Seriously Funny Adult Christmas Jokes if You - Distractify (VIDEO)

"Miracle on [insert your street name]."

The Santa at the shopping mall was quite surprised when he saw Martha, a woman in her mid-twenties, asking to sit on his lap. We all know Santa doesn’t usually take requests from adults, but she smiled at him very nicely and he ended up asking her what she wanted for Christmas.
“Something for my mother, please,” she replied.
“Something for your mother? That’s very loving and thoughtful of you,” smiled Santa. “What would you like me to bring her?”
Emily answered quickly, “A son-in-law.”

Sex Drollery

As Regards Deadpan Drollery.

A mother comes home from work to find that her kids are hiding behind the couch. She asks what's wrong, and the kids reply that aunt Sally was in the house naked. So she goes to her bedroom to investigate, and she finds her husband lying on the bed naked and sweaty. She asks, "What's going on?" He replies, "I'm having a heart attack." She says "I'm going to call 911, while I'm really looking for my sister." She discovers the aunt in the bathroom closet in the nude, and gives her a slap, "How dare you! My husband is having a heart attack and you're running around scaring the kids!"

The Little Rascal's class were having a spelling test. The teacher asks if anyone can use the word "admire" in a sentence. Spanky raises his hand and says, "I admire my dog." "Good job," the teacher replies, "Now, who can use 'respect' in a sentence?" Alfalfa raises his hand and says, "I respect Spanky for admiring his dog." "Ok, " replies the teacher, "now who can use the word 'dictate' in a sentence?" There is silence in the class, then all of a sudden Buckwheat says, "Darla how did my dictate !?!"

The difference between like and love is spit and swallow.

A masterpiece of drollery, Is Sex Necessary? stands the test of time with its sidesplitting spoof and funny illustrations of men, women, and psychologists.

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

What happened to the chinese man who walked into a wall with a boner?
He smashed his his nose.
Whats the Diffenence between kinky and perverted?
Kinky is when you tickle your girl friends ass with a feather.
Perverted is when you use the whole chicken...
A girl went into a doctors office with a Strawberry up her ass, The doctor said I've got some "Cream" For that.
Why was the washing machine laughing?
Because it was taking the piss out the underpants.
What do you do with a years worth of used condoms?
Melt them, turn them into tire and call it a goodyear.
What's the difference between a penis and a bonus?
Your wife will always blow your bonus!
A man goes to a fancy dress party wearing nothing but a jamjar on his cock.
A lady asks "What are you dressed as?"
He says a fireman!
You break the glass, pull the knob and I'll cum as fast as I can.
One night a policewoman pulls over a drunk driver.
She politely asks him to step out of his car.
 He willingly does so.
She says, "Anything you say can and will be Held against you."
He replies "BREASTS."

One day, a man was fishing on a dock across from a hotel in the country, when another man came and sat down.
By way of conversation, the man asked the other what he was doing there.
"I'm on a honeymoon."
"Oh. Shouldn't you be having sex with your wife?"
"Well, I would be. But she has a yeast infection."
"What about oral sex?"
"Gingivitis."
"Anal sex?"
"Diarrhea."
"Pardon my question, but why are you with her?"
"Well, I like fishing. And she's got worms."

Sex Drollery:  A masterpiece of drollery, Is Sex Necessary? Anal sex? Oh. Shouldn't you be having sex with your wife?

Valentine's Day jokes to make them laugh 2021 | Finder

If he's busy on Valentines Day, the side chick is you! Valentines Day shouldn't be the only day you place a girl above everything else Tomorrow is Valentine's day. Don't worry if you're single. You're going to die alone anyway! I can't wait for valentines day because I get to make cupcakes for a special someone and that special someone is me.

My girlfriend wants me to take her somewhere that they make they food right in front of you for Valentine’s.
Subway here I come...

For Valentine's Day my girlfriend told me to give her nine inches and make it hurt...
... so I fucked her twice and hit her with a rock.
My buddy just got kicked out of his house. His wife was hinting at Valentine's day plans and asked him if he knew her favorite flower.
"Gold Medal All Purpose" apparently wasn't the answer.

Sex Farce

Bedroom Farce

Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.

There is much humour in the play, although few if any of the usual conventions of farce are observed.

A man is like a snowstorm. You never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it will last

Bill Clinton is no longer playing the saxophone. He is now playing the whore-Monica.

There once was a man named Sweeney.
He spilled some gin on his weenie.
That being uncouth,
He dipped it in vermouth,
And slipped his wife a dry martini.

