Jokes about fake orgasms

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.

Give Me One. This guy is married and his wife knows he is a bit of a cranky pants. They go out together on a night out. They go to the restaurant and order a nice meal. Midway through he calls the waiter and says, "Is there any such thing as a decent glass of wine to go with this dinner, if so give me one." Then they go to a pub where he calls to the barman, "Is there any such thing as pints of beer here, if so give me one." On the way home they stop at a takeaway where he says, "Is there any such thing as a burger here, if so give me one." They go home and then go to bed and the man says "Is there any such thing as sex here?" His wife says, "It depends." The man says, "What do you mean by that?" and his wife responds, "Is there any such thing as an orgasm here, if so give me one."

A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.

After I orgasm, I yell "Aaaaand scene." Then I push him off me, throw him his clothes while holding the door open& say "Ummm. We'll call u."

My wife once told me " Mike you're the only man who ever gave me multiple orgasms", which pissed me off because my names not Mike

On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman.
He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing.
The officer looked at her for a second, and then said, "Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!"

°The doc told a guy that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it,"
He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.
Finally, he realized his solution.
On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway.
He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck.
Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to play with his unit.
He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to the big finish, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants.
Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"
He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?"
The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."
Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."

Jokes about fake orgasms:  Women might be able to fake orgasms. A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm.

Jokes about sex battery

Q: What did the corn chip say to the battery? A: I'm Frito Lay if your Ever Ready.

Q: Whats the definition of vagina?
A: The box a penis comes in.

Apparently 98% of black people enjoy sex in the shower.
The other 2% have never been to prison.

What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down. And possibly use a lubricant.


An old man goes to his doctor and says, ‘Can you give me something to lower my sex drive.’
The doctor replies, ‘I would have thought at your age it’s all in the mind,’
‘It is,’ agrees the old man.
‘That’s why I want it lower.’

A kid came home from school and asked his dad, "Dad, I heard some kids talking about a thing called a vagina. What is a vagina, and what does it look like?"
"Well, son, before sex it looks like a beautiful unopened rose."
"Wow, what does it look like after sex?"
"Well, son, have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonaise?"

Jokes about Sex - Brothers

I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my 17 brothers and sisters and they didn't know either.

I'm hosting a charity event for people who struggle to reach orgasm. If you can't come, let me know.

The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] "Go on without me"


Blake Griffin landed a dick joke about Caitlyn Jenner at the Comedy Central Roast of Alex Baldwin, which aired last weekend. "Caitlyn completed her gender reassignment in 2017, finally confirming that no one in that family wants a white dick," he said to roars of laughter. Was the joke offensive? Racist? Hilarious? All of the above? For her part, Jenner took the dick joke in stride. "Caitlyn was down for it," one of the writers of the roast said. "She was like, 'Well, you know, I'm gonna hit hard. I want them to hit me hard.' And so we did."

What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man.

Q: What's the difference between light and hard? A: You can sleep with a light on.

Sometimes I think being a girl is so unfair and then other times I have 27 consecutive orgasms.

Pussy Jokes

Q: What do KFC and pussy have in common? A: Both are finger lickin' good and after you are done eating you have a box to put the bone in.

 

Pedro lives in an orphanage. One day Pedro is heading towards town with his hands claped together, when the padre who runs this orphanage asks Pedro, "What do you have in your hands and where are you going?" Pedro replies, "Father, I have horseflies and I am going to town to get horses." Sure enough later Pedro comes back with two beautiful Arabians. Next day Pedro walks past the priest again with the same question, "Pedro, what do you have in your hand and where are you going?" Pedro replies once again, "Father I have butter and I am going to town to get butterflies." Sure enough Pedro returns with beautiful monarch butterflies. The very next day Pedro is headed towards town once again when the Priest asks the same question, "Pedro what do you have in your hands and where are you going?" Again Pedro replies, "Father I have Pussy willows-" "Wait, Pedro!" says the Priest, "I'll go with you!!"

 

A man is in a lift (elevator) with a beautiful woman. he looks her up and down, leans forward and says to her “Excuse me, but can I smell your pussy?”
“Certainly not!” she replies “It must be your feet then.” says the man.

 

What do you do when your cat's dead? Play with the neighbor's pussy instead.

 

My girlfriend came out of the shower and said "I shaved my pussy, you know what that means? I said "yeah, the drain is clogged again. "

Mom: If a boy touches your boobs say "don't" and if he touches your pussy say "stop"? Girl: But mom, he touched both so I said "don't stop".

 

A dick has a sad life. His hair's a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an asshole, his best friend's a pussy, and his owner beats him.

 

A gay says: "Dick has been made only for the ass; if it was suitable for pussy it should be made like an axe!

 

If God hadn't meant the pussy to be eaten, he wouldn't have made it look like a taco.

 

If God made anything better than pussy he kept it for himself.

 

“An old man and his wife are getting ready for bed one night when all of a sudden the old lady bursts out of the bathroom, flings open her robe and yells "Super pussy!" And the old man says, "I'll have the soup.”

 

Mom: If a boy touches your boobs say "don't" and if he touches your pussy say "stop"? Girl: But mom, he touched both so I said "don't stop"

 

Boy: "Want to hear a joke about my dick? Never mind, its too long." Girl: "Wanna hear a joke about my pussy? Never mind, you won't get it."

 

A dick has a sad life. His hair's a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an asshole, his bestfriend's a pussy, and his owner beats him.

 

Three women were debating about how wide their pussy are.
The first one said: "When my husband makes sex he puts his penis and his testicles in my pussy."
The second lady said: "Wooo when we are in bed my husband puts his hand and his arm in mine."
It was the turn of the third woman that pointed to her pussy and said: Jimy; Jimy come out, please."

Dick jokes

There was an old couple laying in bed. The man turns and tells the woman, "If you want to have sex, pull on my dick once. If you don't want to have sex, pull on my dick one hundred times."

 

Three guys travel to Saudi Arabia and get lost. They walk into a tent that they think was the one they rented, but actually belongs to a prince with 3 hot wives. The prince comes home and thinks his wives are cheating on him. As a punishment, he tells them that their penises will have to be cut off in some way relating to their occupation.
He asks the first guy what his job was.
"I'm an employee at the shooting range," he replies.
"Then we'll shoot your dick off!" the prince says.
"I'm a fireman," the second guy says.
"Then we'll burn your cock off!" says the prince.
The third guy smiles and says, "I'm a lollipop salesman."

 

Two prostitutes are standing on a corner. One says, "Tonight is gonna be a good night. I can smell the dick in the air." The other says, "Sorry, I just burped."

 

A husband says to his wife, "I bet you can't tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time." The wife thinks about it for a few moments and replies, "Your dick is bigger than your brothers."

A man walks into a bar and the bartender says, "If you can make that horse over there laugh, you can get free drinks for the rest of the night." The man walks over, says something to the horse, it laughs, and he walks back over to the bar to collect his free drinks. The next night, the man goes back to the bar and the bartender asks the man if he can make the horse cry. The man walks over, does something to the horse, and it starts to cry. The bartender asks, "How did you make it cry?" The man replies, "Well, to make the horse laugh last night I told it I had a bigger dick and to make it cry tonight I showed it."

 

What do you call the useless piece of skin on a dick? The man.

 

What’s the difference between your dick and a bonus check? Someone’s always willing to blow your bonus.

 

What do you call a guy with a small dick? Just-in!

 

What do you call a guy with a giant dick? Phil!

 

What did the O say to the Q? Dude, your dick’s hanging out.

 

What is Moby Dick's dad's name? Papa Boner.

 

What do you get when you cross a dick with a potato? A dictator!

 

How is a woman like a condom? Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

 

What is the difference between a joke and 3 dicks? Your mom can't take a joke.

 

There are hundred holes in in my wife's body; one of them is filled by my dick and the 99 others has been filled by money.

 

Woman, 21, who crashed car on her way to have sex with ex jokes ‘I did plan to get rear ended’

A mom of an eight year old boy is awaiting her son's arrival from school. As he runs in, he says he needs to talk to her about making babies. He claims he knows about the development of a fetus, but doesn't understand the answer to the million dollar question. Namely, how does the sperm get into the woman? The mom asks the boy what he thinks the answer is. The boy says that the sperm is manufactured in the man's stomach, rises up to his chest, then throat, and into his mouth, where he then kisses the woman and deposits the sperm into her mouth. The mom tells her boy that it is a good guess, but it's wrong. She gives him a hint by telling him that the sperm comes out of the man's penis. Suddenly, the boy's face becomes quite red and he says, "You mean you put your mouth on that thing?"

Man: "Hey baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do not enter."

I had sex with a Chinese woman last night. It was great, but an hour later I was STILL horny!

A young woman asked her mom if she could go out for some fries and eat them with friends for 2 hours. Her mom said, "Sure." However, the daughter went to her boyfriends and had sex with him for 2 hours. When she came back home, her mom asked her how the fries were. The daughter replied, "Nice!" The mom said, "I can tell you enjoyed them; there's still mayonnaise dripping from your face."

After fighting some crime, Superman wanted to score some action. He flew over to Wonder Woman's apartment to see if she was available. As he landed on her balcony, he saw Wonder Woman naked on the bed with her legs wide open. Superman thought to himself, "I'm faster than a speeding bullet; I could be in there, have sex, and be out again before she knew what happened." So Superman did his super thing in a split second and flew off happily. Meanwhile back on the bed, Wonder Woman asked, "Did you hear something?" "No!" said the Invisible Man, "But my ass sure hurts like hell!"

One day a man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the lady parted her legs, the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming, "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!" The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit." The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said "Okay, what I'm going to do is rub some honey over the tip of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my penis, I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina. The husband nodded and gave his approval. The lady said, "Yes, whatever, just get on with it." So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, entered the woman. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should try further." The lady began to quiver with excitement, moaning aloud. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself. The husband became very annoyed and shouted, "Now wait a minute! What the hell do you think you're doing?" The doctor, still concentrating, replied, "Change of plan. I'm gonna drown the bastard!"

Woman jokes about sex: I had sex with a Chinese woman last night. However, the daughter went to her boyfriends and had sex with him for 2 hours. I could be in there, have sex, and be out again before she knew what happened.

Sounding Off on ‘That’s What She Said’ Jokes sexuality

It is no accident that we talk about what she said. There is nothing exciting or novel about the notion that to be a male, an adolescent male in particular, is to want to have sex. There is nothing newsworthy about males being sexually active because males are trusted with their bodies and sexuality. Guys who have sex are congratulated. We only talk about half of the equation, the female involved, because, although the resounding majority of messages towards girls tell them to be sexy, they are still expected to be virginal. Girls who choose to have sex are criticized, berated, and scrutinized. Yet everyone hopes they will “strike” again so there is something to talk about. But the idea that there are actual, real, talking females involved in sex, well that’s interesting.

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face, and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!" Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut." Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's mom asked, "Really small, was it?" Sally replied, "No, salty." Mom fainted.

Three words to ruin a man's ego. "Is it in?"

A man is walking down the street, when he notices that his grandfather is sitting on the porch in a rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa, what are you doing?" the man exclaims. The old man looks off in the distance and does not answer his grandson. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asks again. The old man slyly looks at him and says, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma's idea!"

Guy sitting at a bar, his friend comes up to him and asks ‘why are you looking so down?’
‘Well, you know that woman at my office that I get an erection over even just thinking about, I finally got the courage to ask her out’
‘That’s awesome, what happened?’
‘Before the date, I was nervous about getting a hard on in front of her so I taped my penis to my leg so even if I got a boner, she wouldn’t see it’
‘Good thinking, what happened next?’
‘I knocked on her door and she looks absolutely amazing, like proper humdinging’
‘Niiiice. And?’
‘I kicked her in the face’

A man comes home to his wife with a sheep under his arm.
He says “Honey, this is the pig I fuck when I’m not with you.”
“That’s not a pig,” she says.
He replies, “I wasn’t talking to you.”

A family is at the zoo and they get to the elephants when the daughter notices something odd so she looks at her mom and says “Mom what’s that thing hang down from the elephant?” She answers “That’s his trunk” “no in the back” ” thats his tail” “No underneath” The mother blushes and says “Oh that’s nothing” The daughter is confused so she asks her dad. “Dad what’s that thing hanging down under the elephant?” “Oh that’s his penis” “Why when I asked Mommy did she say it was nothing?” “Oh, she’s just spoiled.”

Sounding thats joke about sex: Girls who choose to have sex are criticized, berated, and scrutinized. There is nothing exciting or novel about the notion that to be a male, an adolescent male in particular, is to want to have sex. Guys who have sex are congratulated.

Sex of flies | Jokes - Christophe

They are going to play golf at the business meeting.
The guy flies out there a day early.
He's got all day in Japan so he decides he wants to get himself a geisha.
He goes to a house of ill repute and finds what he's looking for.
He takes her in back and starts doing his thing.
The girl starts going crazy.
She starts yelling, "Machigatta ana! Machigatta ana!"
He thinks, "This girl is loving this."
Next day in the golf course he hits a hole in one.
He doesn't know any Japanese so he yells, "Machigatta ana!"
The Japanese guys ask him, "What do you mean wrong hole?"

A woman enters her kitchen and finds her husband motionless with a fly-kill in his hand.
— What are you doing ? — she asks.
— I'm chasing the flies — he replies.
— Oh ! How many have you killed ? — she asks.
— 3 males, 2 females — he answers.
Intrigued, she asks:
— How can you differentiate between males and females?
He answers:
— 3 were on a can of beer, 2 were on the phone.

À la pharmacie, la vendeuse dit :
— On a des shampooings pour les cheveux gras, des shampooings pour les cheveux secs, des shampooings pour les cheveux normaux...
Le client demande :
— En avez-vous pour des cheveux sales ?

Layla Jones said: “Imagine his disappointment when you tell him you’ve crashed though.”
A man called Kaine suggested she got “Straight in the Uber.”

I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

"Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled, "I'm so wet, give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted to. I was keeping the umbrella.

A couple are rushing into the hospital because the wife is going into labor. As they walk, a doctor says to them that he has invented a machine that splits the pain between the mother and father. They agree to it and are led into a room where they get hooked up to the machine. The doctor starts it off at 20% split towards the father. The wife says, "Oh, that's actually better." The husband says he can't feel anything. Then the doctor turns it to 50% and the wife says that it doesn't hurt nearly as much. The husband says he sill can't feel anything. The Doctor, now encouraged, turns it up to 100%. The husband still can't feel anything, and the wife is really happy, because there is now no pain for her. The baby is born. The couple go home and find the postman groaning in pain on the doorstep.

An old lady went to visit her dentist. When it was her turn, she sat in the chair, lowered her underpants, and raised her legs. The dentist said, “Excuse me, but I’m not a gynecologist.” “I know,” said the old lady. “I want you to take my husband’s teeth out.”

Flies jokes about sex: I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!

 

Jokes about sex - one night stand

One day, there were two boys playing by a stream. One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it. The other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was at the bush for so long. The other boy went over to the bush and looked. The two boys were looking at a woman bathing naked in the stream. All of a sudden, the second boy took off running. The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away, so he took off after his friend. Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he ran away. The boy said to his friend, "My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady, I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran."

I'm not calling you a slut, I'm calling you a penny: two faced, worthless, and in everyone's pants.

One weekend, a husband is in the bathroom shaving when the local kid Bubba he hired to mow his lawn, comes in to pee. The husband slyly looks over and is shocked at how immensely endowed Bubba is. He can't help himself, and asks Bubba what his secret is. "Well," says Bubba, "every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my penis on the bedpost three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!" The husband was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night. So before climbing into bed with his wife, he took out his penis and whacked it three times on the bedpost. His wife, half-asleep, said, "Bubba? Is that you?"

Q: What kind of bees make milk instead of honey?
A: Boo-bees

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?" The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to f*ck your brains out, and suck your t*ts dry." Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?" He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

One day Little Johnny asks his Mum, "How come when I come in to your room you and you're on top of Daddy, you say you're making a sandwich, but after a while I come in again, you're eating a sausage?!"

Little Billy came home from school to see the family's pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home, Billy mentioned, "Dad, our rooster is dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs like that?" His father, thinking quickly, said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven." "Gee Dad, that's great," said little Billy. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad! Dad, we almost lost Mom today!" "What do you mean?" asked his father. "Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom, flat on her back with her legs in the air, screaming, 'Jesus, I'm coming! I'm coming!' If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down, we'd have lost her for sure!"

One joke about sex

Best sex jokes ever - soft as your breast

The best things in the world are free - and worth every penny of it.

Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.

Most guys walk up and stick it in... I stick it in then walk up...

“Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to the counter, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best sex in town!" Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sw-eeeeet!" Again, the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!" Finally, the guy interrupts. "Go home, dad, you're drunk.”


“A couple were in the bathroom getting ready for work when the husband looked at his wife and said, "I gotta have you!" He backed her up against the bathroom door, pulled down her panties, and ravaged her. He knew he was doing great because she screamed and wiggled more than she ever had before. When he was finished, he started putting his clothes back on and when he noticed his wife still writhing against the door he said, "That was the best, honey. You've never moved like that before, you didn't hurt yourself, did you?" And his wife replied, "No, no. I'll be okay once I can get this old doorknob out of my ass."

The best thing about having sex with Jesus is the second coming.

Nude Beach. Two parents take their son on a vacation to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water. The son comes running up to his mom and says..."Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!" The mom says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says..."Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!" The mom says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says..."Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got !"

Weeks later the old lady returned.
She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong.
She shook her head.
”How did it go?” the doctor asked.
”Terrible, doctor, terrible.”
”Did it not work?”
”Yes,” the old lady said, ”It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I’d had in 25 years.”
”Then what is the problem, ma’am?”
”Well,” she said. ”I can’t ever show my face in McDonald’s again.

Best sex jokes: Your mom's the best sex in town!" Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. It was the best sex that I’d had in 25 years.” The best thing about having sex with Jesus is the second coming. 

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