Sex toys Jokes

A man checks into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely.
He thought, "I'll call one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab."
He popped into a phone booth near
the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo.
He copied the phone number and returned to his hotel.
When back in the room he figures, "What the heck, I'll give her a call."
"Hello," the woman says.
She sounded sexy.
"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks... We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want! Now, how does that sound?"
She says, "That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."

 

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

A guy and his date are parked out in the country away from town, when they start kissing and fondling each other. Just then, the girl stops and sits up. “What’s the matter?” asks the guy. She replies, “I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a prostitute, and I charge $100 for sex.” The man thinks about it for a few seconds, but then reluctantly gets out a $100 bill, pays her, and they have sex. After a cigarette, he just sits in the driver’s seat looking out the window. “Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asks the girl. “Well, I should have mentioned this before,” replies the man, “but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $50.

 

On hearing that her elderly grandfather has just passed away, Katie goes straight to her grandparents' house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asks how her grandfather has died, her grandmother replies, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie tells her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex will surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear. Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. It was nice, slow, and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the ding and out on the dong." She pauses, wipes away a tear and then continues, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

Sex toys jokes.

Jokes about Condoms

What did the penis say to the condom? A: Cover me im going in!


When he putting the condom on and you just waiting there like

A couple have just had sex.
The woman says, ‘If I got pregnant, what would we call the baby?’
The man takes off his condom, ties a knot in it, and flushes it down the toilet.
‘Well,’ he says.
‘If he can get out of that, we’ll call him Houdini.’

A woman walks into a chemist’s and asks if they sell extra-large condoms.
‘Yes, we do,’ says the sales assistant.
‘Would you like to buy some?’
‘No thanks,’ replies the woman.
‘But if you don’t mind, I’ll wait here for someone who does.’


A businessman was flying on a plane surrounded by hundreds of kids.
A lady went and sat down next to him.
She asked, "Are these all your kids?"
The man replied, "No, I just work at a condom factory, these are all the complaints".

Q: What did the penis say to the condom?
A: Cover me im going in!

Jokes about sex - Age

Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.

An older couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.
Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
"How do you feel about s*x?" he asked, rather tentatively.
"I would like it infrequently ", she replied. The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered, "Is that one word or two?"


Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite his 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night. Kylie Minogue, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.
After the show, Kyle said, “Sean, if I am not being too forward, I’d love to have sex with an older man. Let’s go back to my place.”

So they go back to her place and have great sex.
Afterwards, Sean says, “If you think that was good, let me sleep for half an hour, and we can have even better sex. But while I’m sleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and my dick in your right hand.”
Kylie looks a bit perplexed, but says, “Okay”.  
He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex.
Then Sean says, “Kylie, that was wonderful. But if you let me sleep for an hour, we can have the best sex yet. But again, hold my balls in your left hand, and my Dick in your right hand.”
Kylie is now used to the routine and complies.
The results are mind blowing.

Vibrator Jokes

What did the banana say to the vibrator? What are you laughing for? She's not going to eat you.

 

Maria went home happy, telling her mother about how she earned $20 by climbing a tree. Her mom responded, "Maria, they just wanted to see your panties!" Maria replied, "See Mom, I was smart, I took them off!"

 

A guy and his wife are sitting and watching a boxing match on television. The husband sighs and complains, “This is disappointing. It only lasted for 30 seconds!” “Good,” replied his wife. “Now you know how I always feel.”

 

Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
A: Because like all men, they won't stop to ask directions.

 

What did the banana say to the vibrator?
Why are you shaking? She’s gonna eat me!

 

A man came up with a new invention, a vibrating tampon. That way a woman can be at her best when she is at her worst.

 

An old woman goes in to a sex shop, shaking.
"Sir," she says in a shaky voice, "do you sell vibrators?"
"Yes, ma'am."
"And are they this big around and this long?" she asks in a shaky voice.
"Yes, ma'am."
"And they're $22.95?" she asks in a shaky voice.
"Yes, ma'am."
"How do you turn them off?"

 

Why do women need guys?
Vibrators don’t usually pay for drinks.

 

A man came up with a new invention, a vibrating tampon.
That way a woman can be at her best when she is at her worst.