Q: Who's the most popular male at a nudist colony?
A: The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen doughnuts.

How do you embarrass an archaeologist? Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from!

An apple, a banana and a penis got into an argument one day.
The apple says sadly "I have the worst life ever.
People take one bite of me and throw me on the ground."
The banana says "You think thats bad?
People take off my clothes, eat my insides and leave my clothes on the floor."
The penis laughs. "You guys have it easy.
You try having people sticking you in dark, wet caves, putting bags over your head, messaging you for hours and making you do push-ups until you throw up!"

Most Popular Sex Farce Movies and TV Shows.

Sex is like air – it’s not important until you’re not getting any.

Question: What’s the best thing about a blow job?
Answer: Ten minutes of silence.

Q. What do Disney World & Viagra have in common?
A. They both make you wait an hour for a two minute ride.

A woman went to her doctor for advice.
She told the physician that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she wasn't sure it was such a good idea.
The Doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?"
She said that she did. He asked, "Does it hurt you?"
She said no.
The Doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant."
The woman was mystified.
She asked, "You can get pregnant from anal sex?"
The Doctor replied, "Of course.
Where do you think lawyers come from?"

A guy and a girl are lying in a room after just having sex.
The girl lays on her side of the bed and rests.
The guy goes to his side of the bed and says to himself, "Man, oh Man I finally did it! I'm no longer a virgin."
The girl overhears him talking to himself and asks, "Are you saying you lost your virginity to me?"
"Well," the guy explains, "I always wanted to wait until I was with the woman I love to lose my virginity."
Astounded, the girl replies,"So you really love me?"
"Oh God no!", the guy says."I just got sick of waiting."


Demise of Sex Farce.

Sex farce: A guy and a girl are lying in a room after just having sex. Most Popular Sex Farce Movies and TV Shows. She asked, "You can get pregnant from anal sex?"

 

Sexual Valentine's Day Cards | Love & Sex

Why did the coworker get charged with sexual harassment on Valentine's Day?
Because he had a heart on.
For Valentine's Day, I booked the most expensive table at a restaurant that's named after the underworld.
When my girlfriend asked me where we were eating, I told her I'd reserved a special place in Hell for us.

My girlfriend gave me a Valentine's Day card
Silly girl disguised it as a restraining order

Happy Valentine's.
For the past twenty years, I've received a Valentine's card from the same secret admirer. So, I was pretty upset when I didn't get one this year.
First my granny dies, now this?

Halloween Pick Up Lines For Dating Apps Or Real - Life

If I were a zombie, I’d eat you first.

Let’s take this party back to my coffin.

You must be made of candy because you look sweet.

Want to find out what I turn into at midnight?

Person you are with doesn't fantasize you're someone else, you already are.

Doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.

Funny Christmas Pickup Lines | POPSUGAR Love & Sex (VIDEO)

I could work with the elves in the ribbon-tying department because I’m a pretty knotty girl.
Christmas Pick-Up Lines Part

How does Santa practice safe sex?
He always wraps his package before shoving it down the chimney.

Why doesn’t Santa have kids of his own?
He only comes once a year.

What did Santa sing when he went down the chimney?
“Chestnuts roasting on an open fire…”

You know, that’s not a candy cane in my pocket…
I’m just THAT happy to see you.

Screw the nice list; I’ve got you on my “nice and naughty list!

Sex Quiz

What is your Sex personality?

Quiz: Sex Fact or Fiction.

Did you hear about the guy who died of a Viagra overdose? They couldn't close his casket.

What's the difference between kinky and perverted? Kinky is when you tickle your girlfriend with a feather, perverted is when you use the whole bird.

A boy was going through his grandmother's wallet one night and found her ID card. "Grandma?" he asked,"How much do you weigh?" His grandmother replied, "That's not an appropriate question, Jimmy" He then asked, "How old are you?" She again replied, "That's not appropriate, Jimmy." Finally he asked, "Grandma, why did grandpa leave you?" Before she had time to answer, Jimmy looked at the card and said, "Oh I see, it's because you got an 'F' in sex."

Q: What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
A: I wouldn't pay $200 to have a lentil on my face.

How much do you really know about Sex? Take this short quiz to see how you score against your friends.

A Doctor while examining an old retired Army vet, "when was the last time you had sex?"
with a long pause the vet replies."1955 i believe"
Doctor: "Whoa! Its been a long while then ?"
Vet: Its only 20:15 right now?

