Sex Pleasantry


Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know, I get a little each month, but not enough to live on.”

Two friends die. One goes to Heaven and the other goes to Hell. The one that goes to Heaven begs the angel to let him visit his friend in Hell, and the angel agrees. He gets to Hell and sees his friend surrounded by beautiful women and alcohol everywhere. He says to his friend, "Wow, you were a son of a bitch when we were alive! Hell looks better than Heaven." So the friend in Hell says, "Pour yourself a glass of wine." The heavenly friend pours the wine, and notices that the glass has no bottom. The good friend looks at the bad one in confusion, and the bad friend says, "The glass has no bottom, and neither do the girls. Welcome to Hell."

Lucifer's pleasantries

A teenage boy takes a quadriplegic girl on a date to dinner and the movies. At the end of the night out, he drives her back home and they start making out in his car. He tells the girl he feels uncomfortable doing this where her parents could come outside and catch them in the act. She says not to worry because she has a place they can go. So he helps her in her chair and she tells him to wheel her into the backyard. When they get in the back, she shows him a huge weeping willow tree that they can hide under and says he can do whatever he wants to her. Under the tree, she shows him two branches that can prop her up and he has his way with her. When they finish, he dresses himself and her, puts back into her chair, wheels her to the front door, and knocks. When her father sees the young man, he thanks him. The boy feels very uncomfortable because of what he just did to the man's daughter and asks, "Why are you thanking me?" "Because son," the father answers, "You are the first boy to take her out of the tree."

A penguin takes his car to the shop, and the mechanic says he needs an hour to check it out. So the penguin goes across the street to the 7-Eleven to kill some time and get an ice cream. Since the penguin has no hands, the poor little guy gets the ice cream all over his beak. He returns to the mechanic and the guy tells him, "Looks like you blew a seal." "Oh no," says the penguin, "this is just a little ice cream."

Roses are red
Nuts are brown
Skirts go up
Pants go down
Body to body Skin to skin
When its stiff
Stick it in
The Longer its in
The Stronger it gets
It goes in dry And comes out wet
It comes out dripping And starts to sag
Its not what you think......
Its a Teabag

Sex Pleasantry: So, how's your sex life? I'm having Social Security sex. Social Security sex?

Valentines Day Jokes - Jokes For Us

Couple laughing Romance not your thing? Try a joke. What did the light bulb say to the switch? You turn me on.

Why did the cannibal break up with his girlfriend? She didn't suit his taste! Do you have a date for valentines day? Yes, February 14th You wanna hear a joke? Valentine's Day Scientists have discovered a certain food that diminishes a woman's sex drive on Valentines Day by 90 percent.... Wedding cake. Valentines Day One Liners Valentines Day is the day that the "V" and "D" come together. I'm gonna spend Valentines day with my ex...... box 360 "Whale you be my Valentine?" "Dolphinately" Roses are red, violets are blue.

Halloween Jokes For Adults - King Halloween

“Q: Why don’t you ever have an unexpected pregnancy when dating a  vampire?
A: Because they can’t come inside without asking for permission.”

“1900: Dracula survived by drinking the blood of virgins.
2021: Dracula dies of hunger.”

Q: What should you give a pumpkin who can’t quit smoking?
A: A pumpkin Patch.

Q: Why don’t you ever have an unexpected  pregnancy when dating a vampire.
A: Because they can’t come inside without asking permission.

Are you dressed as “the most attractive person here?”

Boobs Jokes

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”


There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today, than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs, huge erections, and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Q: How did boobs got their name? A: From the top view it looks like a B, the front view looks like oo, and the side view looks like a boobs.


A couple was creating new password and the girl said myboobsandhispenis and it replied sorry not long enough.


Jack at the grocery store ask the lady to show him wear the cookies are. the lady takes him to the bathroom and takes off her shirt and bra, and show her boobs. Jack said why you did you show me that, I wanted a bag of cookies I didn't mean those cookie. Then and the lady said then why didn't you say that you wanted the first cookie meaning not the second cookie meaning. Then Jack said why did you think I wanted to see your boobs in a grocery store.


What do boobs and toys have in common? They were both originally made for kids, but daddies end up playing with them.


“A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?" The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, her breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions." "Onions?" the son asks. "Yes. You see them and they make you cry." This infuriates his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, "Mom, how many different kinds of penises are there?" The mother smiles and says, "Well, dear, a man also goes through three phases. In his 20s, his penis is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it's like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it's like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" the daughter asks. "Yes: Dead from the root up, and the balls are just for decoration."

New Year's Eve Jokes For Adults Will Also Love 2022

1. 2022 New Year Sex Joke

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together. The first one tells her friends, “My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone says, ‘Father.'”

2. 2022 New Year Sex Joke

The devil opened a third door. In it, Rush saw Tiger Woods, lying on the floor with his arms tied behind his head and his legs in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was a line of women—none his wife—servicing him from head to toe. Rush looked in disbelief and finally said, “Yeah, I can handle this.” The devil smiled and said, “OK, ladies, you’re free to go.”

Funny Christmas SEX Jokes (VIDEO)

"Better wrap that present up before you give it to me."

Of course, there are things that live in the dark corners of the internet that could land you on Santa’s naughty list for life. So, you may not want to go poking around too much. Luckily, we’ve gone ahead and rounded up some NSFW, adults-only jokes that’ll have you spit-laughing out that eggnog come the holidays. So relax, unwind, and, enjoy these funnies responsibly.

Interested in more Christmas fun? We’ve got a bunch of jolly pages, which include Christmas riddles, Nightmare Before Christmas quotes, Christmas games, and more!

Sex Scream

Two girls and a boy are playing doctors and nurses behind the shed one day. The little boy suddenly drops his pants and shows them his penis. One girl screams and runs away, the other rolls her eyes and proudly scoffs, "Pfft, that's nothing. My daddy's got two of those." "What?!" says the boy, "Two?!" "Yeah two," replies the girl, "One for going pee pee and another for cleaning the nanny's teeth."

Johnny said I think my parents were making coffee last night,why asked Timmy, because I heard my mom screaming at my dad to give her the sugar

How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex? Call and tell her about it.

How do you make your wife scream during sex? Call her and tell her about it.

Three sisters decided to get married on the same day to save their parents the expense of separate weddings.
As a further step to reduce the price tag, the three sisters resolved to spend their honeymoon night at home.
Later that night, their mother couldn’t sleep, so she went to the kitchen for a cup of tea.
On her way, she tiptoed by her oldest daughter’s bedroom and heard her screaming.
The mother thought to herself, “That’s normal, especially on her wedding night.”
She snuck by her second oldest daughter’s room and heard her laughing.
“That’s normal too,” she said, smiling to herself.
Finally, she slipped by her youngest daughter’s room where she didn’t hear a peep, but she thought nothing of it.
The next morning in the kitchen, after the husbands had gone out, the woman asked her eldest daughter about last night’s noises.
“Well Mom,” she replied, “you always said if it hurt I should scream.”
“You’re absolutely right sweetheart,
”the mother assured her, turning to her middle daughter.
“Now why were you laughing?” she asked.
“You always said if it tickled, I could laugh,” she answered.
“True enough, honey.” The mother smiled, remembering her newlywed days.
“Now it’s your turn, baby,” she said turning to her youngest daughter.
“Why was it so quiet in your room last night?”
“Mom, don’t you remember? You always told me never to talk with my mouth full.”

It's 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue.
Peggy Sue's father answers the door and invites him in.
He asks Bobby what they're planning to do on the date.
Bobby politely responds that they'll probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.
Peggy Sue's father suggests, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it."
Bobby is shocked. "Excuse me, sir?"
"Oh yes, Peggy Sue really likes to screw. She'll screw all night if we let her."
Peggy Sue comes downstairs and announces that she's ready to go.
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father, "Dad! The Twist! It's called the Twist!"

Sex scream: How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex?

Naughty Valentine’s Day poems and jokes to write in your cards

This joke may contain profanity.
A Valentine’s Day Poem
Roses are black,
Violets are black,
I can’t see shit,
Mike walked into a Post Office just before Valentine’s Day
He couldn’t help noticing a middle-aged, balding man standing in a corner sticking “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.  Then the man got out a bottle of Channel perfume from his pocket and started spraying scent over the envelopes.

This joke may contain profanity.
What did you get your girlfriend for Valentine's day?
A T-shirt and a vibrator. If she doesn't like the T-shirt she can go fuck herself!

Halloween Jokes For Adults

Adult Halloween Jokes

Q: Where should I go to learn about bones?
A: Osteoclass

Be sure to check out our Top Halloween Decoration List for 2021 to see our favorite decorations this year!

Q: Why did the ghost go to the bar?
A: To get sheet faced.

Q: What do Dracula’s girlfriend and a professional boxer have in common?
A: They both go down for The Count

Quit screwing around on the porch!!!

They are always on the doorstep there waiting for you!

Messaging a new match can seem scarier than any horror movie. How do you catch their attention? Is a simple "hey" too casual, or not casual enough? How many emoji should you add? It's enough to freak anyone out.

Dirty Halloween Jokes That Will Make Halloween Fun for Adults

Did you enjoy our collection of Halloween jokes for adults? Be sure to check out our other Funny Halloween Jokes. We also have Ghost Jokes, Pumpkin Jokes and Skeleton Jokes for Halloween humor fans.

Enjoying these jokes so far? Want something a little harder? Check out 32 Halloween Riddles for more complicated, mind-bending fun.

Q: What do skeletons call a raging fun party?
A: An osteoblast!

I got so sick of trick-or-treaters on Halloween night that I finally turned off all the lights and pretended I wasn’t home.

I’m not saying my son is ugly…
But on Halloween he went to tell the neighbors to turn down their TV and they gave him some candy.

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