My girlfriend Jokes

I’m about three years into my relationship now and I've started to have erection difficulties. My girlfriend and I have different ideas as to what the problem is: she bought me some Viagra and I bought her a treadmill.

My girlfriend thought I’d be a pushover in bed, and wouldn’t you know it, she had me pegged from the start.

My girlfriends dad asked me what I do. Apparently, "your daughter" wasn't the right answer.

My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic. I refused. If I'm going to have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord.

Today a fortune cookie told me that every exit is an entrance. Long story short, my girlfriend said no.

During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy... so I got drunk.


“A large family were going to have Thanksgiving dinner together. The two grandmas of the family were sick of people eating the pudding the night before, so they hatched a plan: They put BB-gun pellets in the pudding so they could see who ate it. The next morning, Little Johnny came down from his room and said, "Grannie, Grannie, there were BB-bun pellets in my pee pee last night." Then Little Sally came down and said, "Grandma, there were BB-gun pellets in my pee last night." Then Big Tom came down yelling, "Help! Help! I just shot my girlfriend in the mouth. She went down fine but came up with a hole going right through her tongue and out the side of her mouth!

My girlfriend says she prefers shoes to oral sex. But I'm head over heels.

A man goes into a florist and says, "I want to buy some flowers for my girlfriend".
"Certainly sir", she responds, "and what in particular are you after"?
After some thought, the man answers, "a shag".

My girlfriend has incredible sexual skills.
I almost had a heart attack when I saw the video!

My girlfriend always wanted to know the future job of her baby; so the other day when we were making sex suddenly she farted.
I told her: "Your baby will be a bugler."

I wish my girlfriend had warned me about the ceiling mirror in her bedroom.
I lay down ready for her, then ran out screaming – I’d looked up and thought I was being attacked by a naked skydiver.

My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207...

My girlfriend told me to give her 12 inches and make it hurt!
So I Fucked her 3 times and then hit her with a baseball bat.

My girlfriend always laughs during sex – no matter what she’s reading.

My girlfriend likes to pretend to be a 14 year old when we have sex.
I don't get it she will be 14 in a few years anyway.

 

My girlfriend asked me for the 7th time in a row for me to smash raw...
She must think I'm made of coat hangers.

 

In bed my girlfriend used to mentally dress me.

 

My girlfriend used to give amazing blow jobs, but lately they haven't been so great - they are starting to hurt me now since her baby teeth started growing in.

 

My girlfriend used to fake foreplay.
A man falls asleep on a beach and gets severe sunburn.
He’s rushed to hospital by his wife.

Jokes about sex.

 


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