Valentine’s Day is for people who lack the imagination to be romantic during the rest of the year.
Tips for Guys on Valentine’s Day: Tell your girl you already got something and make her guess. She’ll automatically list things she want.

This Valentine's Day, I'm sending telepathic gifts.
Because it's the thought that counts.

I have my entire Valentine's day planned with my toaster!
Okay, so first, we're going to take a bath.

Apparently it's not really the thought that counts.

"Honey, on this Valentine's Day, I want to tell you something... I'm not rich like Jack, I don't have a mansion like Russell, or I don't have a Porsche like Martin, but I do love you and want to marry you."
"Oh, dear... I love you too... but, what was that you said about Martin?"

What does Pinocchio's lover say to him? "Lie to me! Lie to me!"
How do you make five pounds of fat look good? Put a nipple on it!

A man comes home early from work and shouts, "Honey, I'm home!" No reply. So he goes upstairs and calls from the landing, "Honey, I am home," but still no reply. Frustrated, he goes into the bedroom and finds his wife on the bed, stark naked. "Oh Norman, I didn't expect you this early," she says, holding her chest and breathing heavily. He thinks she is having an heart attack and runs downstairs to ring for an ambulance. He starts dialing the emergency number when his young daughter starts pulling at his jacket. "Dad," she says. "Dad," she says again. "What is it? I'm busy," he says. "Uncle Jack is in the wardrobe with no clothes on," she tells him. He drops the phone and runs back to the bedroom. "You bastard, you f**king bastard," he shouts angrily at Norman. "You bastard! My wife is having a heart attack and you are going around scaring the kids!"

Q: What do you call two nuts on the wall?
A: Walnuts.
Q: What do you call two nuts on the chest? A: Chestnuts.
Q: What do you call two nuts on your chin?
A: A Blowjob.

My boyfriend wants to have a threesome. So I told him when cloning is legal, then he can have one.

A guy hires a hooker and brings her to his hotel. The hooker is in bed ready for action, and the guy starts undressing. The hooker begins to laugh when he drops his boxers and asks, "Who do you think your're going to please with THAT thing?" The guy responds, "Me baby, me!"

What's better than roses in your piano? Tulips in your organ!

Bob was scared of going in the shower alone so he asked his dad to go in the shower with him his dad said "yes but dont look down" when bob and his dad were in the shower bob looked down and said"whats that" his dad said "its just a snake" the next day bob asked his mum to go in the shower with him his mum said "yes but dont look up or down" in the shower bob looked up and said "what are they" his mum said "theyre headlights" so bob looked down and said "whats that" his mum said "its a bush" that night bob had a nightmare so he asked his parents if he could sleep in their bed they said "yes but dont look down" bob climbed into bed and looked down and said "mum turn the headlights on theres a snake going into a bush"

Why do walruses love a tupperware party?
They’re always on the lookout for a tight seal.

What do you call two jalapeños getting it on?
Fucking hot!

Know what a 6.9 is?
Another good thing screwed up by a period.

How does a Welsh man find a sheep in tall grass??? Quite lovely, actually.

Sex jokes #2026:

What is the true purpose of Valentine's Day?

Finding love on valentine's day
Is the equivalent to finding santa at Christmas

This Valentine's Day I expect to be inundated.

I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day and she said 'treat me like a princess!'
I'm having her killed in a traffic accident in Paris.

The second scoffs "Oh, please. These days, he just buys me a half-dozen roses, and expects me to get on my back and spread my legs."

"I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day," she said to her boyfriend. "What do you think it means?"

Valentines Day is the day that the "V" and "D" come together.

Q: What do you call a very small valentine?
A: A valen-tiny!

Valentines Slogans

You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class, Especially when I'm spanking, your big-round-fat ass.

I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny, So right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny!

Why didn’t Cupid shoot the arrow in the lawyer’s heart? Because not even Cupid can reach such a small

What did the bulb for the switch say? – You start me.

I never loved you more than I did, even in this second.

Valentines jokes

Why did he break away from his beloved cannibal? It was not to his taste!

A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer.
The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error.
Not long enough."

One night, a couple is in the bed and the husband smoothly caresses their wife's arm... the wife is turned and she tells him:
I'm sorry but I have an appointment with the gynecologist tomorrow and I want to be fresh.
The husband, rejected, turns back to his bed side and tries to sleep...
Some minutes later it turns again and it uncovers her wife again, he whispers to her:
Have you an appointment with the dentist tomorrow too?

A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better.
Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have that you’ll never have!”
The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is clearly true, and runs home crying.
A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face.
She drops her pants and says, “My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!”

One night Little Johnny was really scared sleeping by himself at camp, so he sprints out of his tent and runs to his teachers tent and asks "Miss can I please sleep with you tonight ?".
His teacher replies "NO"
Johnny moans and says "But my mummy lets me".
"OK then, just for tonight" the teacher replies.
Johnny jumps into bed with her and asks "Miss can I please play with your belly button with my finger".
She again says "NO".
"But my mummy lets me" says Johnny again.
"Well I suppose it's OK" replies the teacher.
Things are silent for a few minutes until the teacher leaps up screaming "THAT'S NOT MY BELLY BUTTON"
Little Johnny replies "It aint my finger either".

A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat.
The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.
The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop.
When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."
The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord.
"If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."
The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun.
Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.
The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity.
The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.
After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "
The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"

There were three daughters and they all wanted to get married but they couldn't afford it and neither could there parents.
So the parents said "We will give you all a joint wedding and then you will all be able to get married".
So they got married and all three daughters then said "I want a honeymoon but we cant afford it".
The parents couldn't afford it either so they deiced they would have the honeymoon at their parents house.
So on there honeymoon night their mother woke up and deiced to go downstairs and get a drink.
On the way down she heard the first daughter screaming but she juts ignored it.
When she reached the second daughters bedroom she could hear laughing and just ignored it.
When she reached the third daughters room she could hear nothing and deiced 2 ignore it.
The next morning at the breakfast table she said to the first daughter "Why were you screaming?".
And the daughter replied "Well mother you told me 2 scream when something hurt."
Then the mother said to the second daughter "Why were you laughing last night?" and the daughter replied "Mother you told me to laugh when something tickled".
Then the mother said to the last daughter "Why didn't I hear anything coming from your room last night?" and the daughter replied "Well mother you told me never to talk with my mouth full".

Sex jokes #2025: A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better. The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you.

A brunette gets a bouquet of flowers for valentines day.
The other office women are admiring the flowers as they are delivered to her.

For Valentine's Day I was woken up with an awesome BJ!
If only I could be posting this in any other forum.

In Latin America, Valentine's Day is called “The Day of Love and Friendship”
Because you want love, but she wants friendship

What kind of chocolate do you get a snake for Valentine's Day?
Hershey's Hiss

I have a tip for all you lonely ladies on valentine's day..
Or you can just take the whole thing.

Had a great Valentine's Day! Almost had a threesome!
Just needed two more people!

The husband, typically unroman...

I ordered my girlfriend flowers on Valentine's day
that didn't arrive (or were stolen from the porch), so I gave her the delivery confirmation instead.

It was an Oedipal Arrangement.

The first looks confused "Don't you have a vase you could put them i...

What did the French baker buy his wife to surprise her on Valentine's day?
BOO-lingerie

'Great!' the man replies, 'I'll take eight.'

Q: What do squirrels give for Valentine's Day?
A: Forget-me-nuts.

One night a little girl walks in on her parents having sex.
The mother is going up and down on the father and when she sees her daughter looking at them she immediately stops.
“What are you doing, Mommy?”
The mother too embarassed to tell her little girl about sex so she makes up an answer.
“Well, sweetie, sometimes daddy’s tummy gets too big so I have to jump up and down on it to flatten it out.”
The little girl replies, “Well, mommy you really shouldn’t bother with that.”
The mother has a confused look on her face, “Why do you say that sweetheart?”
The little girl replies, “Because mommy, everytime you leave in the morning, the lady next door comes over and blows it back up.”

A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town.
They were about to have sex when the girl stopped.
“I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex.”
The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver’s seat looking out the window.
“Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asked the girl.
“Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25…”

A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church.
The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."
The couple agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.
The pastor asked them, "Well, were you able to get through the two weeks without being intimate?"
"Pastor, I'm afraid we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied.
"What happened?" inquired the pastor.
"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was over come with lust and took advantage of her right there."
"You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.
"That's okay," said the young man.
"We're not welcome at the grocery store anymore either."

Practical thought:
A husband is supposed to make his wife's panties wet, not her eyes.
A wife is supposed to make her husband's dick hard, not his life...

This morning I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator.
I was staring at boobs and she said "Press One?"
So I did...
I don't remember much after that.

Sex is like math:
Add the bed
Subtract the clothes
Divide the legs and pray you dont multiply

This 12 year old boy was in bed when he heard his mother moaning.
He decided that he'd go see whats wrong with her.
When he looked in his mothers room he saw that she was laying on her bed naked and rubbing herself and saying, "I need a man, I need a man."
So this quite a few times and then one night he heard his mother again, but this time her moaning sounded different, so he went to go check it out, this time instead of seeing his mother alone, he sees his mother in bed with a man.
So the boy runs back to his room, strips all his clothes off, jumps on the bed and starts rubbing himself while saying, "I need a bike, I need a bike!!!"

Sex jokes #2024: Sex is like math:Pastor, I'm afraid we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped.

Jim asked his friend, Tony, whether he had bought his wife anything for Valentine's Day.
"Yes," came the answer from Tony who was a bit of a chauvinist, "I've bought her a belt and a bag."
"That was very kind of you," Jim added, 'I hope she appreciated the thought."
Tony smiled as he replied, "So do I, and hopefully the vacuum cleaner will work better now."

I told my mom that I have an Oedipus complex.
She asked if I was serious. I said, "Nah, I'm just f*cking with you."

"Whether you’re rich or poor or black or white, everyone laughs at a dick joke," says comedian Aaron Berg, who hosts a recurring show at The Stand in New York City. (Berg also hosted a somewhat controversial, entirely satirical show called White Guys Matter that addressed some aspects of white male inadequacy.)

Dr. Jeremy Dauber, the Atran professor of Yiddish language, literature, and culture at Columbia University and author of Jewish Comedy, traces Jewish dick jokes all the way back to the Bible. The earliest case of laughter in Jewish tradition is Sarah's laughter when she’s told that her 100-year-old husband Abraham will give her a child. It is "a laughter about male impotence," Dauber says.

Q: Why do women like to have sex with the lights off? A: They can't stand to see a man have a good time!

Q: What does a good bar and a good woman have in common? A: Liquor in the front and poker in the back!

How do you make your girlfriend cry while having sex?...Phone her!

Q: Whats worse than getting fingered by Captain Hook? A: Getting raped by jack the ripper.

Q: Why is Off the happiest man in the world? A: Cause hes always being fucked and blown (although sometimes he gets pissed).

Q: What did Boy George say to Micheal Jackson? A: "You Beat It, and I'll cumma cumma cum."

Q: How do mermaids reproduce? A: Seamen.

Doctors Office. There was a girl that came into the doctors office. Then awed by her beauty all his professionalism goes right out the window. He tells her to take her pants off , then he starts to rub her thighs, he asked her "Do you know what I am doing?" She replied "Yes your checking for abnorbilities." Then he tell her to take of her bra and shirt and he rubs her boobs and asks her "Do you know what I am doing?" She says yes checking for cancer. Then he takes off her panties and starts having sex with her . Then he asks "Do you know what i am doing?" She said "Yep getting HIV that's why I came here.

Rear Ended. I go to this job interview....my back is killing me... The employer asks "What happened?"... I said "I got rear ended" She says "that is terrible..you look ok...is the car alright?" I didn't there was a car accident!!!

ME: Between 10 & 11 p.m. I was having sex
JUDGE: Who are you? You're not even in this trial
M: I know, I just want it on record

Dating A Ghost:
Cons: no money, no warm flesh to palpate, family doesn't like him, maybe not real?
Pro: only way I can orgasm right now

A man is in a hotel lobby.
He wants to ask the clerk a question.
As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both startled and he says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."

Sex jokes #2023: I was having sex. Then he takes off her panties and starts having sex with her. How do you make your girlfriend cry while having sex.

I received a bunch of flowers for valentines day, with the heads cut off
I think I was being stalked

I bought my girlfriend vegetables on valentine's day
She thinks i'm corny

My buddy just got kicked out of his house. His wife was hinting at Valentine's day plans and asked him if he knew her favorite flower.
"Gold Medal All Purpose" apparently wasn't the answer.

Plus, I don't know a better way to tell her that I've got chlymidia.

For Valentine's Day I made a chart of past relationships....
It has an ex-axis and a why-axis.

To remind single people that they are single.

What's the difference between singles and eggs on Valentine's day?
The eggs get laid!

The clerk looks and her and says "I hate Valentines Day...what about you, you must be single right?"

Q: What is the true purpose of Valentine's Day?
A: To remind single people they are single.

Most girls are hoping for a big rock on Valentine’s Day, but what I want is something that rhymes with that.

Its valentine and was asked to go out by 5 girls
Turns out l was in the girls bathroom