Scream - Bang

Scream - Bang

My wife and I were woken up at 3am by loud banging on our door. I got up, opened the door and there was a drunken stranger standing in the pouring rain, asking for a push. "Are you insane man?!!? It's 3 in the morning!!" I screamed, slamming the door and stormed back to bed...
"Who was that?" asked my wife.
"Just some drunk asking for a push." I grumbled.
"Did you help him?" she asked.
"No, I did NOT! It's 3am and it's pouring rain!"
"Well, you've a short memory." she said. "Don't you remember three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? You should be ashamed of yourself! Now get out there and help him!"
She had a point, and angrily, I got dressed and went out into the darkness, calling out, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes."
"Do you still need a push?"
"Yes please."
"Where are you?"
"Over here...on the swing."

A man is walking home alone late one foggy night, when behind him he hears:
Bump…
Bump…
Bump…
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.
Bump…
Bump…
BUMP…
Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home. The casket still bouncing quickly behind him.
Faster…
Faster…
FASTER…
Bump…
Bump…
BUMP…
He runs up to his door, fumbles with the keys, opens the door, rushes in and slams and locks the door behind him.
Rushing up the stairs to his bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding. His head is reeling. His breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is cough syrup!
Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket!
And…
The coffin stops....

Jim Bob Trains A Parrot
Jim Bob is walking to work and passes a pet store. There is a new parrot on a perch outside of a pet store.
“Squawk! Hello handsome!” Said the bird to Jim Bob.
Jim Bob smiles and goes inside to buy the bird.
“$1000 dollars” said the owner. Jim Bob doesn’t have the money but the owner sees how much Jim Bob loves the bird.
“Tell you what. Come by and see the bird whenever you like as long as he’s here.” Jim Bob happily left with a spring in his step.
“Tomorrow pretty bird” said Jim Bob.
“Squawk, hello handsome!” Repeated the bird.
Jim Bob began visiting the bird daily. One day it occurred to him to reach the bird a new phrase. Jim Bob began to bring a picture of his wife and would say.” Fat Pig” then offer the parrot a treat. Soon the parrot would scream “FAT PIG!” at the site of the picture.
One day Jim Bob’s wife was walking to the store and the bird saw her; recognizing her from the picture began to call out “Squawk! Fat Pig!” Jim Bob’s wife, having no knowledge of Jim Bob’s work with the bird, went into the pet store to complain. As she left the bird yelled again “FAT PIG!”
As Jim Bob’s wife walked home she became angrier and angrier. She vowed to return the next day and confront the parrot. The next day as she approached she could hear the parrot squawking at the top of it’s lungs. “FAT PIG, SQUAWK, FAT PIG!!!”
Blinded by her anger Jim Bob’s wife began to savagely beat the bird. Crashes, bangs, and cries of FAT PIG rant out throughout the street. Hearing the commotion the pet shop owner rushed out to find the parrot nearly plucked clean and cowering in fear.
“Ma’am! It is but a bird! It doesn’t know what it’s doing!” Cried the pet shop owner.
“Well teach it another phrase or I’ll kill it next time.” Said Jim Bob’s wife.
The pet shop owner gathered the bird and took it into the store to tend it’s wounds. For several days the bird was unseen by Jim Bob or his wife. Until one day Jim Bob was out walking with his wife. The bird saw the couple and immediately began to stir.
“Squeak! Hello Handsome!” Yelled the bird.
Jim Bob’s wife narrowed her eyes and clenched her fist in anger. As she approached the bird she glared menacingly. The bird glared back and began to take a deep breath. By now Jim Bob’s wife was nearly nose to beak with the bird and prepared to do battle with the bird.
“SQUAWKKKK!!!!!” Bellowed the parrot as he locked eyes with Jim Bob’s wife, cleared it’s throat and without looking away whispered...”you know”.


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