Q: Why do women have two holes so close together?
A: In case you miss.
"I just had sexed in school today, dad! You lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my 16th biurthday, my boyfriend will die."
"Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will."
What happened when the chef got his hand caught in the dishwasher?
They both got fired.
Q: What did I do in the bed last night.
A: Your mom.
So this blonde woman walks into a shop and asks the owner
"Have you got a phone I can borrow as I have a bit of money and I want to call my mom."
The owner says "yes" and takes her to the back of the room as he realized she was a blonde so he wanted a blowjob.
So they go in the back of the room and the guy took his pants off and took out his penis.
So the woman gave him the money and she put her mouth on his penis and shouted: "HEY MOM ARE YOU IN THERE!"
Did you hear about the new contraceptive pill for men?
You put it in your shoe and it makes you limp.
Q: What's the best part about sex with 28-year-olds?
A: There are twenty of them.
Chuck Norris can't have children, because his dick wouldn't fit.
Yo mama is so stupid, she did her dad last night.
My sex life isn’t dead, but the buzzards are circling.
My wife is so kinky, when she was born, the doctor slapped her bottom to make her cry, and she said "Don't forget to pull my hair" I accidentally swallowed some WhiteOut last night.
Woke up with a massive correction.
‘Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats, then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.’
Man cannot live on bread alone – he needs a bit of crumpet too.
Men are like vacations – they never seem to be long enough.
They say sex is a killer...
Do you want to die happy?
A man goes to the doctor and says "I need birth control for my 10 year old daughter"
The doctor replies "She's 10 years old and sexually active?"
The man says" Active? Hell no! Most of the time se just lies there and cries."
Good: Your daughter has got a new job.
Bad: As a call girl. Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients.
Very ugly: She makes more money than you.
I went into the bar the other day & the bartender said:
I said: "Suprise me."
He did, He showed me a naked picture of my wife.
I said: "Hey, who said you could mess around with my wife?"
"Everyone did" he replied..."
What two things in the air can make a woman pregnant?
There are a hundred holes in the body of a woman; one of them would be filled with a penis and 99 others could be filled with money.
Q. Why don't little girls fart?
A. Because they don't get assholes until they're married.