of sparkly fedoras and noisemakers that sound like sick cows. That’s okay! Make the most of your abbreviated New Year’s Eve by telling your tiny party animals these clean, kid-friendly New Year’s Eve jokes.

“My New Year's resolution is to be sober enough to remember the ball dropping…. eh, who keeps New Year's resolutions anyway?”
If you're gonna bail on a resolution, you might as well make it a fun one, right? Also, best to get it out of the way as soon as possible. Hmm, maybe on second thought, don't come to me for life advice.

"The ball is dropping at the same rate as my inhibitions. Bring on 2022!"
If anything, New Year’s Eve is a celebration of letting it all go… and then resolving the next morning to stop doing all the things you did the night before. And who are we to judge tradition? That's basically what "Auld Lang Syne" means, right? Right.

I’M BACK!!! HAPPY NEW YEAR, AMERICANS!!!
Sincerely, Your Health Insurance Deductible

But don’t feel like you can’t enjoy these gems if you do have big plans to stay up past midnight on December 31. Maybe you plan on putting your little ones to bed and then keeping the NYE party rolling. Well, we’re here to tell you that these wholesome jokes are an excellent way to start your year off on the right foot — in laughter.

Half the guys you like are turned off by your body language. Turn them on with the secrets in woody’s new ebook, “ATTRACT HOTTER GUYS with the Secrets & Science of Sexual Body Language.”

The recession is so bad even sex asked for a government bailout. I can’t think of a better way to start the New Year than to give sex something to smile about: the best jokes about it. Here are the funniest sex and relationship jokes I’ve heard in the last twelve months. Enjoy! And may the New Year recession-proof your bedroom…

New Year's Sex Jokes: The recession is so bad even sex asked for a government bailout. I can’t think of a better way to start the New Year than to give sex something to smile about: the best jokes about it. Here are the funniest sex and relationship jokes I’ve heard in the last twelve months. 

Naughty List or Nice List? Who cares! We’re all adults now and ready to cut loose and have a little fun for the remainder of the year. We want to read literotica, send those scandalous sexts, use those Christmas pick up lines, and instigate some dirty truth or dare fun with our baes and friends. First, though, we want to tell some truly bad and extra dirty jokes about Christmas.

There’s something so magical and wonderful about Christmas time. Everyone is in the best of moods and on their best behavior. If you’re a grown-up, though, you know there’s really no reason to be nice. That’s right: Why not be a little naughty? You can get your “bad (ass) mom” status in so many ways. Maybe you’re spiking your hot chocolate or flirting with bae under the mistletoe at the family Christmas dinner. You might also experiment with naughtiness by asking for one (or more) battery-operated toys of your own for Christmas. Girl, Santa isn’t real — get down with your bad self!

 As Joss Whedon and Others Are Confronted By Their Treatment Of Women, Fandom Is Evolving to Listen

Contest in a girl's college: write a short story which contains religion, sex and mystery.
Winner's story: "Oh god, I am pregnant, I wonder who did it."

There’s an elderly couple who has reached that point in life, where sex isn’t part of the itinerary anymore. One night, the wife turns to her husband and says, “Everytime one of us wants to have a bit of a slap and tickle, we just have to say, "Washing machine.’” A night passes, and the husband leans over and whispers, “Washing machine.” The wife gives him a shove and informs him that she has a headache. A few nights go by and the same thing happens, but the husband is determined and he reckons he’ll just give it one more try. He leans over and whispers seductively, “Washing machine.” Yet again, the wife turns him away. However, a few moments pass and the wife’s needs arises so she rolls over and recites the word, but the husband turns over and says, “Sorry love, it was only a small wash so I did it by hand.”

Joss was never “just” a showrunner.

