Every Inside Joke on The Big Bang Theory, Alphabetized.
“Smart? I’d Have To Lose 60 IQ Points To Be Classified As Smart!”
Our old friend Dr. Sheldon Cooper is a lot of things (a lot), but modest certainly isn’t one of them. Simply knowing he’s a genius isn’t enough. He wants everyone to know he’s more of a genius than his genius friends, and he often goes to great lengths to prove it.
When he’s belittled by Leonard’s latest girlfriend, fellow scientist Lesley Winkle, he declares her his arch-enemy and refuses to stay in the apartment while she’s there. Out on the stairs with his laptop, he meets Penny and announces (in true Sheldon style) that he preferred her relationship with Leonard so she should get right back to it. Penny starts to explain that somebody as smart as Sheldon must understand that feelings don’t work that way, before he takes offense at the word ‘smart’ and brushes her off.
So a guy is evading the draft, the cops bang on his door and he runs out the back and through and alley way onto a road. He finds a nun and asks if he can hide under her blouse, she complies and the cops walk by and dont see them. The man comes back up from under the nuns blouse and says”Hey man, youve got a pair of balls!” The nun says, “I didnt wanna be drafted either…”
my friend committed suicide yesterday…at least he went out with a bang
“I had a great day today.” “Why?” “Because Allison was frustrated at her calculator and started banging it on the side of the table and the teacher screamed, ‘Allison how would you like it if I banged you on the table?’”
My boss said, “Why are all the women in your office crying?”
I said, “You told me to bang some heads together.”
He said, “Talk about taking things too literally!”
So I went ahead and gave a two hour lecture on taking things too literally.
What do you call it when you bang a vampire?
A graveyard smash!
What's the best part about banging your cousin?
It makes your sister jealous
I was banging a goat and I asked her if she was into it,
she said: Mehhhh
Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies.
A nurse goes up to the first guy and says, "Congratulations! You're the father of twins."
"That's odd," answers the man. "I work for the Minnesota Twins!"
A nurse says to the second guy, "Congratulations! You're the father of triplets!"
"That's weird," answers the second man. "I work for the 3M company!"
A nurse tells the third man, "Congratulations! You're the father of quadruplets!"
"That's strange," he answers. "I work for the Four Seasons hotel!"
The last man is groaning and banging his head against the wall. "What's wrong?" the others ask.
"I work for 7 Up!"
How do you bang a nun in Alabama?
Tell her you're God, which makes you her Father, then it's business as usual.
Jim, who was late to everything, was drafted. Sure enough, in boot camp, he was last in line to get a rifle.
When it was his turn, the quartermaster said, “I’m sorry but we’re all out of rifles.” Jim said, “How can I do the drills then?” The quartermaster replied, “Take this stick and when it’s time to shoot, yell ‘Bangety Bang Bang!’ Go get a bayonet on it and maybe it’ll look better.” But, again, Jim was last in line. The quartermaster tells Jim, “I’m sorry but now we’re all out of bayonets. Tie this banana on the end of your stick and when you’re doing drills, yell “Stabety Stab Stab!’”
It goes well, but after just a couple weeks of training Jim finds himself in the actual war! He’s on the front lines, and he doesn’t know what he’s going to do. But then an enemy soldier jumps out in front of him, and his training takes over. He points his stick and yells, “Bangety Bang Bang!” The soldier falls down dead. Another rushes him from the back. Jim twists around and yells’ “Stabety Stab Stab!” and that soldier also falls down dead. “Maybe that quartermaster was a wizard “, Jim thinks as he takes down enemy soldiers right and left. “Bangety Bang Bang”! “Stabety Stab Stab!”
But then a very burly soldier steps in front of Jim. “Bangety Bang Bang!”, he yells. Nothing happens. The soldier keeps coming. “Stabety Stab Stab!”, he tries. Again the soldier keeps coming. “Bangety Bang Bang!” Stabety Stab Stab!Bangety Bang Bang!” Stabety Stab Stab!” Nothing fazes the soldier as he slooooowly pushes Jim over, and tramples him to death. The enemy soldier looking down at Jim says in a very, very deep voice, “Tankety Tank Tank”.
Hear about the girl who banged her philosophy professor for a better grade?
He was deep in thot.
A story about a small event at a mates house
So basically, we were at my mates house. Now, we were about to leave, and he started banging on about this fiver he lost. Now, I wanted to try and use my phone and I thought about getting it from my pockets, but I couldn't check my pockets because then he'd think I nicked his fiver.
So I go into the bathroom and check my pockets for my phone, and I see that fiver resting on the sink. Now I couldn't just give it back to him, or he'd think that I went into the bathroom to pretend that I found it because I felt bad about nicking it. I couldn't leave it there now that I'd gone in cause after he comes back he'll see it and remember that I went in there before and didn't report it so he'd definitely think I nicked the fiver.
So... I just nicked the fiver.
Failed Pick-Up Lines:
I wish you were my big toe.
Then I would bang you on every piece of furniture at my house..
You know, at the Big Bang, the universe was flipped into an outright stretch.
And other energy bodies were like: "Bro, why are you so contorted?"
Last night I was banging a vegan, who seemed kinda familiar...
Then it dawned on me, I've been in herbivore.
An 84 year old man to his doctor: My 24 year old wife is pregnant. Your opinion doctor?
Doctor: Let me tell you a story:
There was once a man with an umbrella walking through a forested area. Suddenly a leopard jumped in front of him. Too scared to do anything, the man holds up his umbrella against the leopard and tries to shoot. A loud bang is heard and the leopard dies on the spot.
Old man: That's impossible, somebody else must have shot the leopard!
Doctor: Exactly my point!
What do you call a metal head who’s into banging fat chicks?
Down with the Thiccness
The Corona virus meets the Ebola virus. They start dating. One thing leads to another and the Corona virus bangs the Ebola virus.
Nine months later the Corolla virus is born.
Bing could have totally crushed Google if they had called it "Bang"
I mean, think about it.. "I BANGED Emma Watson last night."
An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his cane and went 'bang, bang'. Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?"
The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
We all heard that saying where if a million monkey banging on a million typewriter will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare.
Now thank to the internet we know it’s not true.
Many veterans experience PTSD from the loud bangs of fireworks around holidays like 4th of July and New Years. My advice to them is to use noise-cancelling headphones, Netflix, and pharmaceutical-grade weed.
Just like the children of Kabul.
Dave: [banging a pen on the table out of frustration]
Lady Boss: stop that, how would YOU feel if I banged you on the table?
Dave: I don’t know the correct answer to that question...
When he finished his lecture, I asked my physics professor, “What happened before The Big Bang?”
He said, “Sorry. No time.”
Heard the postman banged my wife
He's now a post-man.
I hate those people that bang on your door saying you need to be “saved” or else you’ll “burn”
NSFW What's worse than finger banging your sister?
Finding your dad's wedding ring there
Jocularity - Bang: So a guy is evading the draft, the cops bang on his door and he runs out the back and through and alley way onto a road. He finds a nun and asks if he can hide under her blouse, she complies and the cops walk by and dont see them. We all heard that saying where if a million monkey banging on a million typewriter will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare.