Q: What is the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus?
A: Santa stops after three hos.
Four nuns are in line to go into heaven. God asks the first nun if she has ever sinned. She says, "Well, I've seen a penis." So God puts holy water on her eyes and lets her enter. He asks the second nun the same thing and she says, "I've held a penis," so he puts holy water on her hands and lets her enter. Then the fourth nun skips the third nun in line and God asks why she did that. The 4th nun replies, "Well, I need to gargle it before she sits in it."
Q: Why do bunnies have soft sex?
A: They have cotton balls.
Traveling through the country, an old couple drives into a gas station. The attendant asks the old man, "Where you folks from? I know everybody in this town." The old man says, "We're from Nebraska." Hard of hearing, the old lady nudges her husband, "What did he say, papa?" The old man answers her, "He asked us where we are from." "Oh," replies the old woman. The old man tells the attendant to fill up the tank and check the tires. When that's all done, the attendant tells the old man, "You know, the worst piece of ass I ever had was from Nebraska." The old lady nudges her husband once more and asks, "What did he say, papa?" The husband replies, "He thinks he knows you, mama."
One day little Johnny walked out of his bedroom with his suitcase packed. His dad asked him where he was going and Johnny replied, "Last night I heard you say that you were pulling out and mommy said she was coming too. I didn't want to be left behind!"
A 96-year old man is pleading with the doctor for a lower sex drive. "Surely you're imagining things," says the doctor. "You're 96 years old. Isn't all the feeling for sex just in your head?" "Yes," replies the elderly man, "that's why I want you to lower my sex drive to the place where it might do more good."
What do you call a herd of cows masturbating?
Beef strokin’ off.
If blackbirds make baby blackbirds and bluebirds make baby bluebirds, what kind of bird makes no baby bird? Swallows.
She said if I bought her cute underwear I could see her wearing it. I told her: “If I buy you nothing, can I see you wearing that.”
How does a woman scare a gynecologist? By becoming a ventriloquist.
What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say? Beat it. We're closed.
A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.
The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I'd like to masturbate in the cup. I said, "Well, I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet."
Women think about sex every 7 seconds. Just not with you.
Sex operator: "Mmmm tell me what you're wearing."
Eskimo: "Everything I own basically."
Jokes about sex: Why do bunnies have soft sex? Women think about sex every 7 seconds. You're 96 years old. Isn't all the feeling for sex just in your head?