Jokes about vibrators

Jokes about sex #2021

Q: What does the receptionist at the sperm clinic say when clients are leaving?
A: “Thanks for coming!”

Q: What is 6.9?
A: A really great thing ruined by a period.

What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?
A genealogist looks up the family tree, a gynecologist looks up the family bush.

An old woman walked into a dentist's office, took off all her clothes and spread her legs. The dentist said, ''I think you have the wrong room.''
''You put in my husband's teeth last week," she replied. "Now you have to remove them."

What’s long and hard and full of semen?
A submarine.

A man walks into a bar. Upon sitting down a busty blond waitress pours him a drink and asks if he would like some food. He looks up at the menu above the bar it says:
    Hot dog – $2
    Cheeseburger – $5
    Hand job – $10
He asks the waitress, “Miss are you the one who gives the hand jobs?” She winks and replies, “why yes I am.” He says, “Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger.”

On this particular day, the teacher wanted to ask her class “Which part of the body went to heaven first?”
One little girl raised her hand and said, “I think your mind goes to heaven first because you have to have a mind in order to believe in God. The teacher praises the little girl.
Then a little boy raises his hand and says, “I think your heart goes to heaven first because God is all about love. “Very good,” said the teacher.
The teacher looked up and saw Little Johnny’s hand up. “Oh no”, she thought, “I’m not gonna like this. Little Johnny, which part of the body do you think goes to heaven first?”
Little Johnny thinks for a minute and says, “Your feet.” The teacher asked him why he thought your feet go to heaven first. He replied, “Well, I was walking past my parents’ bedroom last night and my mom had her feet up in the air and she said, “Oh god, I’m coming!”

What are the three shortest words in the English language? Is it in?

Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg? Because they won't stop to ask directions.

Men approve of premarital sex until daughters are born.

Masturbation always leads to sex. It's a gateway tug.

What's the difference between a paycheck and a penis? You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck.

Don't judge women by kilos, and you won't be judged by centimeters.

Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.

What's the difference between a tire and 365 used rubbers? One is a Goodyear and the other is a great year.

Why do men like masturbation? It's sex with someone they love.

Your blow up date saw you naked, and self deflated.

Do you raise chickens? Because you raise my cock.

Any skirt looks good on the back of the chair.

Now I know why they call it a beaver, because I'm dying for your wood.

I sent an angel to watch over you last night but he came back saying he can't watch porn...

If you're slutty enough, every day can be Halloween.

Sex jokes #2021: It's sex with someone they love. Men approve of premarital sex until daughters are born. Masturbation always leads to sex.

Ass jokes

A man and woman had been married for 30 years, and in those 30 years, they always left the lights off when having sex. He was embarrassed and scared that he couldn't please her, so he always used a big dildo on her. All these years she had no clue. One day, she decided to reach over and flip the light switch on and saw that he was using a dildo. She said "I knew it, asshole, explain the dildo!" He said, "Explain the kids!"

 

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke. "Well sister, this looks pretty grim." "I know, father." "In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two." "I agree." "Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?" "Anything father." "I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours." "Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm." The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty. "Sister would you mind if I touched them?" She consented and he fondled them for several minutes. "Father, could I ask something of you?" "Yes sister?" "I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?" "I supposed that would be OK," the priest replied lifting his robe. "Oh father, may I touch it?" This time the priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection. "Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life." "Is that true father?" "Yes it is, sister." "Then why don't you stick it up that camel's ass and lets get the hell out of here."

 

A wife and husband are having money issues. One day they decide to have the wife work the corner. Later that night the husband goes to pick the wife up. He asks, "How much did you make, sweetie?" She answers, "I made $200.50." The husband says, "What asshole gave you 50 cents?" She replies, "All of them."

Jokes about sex.

 

Jokes about sex positions

What is a snowman's favorite sex position? Sled doggy-style.

The guy leaves, but on the way home decides that this doctor is full of shit.
He then has an idea.
Once home, he finds a mason jar and deposits a small urine sample into it.
He then gets his wife, daughter, and dog to also make a contribution.
Not satisfied with this he scrapes some oil off the garage floor under where his car is parked and drops that into the mix, and for the icing on the cake he chokes his chicken long enough to get the desired results, drops that into the jar, seals the lid, and then gives the concoction a good shake.
“There ya go, doc. Stick that up your computer!”

