Not sure if this is funny but:
When I come downstairs with a Lego model I've built, and my dad sniggers a little, I sometimes say "face it, dad, this is the closest thing to children you'll be getting from me!"

Following is our collection of funniest Asexual jokes. There are some asexual lesbian jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these asexual homosexual puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

I was just wondering, there are plenty of jokes about sexual...things, so are there any jokes about or regarding asexuals, or asexuality? Such as
      Quote
    My computer is asexual, it has no sex drive.

Lets see if I can type a joke.
Guy 1: Nice bicycle man. Is it new? Where'd you get it?
Guy 2: Dude, the weirdest thing. I was just walking down the street and this very attractive woman on a bike stopped in front of me, dropped the bike, stripped naked and said: "Take whatever you want big boy"
Guy 1: Good call. The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway.
...I don't like typing out jokes. It messes with the delivery :( And I can't do voices and impressions and such. Fail.

Life is like a penis: women make it hard for no reason.

Jape mysteriously appeared in the English language during the 14th century and was adopted by literary folks, such as Geoffrey Chaucer, as a word meaning both "to trick" and "to jeer." It was also used, however, with the meanings "to seduce (someone)" or "to have sexual intercourse." This ambiguity forced writers to think twice about using "jape" in fear of misinterpretation. Ultimately, the word was avoided by respectable writers, and by the end of the 16th century it had fallen into disuse. But this four-letter word was not completely forgotten. It got its second chance when 19th-century writers began using its "jeer" meaning again - leaving its carnal meaning in oblivion.

There’s an elderly couple who has reached that point in life, where sex isn’t part of the itinerary anymore. One night, the wife turns to her husband and says, “Everytime one of us wants to have a bit of a slap and tickle, we just have to say, "Washing machine.’” A night passes, and the husband leans over and whispers, “Washing machine.” The wife gives him a shove and informs him that she has a headache. A few nights go by and the same thing happens, but the husband is determined and he reckons he’ll just give it one more try. He leans over and whispers seductively, “Washing machine.” Yet again, the wife turns him away. However, a few moments pass and the wife’s needs arises so she rolls over and recites the word, but the husband turns over and says, “Sorry love, it was only a small wash so I did it by hand.”

Q: Why can't blondes tie shoes?
A: They just can't grasp the concept that the long thing goes around the hole, not into it.

By the standards of today's no-holds-barred satire, Will Rogers' homespun japes about politicians seem awfully gentle.

Q: What did the hurricane say to the palm tree?
A: "Better hold onto your nuts because this is no ordinary blowjob."

A statue of a naked woman and a naked man stand in a park at night. Suddenly from out of nowhere, a magical genie arrives and grants the statues each one wish to be fulfilled. Both the female and male statues agree on 15 minutes as a real man and woman in the bushes behind them to "get things done." The genie gives a knowing grin and grants the wish. The man and woman immediately jump behind the bushes and screaming sounds and laughter can be heard from their activities. 12 minutes later they return to the front of the bush again claiming they are finished. "Well now, that was kinda quick!" the genie says. "You can do it a second time for the remaining 3 minutes if you want," the genie tells them, winking his eye. Both the female and male look at each other and smile. The man says to the woman, "Okay great, but this time you get to hold the pigeon so I can shit on him!"

Sex jape: It was also used, however, with the meanings "to seduce (someone)" or "to have sexual intercourse. There’s an elderly couple who has reached that point in life, where sex isn’t part of the itinerary anymore.

Unlike Ahab however, revenge was not his only motive. This particular whale also possessed two commodities of mythical, almost mystical qualities.

That was not the reaction he was hoping for.

If the Minister decides to adapt a no-pay-no-pill policy, Beckett's worst fears about the mythical impotency drug Bando, expressed in the novel IT]Watt, will resonate uncomfortably, linking past with present with a continuity no one can welcome.

So there is the potential that at least for men, oysters may help sexual arousal. Perhaps when eaten in the quantities claimed by Casanova – up to five dozen a day – there would be a noticeable effect.
More aphrodisiacs.

The aromas of ginger, cayenne pepper and garlic are also known to stimulate the arousal centres in the brain, and garlic's anti-clotting properties might also affect libido by increasing blood flow to the brain and sex organs, Hourigan says.

And it's not just a question of how the command to "Brace yourself, Bridget" progressed to the perhaps more sophisticated invitation "Will you come into the field, Bridie?" posed in William Trevor's The Ballroom of Romance.

The stated reasons for the no-cash-no-pill policy are financial. But the effect is to remind many impotent men that on the measures which seem to most reflect a man's sense of identity - sexual prowess and economic value - they are doubly so.

Some time later the Doctor called to check on their progress and their son answered the phone. When asked how everyone was doing, the boy replied, "Mom's dead, Sis is pregnant, my ass hurts, and Dad's outside yelling 'Here, kitty, kitty!'"

Hourigan says oysters are extremely high in zinc, which is important in raising testosterone levels in men (although it's unlikely any testosterone-raising effect would be immediate).

Ambergris
If you’ve ever seen the “Ambergris” episode of Bob’s Burgers, you know that it is a truly strange substance. Secreted by a sperm whale, it is used both as a food and as an ingredient in some luxury perfumes. Casanova apparently used ambergris-infused perfume to make the ladies swoon, and it has a history in the Middle East of being consumed to increase a man’s virility. One royal family in that region reportedly combines ambergris with milk and honey to create the passion-inducing dish. It is banned in the United States because of the endangered status of the sperm whale, but other countries still buy and sell it. Depending on the size of the ambergris, it can be worth tens of thousands of dollars.

Upon seeing his enemy descend upon him, the Irishman looked heavenward and repeated the object of his quest in his thick accent: "Whale oil. Beef, hooked."

And she says to him,
"I've just walked by the dolphin tank,
And they're feeling very amorous -
They're doing all sort of things to each other.
And the trouble is in less than an hour,
We've got three busloads of second gr...

An Irish Whaler (Long)
There was once an Irish whaler. Like Ahab, he had a particular nemesis whom he had hunted most of his life. Old and gnarled, he declared one more quest to vanquish his foe before descending into his Mother Earth.