Jokes about sex #2021

Q: What does the receptionist at the sperm clinic say when clients are leaving?
A: “Thanks for coming!”

Q: What is 6.9?
A: A really great thing ruined by a period.

What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?
A genealogist looks up the family tree, a gynecologist looks up the family bush.

An old woman walked into a dentist's office, took off all her clothes and spread her legs. The dentist said, ''I think you have the wrong room.''
''You put in my husband's teeth last week," she replied. "Now you have to remove them."

What’s long and hard and full of semen?
A submarine.

A man walks into a bar. Upon sitting down a busty blond waitress pours him a drink and asks if he would like some food. He looks up at the menu above the bar it says:
    Hot dog – $2
    Cheeseburger – $5
    Hand job – $10
He asks the waitress, “Miss are you the one who gives the hand jobs?” She winks and replies, “why yes I am.” He says, “Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger.”

On this particular day, the teacher wanted to ask her class “Which part of the body went to heaven first?”
One little girl raised her hand and said, “I think your mind goes to heaven first because you have to have a mind in order to believe in God. The teacher praises the little girl.
Then a little boy raises his hand and says, “I think your heart goes to heaven first because God is all about love. “Very good,” said the teacher.
The teacher looked up and saw Little Johnny’s hand up. “Oh no”, she thought, “I’m not gonna like this. Little Johnny, which part of the body do you think goes to heaven first?”
Little Johnny thinks for a minute and says, “Your feet.” The teacher asked him why he thought your feet go to heaven first. He replied, “Well, I was walking past my parents’ bedroom last night and my mom had her feet up in the air and she said, “Oh god, I’m coming!”

What are the three shortest words in the English language? Is it in?

Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg? Because they won't stop to ask directions.

Men approve of premarital sex until daughters are born.

Masturbation always leads to sex. It's a gateway tug.

What's the difference between a paycheck and a penis? You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck.

Don't judge women by kilos, and you won't be judged by centimeters.

Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.

What's the difference between a tire and 365 used rubbers? One is a Goodyear and the other is a great year.

Why do men like masturbation? It's sex with someone they love.

Your blow up date saw you naked, and self deflated.

Do you raise chickens? Because you raise my cock.

Any skirt looks good on the back of the chair.

Now I know why they call it a beaver, because I'm dying for your wood.

I sent an angel to watch over you last night but he came back saying he can't watch porn...

If you're slutty enough, every day can be Halloween.

Sex jokes #2021: It's sex with someone they love. Men approve of premarital sex until daughters are born. Masturbation always leads to sex.

Ass jokes

A man and woman had been married for 30 years, and in those 30 years, they always left the lights off when having sex. He was embarrassed and scared that he couldn't please her, so he always used a big dildo on her. All these years she had no clue. One day, she decided to reach over and flip the light switch on and saw that he was using a dildo. She said "I knew it, asshole, explain the dildo!" He said, "Explain the kids!"

 

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke. "Well sister, this looks pretty grim." "I know, father." "In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two." "I agree." "Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?" "Anything father." "I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours." "Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm." The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty. "Sister would you mind if I touched them?" She consented and he fondled them for several minutes. "Father, could I ask something of you?" "Yes sister?" "I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?" "I supposed that would be OK," the priest replied lifting his robe. "Oh father, may I touch it?" This time the priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection. "Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life." "Is that true father?" "Yes it is, sister." "Then why don't you stick it up that camel's ass and lets get the hell out of here."

 

A wife and husband are having money issues. One day they decide to have the wife work the corner. Later that night the husband goes to pick the wife up. He asks, "How much did you make, sweetie?" She answers, "I made $200.50." The husband says, "What asshole gave you 50 cents?" She replies, "All of them."

Jokes about sex.

 

Jokes about sex positions

What is a snowman's favorite sex position? Sled doggy-style.

The guy leaves, but on the way home decides that this doctor is full of shit.
He then has an idea.
Once home, he finds a mason jar and deposits a small urine sample into it.
He then gets his wife, daughter, and dog to also make a contribution.
Not satisfied with this he scrapes some oil off the garage floor under where his car is parked and drops that into the mix, and for the icing on the cake he chokes his chicken long enough to get the desired results, drops that into the jar, seals the lid, and then gives the concoction a good shake.
“There ya go, doc. Stick that up your computer!”

In the Sex Ed class the teacher says, "All right, class, I want you to go home and come back tomorrow with as many positions as you can think of for making sex."
The next day she says to Little Johnny in the back, "Well, John, how many positions did you come up with?"
Johnny says, "Seventy-three."
The teacher says, "Oh, my goodness...uh...very good, John, very good..."
She calls on Becky in the front and says, "All right, Becky, how about you?"
Becky says, "Gee, teacher, I only came up with one...where the guy just lays on top of the girl."
Johnny yells, "Seventy-four."

Q: What do Democrats and porn stars have in common?
A: They are experts in switching positions in front of a camera.

Husband: "Shall we try a different position tonight?"
Wife: "That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart."

Jokes about oral sex

I love oral sex... it's the phone bill I hate.

Before sex, you help each other get naked.
After sex, you dress only yourself.
Moral: In life no one helps you once you're fucked.

While doing a vasectomy, the doctor slipped and cut off one of the man’s balls.
To avoid a huge malpractice suit, he decided to replace the missing testicle with a pickled onion.
Several weeks later, the patient returned for a checkup. “How’s your sex life?” asked the doctor.
“Pretty good,” the man said, to the doctor’s obvious relief.
But then the patient added, “I’ve had some strange side effects that are causing serious problems.”
“What’s that?” the doctor asked anxiously.
“Well, every time I urinate, my eyes water.”
“Hmm,” said the doctor, thoughtfully.
“That’s not all,” continued the patient. “When my wife does me orally, she gets heartburn.”
“Hmm,” said the doctor, as his face reddened.
“It gets worse, Doc. Now, every time I pass a hamburger stand….I get an erection!”

Q: What is the difference between oral and anal sex?
A: Oral sex makes your day and Anal sex makes your whole weak.

69 Jokes

A man was having premature ejaculation problems so he went to the doctor. The doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself." That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol and ran home to his wife. That night the two were having sex and found themselves in the 69 position. The man felt the urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol. The next day he went back to the doctor who asked how it went. The man answered, "Not well. When I fired the pistol, my wife pooped on my face, bit three inches off my penis, and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air."

Q: What comes after 69? A: Mouthwash.

 

A man hires a hooker and they go back to his house. The man says I have never had a 69 before. The hooker says okay lets try that. they get into position and she farts. the hooker says o i'm sorry, i don't know whats gotten into me. she goes into the bathroom to freshen up. she comes out and gets into position and again she farts. she says sorry i don/t know whats gotten into me.let me go freshen up . she gets into position again and she farts she says sorry let me go freshen up. The man says don't worry i don't want 67 more of those

 

I used to work at a company called 69, my friend took over my position.

 

What's the speed limit of sex? 68; at 69 you have to turn around.

 

Whats 72? A: 69 with three people watching.

 

I asked my Grandma if she ever tried 69.
And she said, "No, but I have done 53 that's all the sailors I could screw in one night."

 

Girl: I get horny everytime I hear something sexual, it's weird I know, but anyway, what's your name?
Me: Sir BJ Anal The 69th.

 

Q: What's the speed limit of sex?
A: 68. Because at 69 you have to turn around!

 

Q: Did you hear about the couple that "96ed?"
A: After they "69ed" they rolled over and sh*t in each other's hair.

 

Q: Do you know what 69 is?
A: It's a good thing screwed up by a period.

Jokes about sex.

 

Nine months Jokes

A guy and girl had sex poem competition.
Guy: "Two times two is four, four plus five is nine. I can put mine in yours, but you can't put yours in mine."
Girl: "Two times two is four, four plus five is nine. I know the length of yours, but you won't know the depth of mine."

 

Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.

Q: What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate?
A: Miracle Whip.

 

A Chinese man came home after a late night of drinking, and crawls in bed next to his sleeping wife.
After lying awake for a few minutes, he wakes up his wife and says "Hey honey, wanna do a sixty-nine?"
"Well, you've got a lot of nerve! First you come home late, you're drunk, and now you expect me to go to the kitchin and fix you Mongolian beef with snow-peas!"

 

 

Jokes about camping sex

Have you ever tried camping sex? No, well its fucking in tents!

Q: Ever had sex while camping?
A: It's fucking intents.


Maths is like s*x...
ADD the bed
MINUS the clothes
DIVIDE the legs
and pray you don't MULTIPLY.

Q: Why do black women lose their hair at an early age?
A: From all of the hair pulling during rape.

A ship with 30 sailors and one woman strands on a desert island.
After one month the woman says:
"I can not proceed in this way."
And she suicides herself. After another month, the sailors say:
"We can not proceed in this way."
And they bury the woman. The next month, the sailors say:
"We can not proceed in this way."
And they dig up the woman.

Two old ladies are discussing their dead husbands.
‘Tell me,’ says one.
‘Did you have mutual orgasms?’
‘No,’ says the other.
‘I think we were with the Prudential.’

I’m not cheap, but I am on special this week.

Q. Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A. They don't have time.

How do girls get minks?
The same way minks get minks.

One day a man got on the bus and saw a nun.
He started to have sexual Thoughts about her and tried to stop but she looked so good that he couldn't Stop.
So once she got off the bus the man asked the bus driver if he knew Where she was going.
The bus driver said to meet the nun at the church at 8:0op.m dressed like jesus. He went there dressed like jesus.
This Surprised the nun and she asked him what she needed to do and he said have anal sex with him.
Afterwards, the man said I have a confession to make and he told her he wasn't jesus but the man on the bus.
The nun then said she had a confession also. She was the busdriver..

My favorite sexual position is called "The Osama"...
its where I burst into your room and blow a load on your face.

A honeymoon couple go into a hotel and ask for a suite.
‘Bridal?’ asks the desk clerk.
‘No thanks,’ replies the bride, ‘I’ll just hang onto his shoulders.’


What does a nigger do after sex?
25 years to life.

My previous girlfriend had this weird sleeping disorder - in the middle of every night she would wake up and suck my dick.
No wonder her dad did not want her to move out.

I tried some of that aphrodisiac rhino horn and it really worked.
I’m really beginning to fancy those rhinos now.

Yo momma so nasty i had phone sex with her and she gave me an earinfection.

Q: What do Blondes say after sex?
A1: Thanks Guys.
A2: Are you boys all in the same band?
A3: Do you guys all play for the Green Bay Packers?


Q. What's the definition of a Yankee?
A. Same thing as a ''quickie'', only you do it yourself.

Jokes about camping sex: Have you ever tried camping sex? Ever had sex while camping? What do Blondes say after sex? 

Jokes about sex - Balls

Q: Why do bunnies have soft sex?
A: They have cotton balls.

Grandmother is so stupid, she’s gone on the pill because she doesn’t want any more grandchildren.


How do you make a woman scream twice in the bedroom?
Fuck her in the ass then wipe your dick on the curtains.

Hey! I don't have a mom, me and my dad share yours.

Lifting weights have really helped me with the ladies - the last five I raped didn't stand a chance.

A man limps into a bar with a cane and alligator.
The bartender stops him and says "Hold on a second here - you can't bring that animal in here, they aren't allowed!"
So the man says, "But my gator here does a really cool trick..."
The bartender says "Well then, lets see!"
So the man whips out his dick and shoves it in the gators mouth.
He then takes his cane and starts bashing the gator in the head with it.
A crowd gathers around and everyone is astonished when he pulls out his dick without a single scratch.
He looks around at the crowd and says, "Does anyone else want to try?"
An old lady raises her hand and says..."Sure, but don't hit me with that stick."

A tourist in Sweden is drinking in a bar when an attractive woman sits next to him.
‘Hello,’ he says.
‘Do you speak English?’
‘Oh I speaking not much English,’ replies the woman.
‘How much?’ asks the man.
The woman replies, ‘200 Kroner.’