In the Sex Ed class the teacher says, "All right, class, I want you to go home and come back tomorrow with as many positions as you can think of for making sex."
The next day she says to Little Johnny in the back, "Well, John, how many positions did you come up with?"
Johnny says, "Seventy-three."
The teacher says, "Oh, my goodness...uh...very good, John, very good..."
She calls on Becky in the front and says, "All right, Becky, how about you?"
Becky says, "Gee, teacher, I only came up with one...where the guy just lays on top of the girl."
Johnny yells, "Seventy-four."

Q: What do Democrats and porn stars have in common?
A: They are experts in switching positions in front of a camera.

Husband: "Shall we try a different position tonight?"
Wife: "That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart."

Jokes about oral sex

I love oral sex... it's the phone bill I hate.

Before sex, you help each other get naked.
After sex, you dress only yourself.
Moral: In life no one helps you once you're fucked.

While doing a vasectomy, the doctor slipped and cut off one of the man’s balls.
To avoid a huge malpractice suit, he decided to replace the missing testicle with a pickled onion.
Several weeks later, the patient returned for a checkup. “How’s your sex life?” asked the doctor.
“Pretty good,” the man said, to the doctor’s obvious relief.
But then the patient added, “I’ve had some strange side effects that are causing serious problems.”
“What’s that?” the doctor asked anxiously.
“Well, every time I urinate, my eyes water.”
“Hmm,” said the doctor, thoughtfully.
“That’s not all,” continued the patient. “When my wife does me orally, she gets heartburn.”
“Hmm,” said the doctor, as his face reddened.
“It gets worse, Doc. Now, every time I pass a hamburger stand….I get an erection!”

Q: What is the difference between oral and anal sex?
A: Oral sex makes your day and Anal sex makes your whole weak.

69 Jokes

A man was having premature ejaculation problems so he went to the doctor. The doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself." That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol and ran home to his wife. That night the two were having sex and found themselves in the 69 position. The man felt the urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol. The next day he went back to the doctor who asked how it went. The man answered, "Not well. When I fired the pistol, my wife pooped on my face, bit three inches off my penis, and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air."

Q: What comes after 69? A: Mouthwash.

 

A man hires a hooker and they go back to his house. The man says I have never had a 69 before. The hooker says okay lets try that. they get into position and she farts. the hooker says o i'm sorry, i don't know whats gotten into me. she goes into the bathroom to freshen up. she comes out and gets into position and again she farts. she says sorry i don/t know whats gotten into me.let me go freshen up . she gets into position again and she farts she says sorry let me go freshen up. The man says don't worry i don't want 67 more of those

 

I used to work at a company called 69, my friend took over my position.

 

What's the speed limit of sex? 68; at 69 you have to turn around.

 

Whats 72? A: 69 with three people watching.

 

I asked my Grandma if she ever tried 69.
And she said, "No, but I have done 53 that's all the sailors I could screw in one night."

 

Girl: I get horny everytime I hear something sexual, it's weird I know, but anyway, what's your name?
Me: Sir BJ Anal The 69th.

 

Q: What's the speed limit of sex?
A: 68. Because at 69 you have to turn around!

 

Q: Did you hear about the couple that "96ed?"
A: After they "69ed" they rolled over and sh*t in each other's hair.

 

Q: Do you know what 69 is?
A: It's a good thing screwed up by a period.

Jokes about sex.

 

Nine months Jokes

A guy and girl had sex poem competition.
Guy: "Two times two is four, four plus five is nine. I can put mine in yours, but you can't put yours in mine."
Girl: "Two times two is four, four plus five is nine. I know the length of yours, but you won't know the depth of mine."

 

Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.

Q: What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate?
A: Miracle Whip.

 

A Chinese man came home after a late night of drinking, and crawls in bed next to his sleeping wife.
After lying awake for a few minutes, he wakes up his wife and says "Hey honey, wanna do a sixty-nine?"
"Well, you've got a lot of nerve! First you come home late, you're drunk, and now you expect me to go to the kitchin and fix you Mongolian beef with snow-peas!"

 

 

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