After every sentence i say you say ketchup and rubber buns.
what did you eat for breakfast? "ketchup & rubber buns."
what did you eat for lunch? "ketchup & rubber buns."
what did you eat for dinner? "ketchup & rubber buns."
what do you do when you see a hot girl? "ketchup & rubber buns."
YOU WHERE RUBBING MY GF'S WHAT?!?!

Find Out What Your Sex Style Is: Quiz

What’s the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit?
A zit will wait until you’re twelve before it comes on your face.

What’s the difference between your wife and your job?
After five years, your job will still suck.

Two ladies are sitting in a veterinary waiting room with their dogs. One of them has a large Rottweiler. She peers over at the other and asks “what are you in for?”
The second has a tiny Terrier. She looks up abruptly and replies “ohhhh well Rosco here gets so excited when the mail is delivered. He runs all over the house and then mounts my leg. I can’t do anything with him in that state… so I’m having him fixed. How about you?”
The first lady snaps back “oh my! I have the same issue with Brutus here! When I go out to get the paper, as soon as I bend down he’s all over me!”
“Oh you’re getting him fixed then?”
“No, I’m getting his nails trimmed…”

And just like your clothing style, sexual style changes over time! So if you’ve already taken this quiz, hi, feel free to take it again.

Sex Quiz: How much do you really know about Sex? And just like your clothing style, sexual style changes over time! Find Out What Your Sex Style Is.

The best Valentines day jokes

If he's busy on Valentines Day, the side chick is you! What did the painter say to her boyfriend? "I love you with all my art!" What do single people call Valentine's Day? Happy Independance Day What is the difference between a calendar and you? A calendar has a date on Valentine's day. What's the best part about Valentines Day? The day after when all the chocolate goes on sale. Why did the pig give his girlfriend a box of candy? It was Valenswine's Day!

What is the true purpose of Valentine's Day? To remind single people they are single. Why is Valentine's Day the best day for a celebration? Because you can really party hearty! What did one oar say to the other? "Can I interest you in a little row-mance?" What did the pencil say to the paper? "I dot my i's on you!"

Sex Jocundity

Define jocundity.

Two men visit a prostitute. The first man goes into the bedroom. He comes out ten minutes later and says, "Heck. My wife is better than that." The second man goes in. He comes out ten minutes later and says, "You know? Your wife IS better."

Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know, I get a little each month, but not enough to live on.”

Why do woman have two sets of lips? One set to tell you off with, and the other to make you forget you're mad!

If you were born in September, it's pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a bang.

A man walks into a pub and asks for 12 shots of vodka. The barman says, "Wow, 12. Are you celebrating?" The man replies, "I've just experienced my first blow job." The barman says, "That's brilliant. Let me get you another one on the house." The man replies, "No, that's okay. If the twelfth one doesn't get the taste out of my mouth nothing will."

Q: How do you turn a cat into a fish?
A: Tell the woman not to wash down there.

I'm so hot, when I took of my clothes in the bathroom, the shower got turned on.

While on a date a women goes to the bathroom
Man: Uh... wrong way that's the men's room
Woman: Oh my GOD! this is so embarrassing!
Man: It's not a big deal.
Woman: I guess not, but you know what they say, old habits die hard.
Man: ...............

What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

How is life like a penis?
Your girlfriend makes it hard.

Two nuns are riding bikes along a cobbled road. One turns to the other and says, “I’ve never come this way before”. The other replies, “Neither have I. It must be the cobbles”.

Four nuns die and arrive at the pearly gates. Saint Peter is there and asks the first nun if she had ever touched a penis.
“Yes,” she admits. “I once touched a penis with the tip of my finger.”
“Dip your finger into the holy water and enter the kingdom of Heaven,” says Saint Peter. The nun dips her finger in the holy water and enters heaven.
Saint Peter asks the same question of the second nun.
“Yes,” she admits. “I once touched a penis with one hand.”
“Dip your hand into the holy water and enter the kingdom of Heaven,” says Saint Peter. The second nun complies and enters heaven.
At this point, the fourth nun abruptly cuts in line.
“Hang on!” she says, pointing at the third nun. “You’d better let me go next, because there’s no way I’m gargling that shit after she sticks her ass in it!”

Mom finds a large number of BDSM magazines beneath her sons bed. Calls her husband up to the room to show him and discuss. “What do you think we should do?” she asks. Father frowns and responds “Well I guess spanking him is out of the question”

Sex Jocundity: Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex.

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