Stan is seconds away from receiving a vasectomy when his brother and sister-in-law barge in holding their newborn baby. "Stop! You can't do this!" exclaims the brother. "And why not?" asks Stan. "Don't you want to have a beautiful baby someday? Like my wife and I have here?" Stan says nothing. The brother grows impatient, "C'mon Stan, I want a nephew. Stan, make me an uncle." Stan can’t take it anymore. He gives his sister-in-law an apologetic look and asks his brother, "You're sure you want a nephew?" "Yes," the brother replies. "It would be an honor." "Well, congratulations, you're holding him."

Fe = Iron.
Male = Man.
Fe + Male = Iron Man.
I have been having sex with Iron Man.

I'm in trouble with my next door neighbors. I went over to their house recently to jump on there tramperleen. I had just got on when I heard a voice say, "Hey you, get off my daughter Erleen!"

I love Joss , and I'm done with Joss.

One day, little Suzie and her mom are walking down a beach when they see a couple having sex. LittleThree old women were sitting on a park bench. A flasher ran up and whipped open his coat. Two of the old ladies had a stroke and the third couldn't reach.

Girl: "Can you use 'Mountain Dew' in a sentence?"
Guy: "Yes, can I 'mount-ain dew' you?"

What did the battery say to the gynecologist? It's not the smell that bothers me, it's the discharge!

What’s the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?
A hooker can wash her crack and resell it.

What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public?
A private tutor.

Yo' Mama is so skanky, her idea of safe sex is to lock the car doors.

Sex joss: I have been having sex with Iron Man.  One day, little Suzie and her mom are walking down a beach when they see a couple having sex. Yo' Mama is so skanky, her idea of safe sex is to lock the car doors.

There was a young rabbi, who on Sabbath Eve announces to the congregation that he will be leaving for a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a silence. No one wants him to leave. Cohen, who owns several car dealerships, stands up and announces, "If the rabbi stays, I'll provide him with a new BMW every year, and his lovely wife with a Range Rover, to transport their children!" The congregation sighs and applauds. Feinstein, the entrepreneur and investor stands up and says, "If the rabbi stays, I'll double his salary, and establish a college fund to guarantee the college education of his children!" More sighs and applause. Old Mrs. Horowitz, aged 96, stands and announces, "If the rabbi stays, I will have sex with him!" There is a silence. The rabbi, blushing, asks, "Mrs. Horowitz, whatever possessed you to say that?" Mrs. Horowitz answers, "I just asked Mr. Horowitz what we could do to make the rabbi stay. Mr. Horowitz said,"F*ck the rabbi."

So, you've all probably seen these commercials for the erectile dysfunction drugs. They say a possible side effect could be an erection lasting for four hours, and if that happens, call your doctor. I say, "Hey buddy, if that happens, don't call your doctor, call me!"

Masturbation is like procrastination, it's all good and fun until you realize you are only fucking yourself!

You know what a fat girl and a moped have in common? They are both fun to ride until your friends see you!

“Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over 1.2 million pounds. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more pleasure during sex. After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the British study were incorrect. After three years of research at a cost of in excess of 2 million Euros, the French researchers concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex. When the results of the French study were released, Australia decided to conduct their own study. The Aussies didn't really trust British or French studies. So, after nearly three hours of intensive research and a cost of right around 75 dollars (three cases of beer), the Aussie study was complete. They concluded that the reason the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead.”

Sometimes it's fun if you don't tell him you're having your period and then a few minutes into sex just start screaming WHAT IS HAPPENING?!