What’s a man’s definition of safe sex?
Meeting his mistress at least 30 miles from his house.

Question master: ‘In the Garden of Eden, what were the first words Eve said to Adam?’
Contestant: ‘Gosh, that’s a hard one!’
Question master: ‘Well done. Two points.’

What do you call kinky sex with chocolate?

Jokes about group sex

Q: Why don't Canadians have group sex?
A: Too many thank-you letters to write afterwards.

Smoke a smoke
Not a butt
Fuck a virgin
Not a slut.

Q: What do a woman and a bar have in common?
A: Liquor in the front, Poker in the back.

Two men are having a drink together.
One says, ‘I had sex with my wife before we were married.
What about you?’
‘I don’t know,’ says the other.
‘What was her maiden name?’

A husband feeling a bit horny goes to the bathroom and returns with 4 aspirin and a glass of water for his wife.
He says, "Here honey, here are some aspirin and a some water."
She replied, "but honey I do not have a headache!"
He replied, "Thank God!"
 

Why are guys like microwavable meals?
They’re both done in 30 seconds.


Man to woman: ‘Tell me, after having sex do you ever smoke?’
Woman: ‘I’ve never looked.’

A man and his wife agreed on a code to use in front of their kids when they want to have s*x.
The code is: "Making a call."
One day the man ask his son to tell his mother, that dad wants to make a phone call.
The boy returns to his dad, that mom says she is out of order.
Then he ask him to tell her, that dad will go outside to make a phone call.
The boy returns, that mom says, "If you do so, she will open a central telephone station in the house."

Gays Jokes

A gay guys walks into a pharmacy with his suppository prescription and approaches the front counter. He hands the prescription to the pharmacist and after confirming the prescription, the pharmacist asks him, "Okay sir, what kind of pills would you like?" The guy looks around and over the shoulder of the pharmacist, and spots something he wants. He points at the wall and says, "I'll take that kind right there!" The pharmacist looks at what he is pointing at and says, "Sorry sir, but you cant have that. It's our fire extinguisher!"

 

Two gay guys are sitting at a little pub looking out the window in a small town. This guy walks by, and the one guy says to the other, "Who is that?" The other man says, "That's the new proctologist." He replies, "Well, I've got to meet him." The next day, he makes an appointment and goes in to see him. The doctor asks him, "What's the problem?" and he replies, "I have a terrible pain in my butt." The doctor says, "Well, let's take a look at it." So he bends over, and the doctor gets down to look in his ass, and he says, "Oh My God! There's a stick up your ass." The gay man then says, "Well, pull it out, pull it out! So he start to pull it out, and notices that it has thorns on it. "Oh my God! There are thorns on it? Well, pull it out, pull it out!" As he pulls it out, he see it's a rose. "Oh my God! It's a rose!" As the gay man exclaims, "Well, read the card, read the card!"

 

After being married for twenty years to his lover, a gay man dies. When the funeral arrangements have been set, the widower approaches the undertaker with a peculiar request, "I know we had plans to cremate his body, but will you please chop him up and put him in a extra spicy curry instead?" The undertaker asks, "Why would you want that?" The gay widower replies, "So he will blow my ass out one more time."

 

If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely gay.

 

How do you know if a police officer is gay? The smell of his mustache.

 

Why can't gays drive faster than 68mph? Because at 69 they blow a rod.

 

Did you hear about the gay guy who got kicked off the golf course? He was playing with too many strokes.

 

Why do gay men fake orgasms? Because they will be in deep shit if they don't!


What's the name of the latest gay sitcom? "Leave it, it's Beaver."

 

What's the definition of "Tender Love?" Two gays with hemorrhoids.

 

Why do Gay men pay such high car insurance? Because they are always getting creamed from behind!

How much semen does a gay guy have? A butt load.

What do gay men call hemorrhoids? Speed Bumps.

 

What did one gay sperm say to another? "How do we find an egg in all of this shit?"

 

Jokes about Sex.

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