Jokes about sex - watching porn

Want to make a porno?
We don't have to tape it.

Two old men hobble into the pub.
One says, ‘I’ve heard Guinness puts lead in your pencil. Shall we try some?’
‘All right,’ says the other.
‘But, to be honest, I’ve got nobody to write to.’

Man, to woman, ‘Do you want sex?’
 Woman, ‘Your place or mine?’
Man, ‘Well, if you’re going to argue.
Forget it.’

Ted and Julie go to bed with each other for the first time.
Julie: "I should warn you, Ted -- I've got acute angina."
Ted: "Your breasts aren't bad either."

Yo' Mama is so fat, you have to slap her thigh and ride the wave in to have sex with her.

Happy Father's Day to someome who's been completely replaced in his marriage by Fifty Shades of Grey.

Q: What's the hardest thing about a sex change from a man to a woman?
A: Inserting the anchovies

John Leslie has been accused of raping a disabled black girl on Blue Peter.
He blamed it on dyslexia & said he thought the script said, use sticky black spastic.

Q: What's the difference between jelly and jam?
A: I can't jelly my dick a baby's throat.

Q:What did the black girl say while having sex?
A:Dad get off me your crushing my ciggs.

What is special about a dead baby over all other forms of life?
You can achieve deep throat from whichever way you enter.

You work at a corner store and a hot girl walks in.
You ask for her number and she gives you a piece of paper with her phone number and address.
She tells you to take her out today.
She leaves and you tell your boss that you're going to f*uck the sh*t out of her and how you're going to rock her world.
You go to her house and your boss is in the kitchen and the girl tells him, big daddy.
You run out as fast as you can.
You go to work the next day and the girl is there waiting for you and tells you that it's over between you two.
Your boss asks you why didn't you go through with it.
You tell him you thought you would be mad and fire me if you knew I was talking about your daughter.
Your boss says I'm not her father in her Plummer.
You ask him why she called him daddy.
He says because that's my first name.

A husband and wife decide they need to spice up their sex life.
The wife buys a pair of crotchless underwear, puts them on, and goes into the bedroom.
She seductively asks her husband,
"Hey Big Boy, do ya want some of this?"
The husband takes one look at her underwear and replies,
"Hell no! Look what that thing does to underwear!"

My 1st time having sex. I suddenly stopped and didn't move.
She: "What are you doing?"
Me: "I've seen this on YouPorn, it's called Buffering.

Q: Chuck Norris invented the internet?
A: Just so he had a place to store his porn.

China lets Chuck Norris search for porn on Google.

 


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