Scream - Bang

Scream - Bang

My wife and I were woken up at 3am by loud banging on our door. I got up, opened the door and there was a drunken stranger standing in the pouring rain, asking for a push. "Are you insane man?!!? It's 3 in the morning!!" I screamed, slamming the door and stormed back to bed...
"Who was that?" asked my wife.
"Just some drunk asking for a push." I grumbled.
"Did you help him?" she asked.
"No, I did NOT! It's 3am and it's pouring rain!"
"Well, you've a short memory." she said. "Don't you remember three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? You should be ashamed of yourself! Now get out there and help him!"
She had a point, and angrily, I got dressed and went out into the darkness, calling out, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes."
"Do you still need a push?"
"Yes please."
"Where are you?"
"Over here...on the swing."

Jest - Bang

Jest - Bang

It is early January of 1793. The commotion outside of the Castle of Versailles is growing louder by the minute. Louis XVI, however, is not bothered, as he is getting his new suit matched, pleated and frilled in his chambers by his favorite tailor.
"Ah yes, Poilon, superb work with the gold thread on my boot leather as per usual. And now: the silk pants with Morocco pearls."
"Y-your Majesty... I think they're breaking down the front wall."
"Nonsense! Clothe me or I shall have you beheaded!"
"Absolutely, your majesty! There we go!"
"Splendid! Fetch the doe skin gloves. I want them creased and covered in emeralds."
A loud bang was heard, followed by an ominous roar. Poilon shuddered.
"They're here, your Grace - the horde."
"Don't be preposterous, you simpleton! Get. The. Doe. Skin. Gloves!!"
"B-but your excellence..."
"Get the gloves or get my sword!! Either my knuckles roll in sunlight or your head in the gutter!!"
"Yes your Hi-"
But before Poilon finished his sentence, the door flew off its hinges and the starved, enraged People's Militia flooded the chamber. They stopped in their tracks, gaping at the lavish wastefulness of the king's suit.
"Blasphemy!" a peasant called out. "That outfit alone could feed a village for two years!" He turned to Poilon. "Have you designed this atrocity, this Robe of Famine!?"
Poilon, frantically torn between death threats - obeying his King and answering to the Militia, simply opted to pleat the fist.

Trick - Bang

Trick - Bang

Back Alley Memories
I was reminded me of an old joke from another Reddit post:
A very elderly couple is seated at a table in a bar. The woman looks over to the man, holding his hand and says, "Do you remember meeting me for the first time right here 50 years ago?"
The husband replies, "Yes dear."
The wife says, "Do you remember what we did afterwards?"
The husband enthusiastically says, "How could I forget! It was magical!"
The wife looks at her husband lovingly, "You want to do it again? Let's go to the back alley like we did all those years ago"
The husband hails the waiter, pays the bill, and they slowly pack their things. A police officer, overhearing their conversation thinks to himself, "The back alley? That can't be safe! I've gotta make sure they're okay back there." The officer secretly follows the couple out and stands on the corner peaking around it to make sure they aren't in any danger.
The old woman raises her dress and takes off her panties bending over to the fence to lean on, the old man slowly drops his trousers. He carefully grabs her by the hips and she leans forward and then suddenly...
BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM! They're banging like two jackhammers colliding! It's like watching a shark frenzy with two sharks hungrily thrashing against one another! The Officer looks on incredulous! This goes on for several minutes and the couple falls over panting in a steamy pile of exhaustion. The officer leaps out from around the corner, "Holy hell! You guys are AMAZING How on earth do you stay so fit for something like that?!"
The old man weakly looks over to him and says, "50 years ago, this fence wasn't electric!"

Joss - Bang

Joss - Bang

A man is jogging through the woods.
He comes up on a clearing where he sees a figure and as he gets closer, he realizes it is a seriously ugly witch. On her right shoulder sits an equally ugly crow.
When he is about to run past her, the witch immediately addresses him: “If you can correctly name the animal on my shoulder, you can bang me!”
Not exactly enthusiastic about the prospect of having to bang an ugly witch, the man thinks for a few minutes to find the most unlikely answer he can think of, then exclaims: “Octopus.”
The witch smiles and says: “OK, I will just barely allow that as a correct answer…”

Fun - Bang

Fun - Bang

When I was bar tending I would tell people this was the worst joke they’ll ever hear that will still make them laugh. I always just called it. “Grandma”
A boy comes home from school one day skipping football practice cuz he isn’t feeling well.
When he gets home he grabs a snack and sits down to watch some TV.
During the show he hears some noises coming from his parents room.
His parents not being home at that time normally he walks down the hall to see what’s going on.
He Opens the door. Only to find his dad, banging his mom. Got her bent over the dresser.
The Boy gasps and the father turns around and yells. “Get out of here son!!!”
Traumatized the boy leaves the room and the mother and father struggle to put their clothes on chuckling nervously.
Later that night. The father is watching the game. Having a few beers. And he hears some loud Ruckus coming from down by his sons room.
So, he walks down the hallway, opens the door to his sons room.....
Only to find his boy banging his Grandma, got her bent over the dresser.
The dad gasps!!!!
The son turns around and says. “It’s not so funny when it’s your mom!!!”

Jokes - Bang

Jokes - Bang

orphan jokes are like families, not everyone gets em. ( also I banged ya mum ;) )

The Big Bang Theory: 10 Best Science Jokes Everyone Will Understand.

Though The Big Bang Theory could make science jokes that went over many people's heads, there are plenty that we can all appreciate.

10 Comedy Movies To Watch If You Loved The Big Bang Theory.
Heck, half the time Sheldon is being snarky about the fact that Howard is ‘only’ a brilliant engineer. As expected, then, a lot of the show’s jokes fall into the ‘they’re using absurd jargon for laughs’ category. Even so, though, some of the show’s science-centric humor does make perfect sense for viewers without MENSA memberships. Here are some of the funniest examples.

Jocularity - Asexual

Jocularity - Asexual

I'm just looking for A person to be sexual with.

Zombies are categorically asexual.

Humor - Asexual

Humor - Asexual

so it would do itself.
Did you hear about the broken, asexual light bulb?

You call them bi their name.
What do you call an asexual gravedigger?

Ana - Asexual

Ana - Asexual

I told him, it was "A-Okay."
An asexual lawyer

You can't. They ain't fuckin' anywhere.

Anecdotes - Asexual

Anecdotes - Asexual

an ace attorney
I just found I'm asexual...

as they are more interested in taking head than giving head.
What do you call someone exclusively attracted to college professors?

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