Suzy asked her big sister Samantha how babies are made.
Samantha explains it to her.
"I still don't get it? Can you show me."
Suzy says.
"OK. Tonight, I will let you watch will my boyfriend, Jack and I screw."
That night, Jack laid Samantha 5 times but Suzy still didn't understand.
The next night Jack was tired of Suzy watching so he offered to have sex with her.
"OK but I don't want Samantha to watch"
So Samantha went outside.
They are in there for almost an hour and when they come out Jack is smiling like crazy.
"That was fun but I still don't get it."
Says Suzy
The next day the same thing happened.
And the next day.
Finally 2 weeks later Samantha comes home crying.
"Whats wrong," Suzy says.
"Jack dumped me. He said there was someone better."
Said Samantha.
"Let's go talk to him maybe we can change his mind," said Suzy.
When they got there Jack said he made up his mind and there was nothing they could do to change it.
Then he asked to speak to Suzy privately.
He pulled off all of Suzy's clothes and started to screw her.
"OK," Jack said kissing Suzy's neck "I broke up with Samantha now tell me how you got to be so good in bed."
"Fine." She replied, "I asked all my other sisters how babies are made."

Sex fun: The next night Jack was tired of Suzy watching so he offered to have sex with her. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more pleasure during sex. After three years of research at a cost of in excess of 2 million Euros, the French researchers concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex.

What goes clop clop clop, bang bang, clop clop clop
An Amish drive by shooting.


It looks like this election won't end with a bang
But with a WI/MI/PA

So i banged my 3rd cousin yesterday...
My buddy told me to stop counting them

My landlord was banging on my door and yelling to me all morning.
I suppose I should let him out.

Every Inside Joke on The Big Bang Theory, Alphabetized.

“Smart? I’d Have To Lose 60 IQ Points To Be Classified As Smart!”
Our old friend Dr. Sheldon Cooper is a lot of things (a lot), but modest certainly isn’t one of them. Simply knowing he’s a genius isn’t enough. He wants everyone to know he’s more of a genius than his genius friends, and he often goes to great lengths to prove it.
When he’s belittled by Leonard’s latest girlfriend, fellow scientist Lesley Winkle, he declares her his arch-enemy and refuses to stay in the apartment while she’s there. Out on the stairs with his laptop, he meets Penny and announces (in true Sheldon style) that he preferred her relationship with Leonard so she should get right back to it. Penny starts to explain that somebody as smart as Sheldon must understand that feelings don’t work that way, before he takes offense at the word ‘smart’ and brushes her off.

Our church minister is still banging parishioners despite the pandemic...
Guess he never heard the commandment, "Thou shalt not covid they neighbor's wife".

So if the big bang happended 13.8 billions years and matter cannot be created nor destroyed and our bodies are made out of matter, that means that out bodies are 13.8 billion years old
So in conclusion officer, yes she was old enough.

It appears as an easter egg in the TV universe.
"That sounds good to me"     Believed to originate from Neil Campbell's opening act during the 2016 live tour. He said the phrase in a funny way and it got the other members of the tour tickled, becoming an inside joke. They continued doing it while traveling and then started referencing it live.
Eatin' Ain't Cheatin'     Scott and PFT impersonate Bill Clinton saying his famous catchphrase "Eatin' ain't cheatin'."
Scott is 29 years old.     For years, Scott has insisted he is 29 years old, an allusion to the reluctance of Hollywood icons to share their actual age and consequently lying about it.

A couple woke up to banging on their door.
After getting his gun from the drawer, just in case, the man went and opened the door to find his neighbors there. "DON'T USE THE WATER, IT'S POISONED!", they said. He assured them that he and his wife won't drink water and the neighbors left.
He went back to his bedroom and his wife asked him, "What happened, sweetheart?", she said. He replied "Nothing, honey! Just go drink water and let's go back to sleep."

Andy Daly's characters have a tendency to commit suicide, or at the very least have suicidal thoughts. This is most evident in 148: "Wipeout!".
R.I.Possible     Said when Scott is unsure if someone mentioned on the show is still alive or not.
Open Door Policy     Scott employs an open door policy on the show, which often destroys his attempts to make the show more like WTF with Marc Maron, which conducts "actor's pain" interviews.
President Barack Hussein Obamacare     How Scott refers to the president and his policies.
"iPod, iPad, I don't even know anymore!"     Scott is often confused by new technology, especially Apple products.
Computer.com     An all-purpose website.