Two men visit a prostitute. The first man goes into the bedroom. He comes out ten minutes later and says, "Heck. My wife is better than that." The second man goes in. He comes out ten minutes later and says, "You know? Your wife IS better."
Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know, I get a little each month, but not enough to live on.”
Why do woman have two sets of lips? One set to tell you off with, and the other to make you forget you're mad!
If you were born in September, it's pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a bang.
A man walks into a pub and asks for 12 shots of vodka. The barman says, "Wow, 12. Are you celebrating?" The man replies, "I've just experienced my first blow job." The barman says, "That's brilliant. Let me get you another one on the house." The man replies, "No, that's okay. If the twelfth one doesn't get the taste out of my mouth nothing will."
Q: How do you turn a cat into a fish?
A: Tell the woman not to wash down there.
I'm so hot, when I took of my clothes in the bathroom, the shower got turned on.
While on a date a women goes to the bathroom
Man: Uh... wrong way that's the men's room
Woman: Oh my GOD! this is so embarrassing!
Man: It's not a big deal.
Woman: I guess not, but you know what they say, old habits die hard.
What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
How is life like a penis?
Your girlfriend makes it hard.
Two nuns are riding bikes along a cobbled road. One turns to the other and says, “I’ve never come this way before”. The other replies, “Neither have I. It must be the cobbles”.
Four nuns die and arrive at the pearly gates. Saint Peter is there and asks the first nun if she had ever touched a penis.
“Yes,” she admits. “I once touched a penis with the tip of my finger.”
“Dip your finger into the holy water and enter the kingdom of Heaven,” says Saint Peter. The nun dips her finger in the holy water and enters heaven.
Saint Peter asks the same question of the second nun.
“Yes,” she admits. “I once touched a penis with one hand.”
“Dip your hand into the holy water and enter the kingdom of Heaven,” says Saint Peter. The second nun complies and enters heaven.
At this point, the fourth nun abruptly cuts in line.
“Hang on!” she says, pointing at the third nun. “You’d better let me go next, because there’s no way I’m gargling that shit after she sticks her ass in it!”
Mom finds a large number of BDSM magazines beneath her sons bed. Calls her husband up to the room to show him and discuss. “What do you think we should do?” she asks. Father frowns and responds “Well I guess spanking him is out of the question”
Sex Jocundity: Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex.