A guy decides to do something nice for his girlfriend before they leave on vacation so he gets her name tattooed on his penis. He comes home and shows it to her. She looks at it and says, "That's great, sweetie, but what is 'Wy'?" He tells her to rub it and as she does she sees it actually reads "Wendy." When they arrive at Montego Bay, the couple are walking along a nude beach and the boyfriend notices a black guy with "Wy" on his penis. He asks the man if he also has a girlfriend named Wendy. The black guy laughs and says, "Nah, mon, mine says 'Welcome to Jamaica have a nice day.'"

A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair. Her mom calmly said, "That part where the hair has grown is called your monkey. Be proud that your monkey has grown hair." The girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister, "My monkey has grown hair." Her sister smiled and said, "That’s nothing; mine is already eating bananas."

There is a fellow who is talking to his buddy and says, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. I'm stumped." His buddy says, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" The first fellow does just that. The next day, his buddy asks, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?" "She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours!'"

Scientists have proven that there are two things in the air that have been known to cause women to get pregnant: their legs.

Mickey Mouse is in the middle of a nasty divorce from Minnie Mouse. Mickey spoke to the judge about the separation. "I'm sorry Mickey, but I can't legally separate you two on the grounds that Minnie is mentally insane," said the judge. Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was mentally insane, I said that she's f*cking Goofy!"

Mother: "Sweetie, make a Christmas wish."
Girl: "I wish that Santa will send some clothes to those naked girls in papa's computer."

A little boy with diarrhea tells his mom that he needs Viagra. The mom asks, "Why on Earth do you need that?!" The little boy says, "Isn't that what you give daddy when his sh*t doesn't get hard?"

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a postcard, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey," she said, "you received a very strange postcard today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said. The wife handed the card over and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."

That joke about sex: Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" The first fellow does just that.

A man asks his buddy: "Listen to me! Why has your wife left you, if I may ask?"
And he says, "you know, she has told me that I am weak in the bed."
"Oh, that is really sad. And what do you do to improve it?"
And he says again: "you know, I have bought one book, the name of this book is Kamasutra, you know I am helping myself with the hand, I have learned all positions, but the last position I am not gonna make."
"And what is the name of this position?"
"You know, imagine the missionary position."

Which is the most confusing day in America?
Father's day!
80% don't know whom to wish.
Rest 20% are scared someone will come and wish them.


What is that insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?
The man.

Q: How does an English man know that his wife has died?
A: Sex is still the same but the dishes are stacked in the sink.


Two Rabbits are running from a group of foxes.
They hide in a pile of hay, one rabbit says to the other one "Ok we can run for it or we can stay here and out number them."
And the other rabbit says, "We're going to run for it you idiot I'm your brother."

We're like hot chocolate and marshmallows...
You're hot and I wanna be on top of you.


Chuck Norris always has s*x on the bottom.
Because he never f*cks up.


Wanna go on an 'ate' with me? I'll give you the 'D' later.


She’s got her very own method of birth control.
She takes her make-up off.


Yo mama so fat, when your dad tried eating your mom's pussy his head stuck in.

Girl: "Do you believe in puppy love?"
Boy: "I tried it once, but their assholes are too small."


Q: What's the difference between acne and a Roman Catholic Priest from the Vatican?
A: Acne would wait until you're at least 13 before it would cum on your face!


What’s the difference between a bar and a g-spot?
Most men have no trouble finding a bar.

Your legs are like an Oreo Cookie - I wanna split them and eat all the good stuff in the middle.

I think you’ll find that any of my lady companions will tell you I’m a ‘five times a night man’.
I really shouldn’t drink so much tea before I go to bed.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm pregnant and then I realize I would have to be like 19 months pregnant.

Q: The male sex has two hobbies. What are they?
A: His left hand and his right hand.

What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
"We better get some support before someone thinks we're nuts!"

Q: What's worse than ants in your pants?
A: Uncle.

Q: Why can't scientists find a cure for AIDS?
A: They can't get the laboratory mice to arse f*ck.

Johny met his classmate from high school after ten years who was still very beautiful.
As he met her, he told her only: "Hi Ann, I am pleased to see you again after so many years."
Ann took a look at his pants and said: "I know that you´re pleased."

Even the story of Sir Walter Ralegh confirms that he put his brand new coat over bumps with mud for his wife to cross it.
Why?
Because he was on sea for 15 months and he desperately wanted to have sex.
No normal man that is well in his brains would do this to his expensive coat.

Kamasutra sex jokes: ex is still the same but the dishes are stacked in the sink. he male sex has two hobbie. ecause he was on sea for 15 months and he desperately wanted to have sex. 

How do you make five pounds of fat look good? Put a nipple on it!

Condoms are not completely safe.
A friend of mine was wearing one and he got hit by a bus.

Kissing is a habit
Fucking is a game
Guys get all the pleasure
Girls get all the pain
The guy says I love you
You believe its true
But when your tummy starts to swell,
He says 'to hell with you'
10 minutes of pleasure
9 months in pain
3 days in hospital
A baby without a name
The baby is a bastard
The mother is a whore
This never wouldn't have happened
If the rubber wouldn't have torn

Ladies, it is amazing how you do that, with a beverage coming out of your nipple, did you know that? Guys, we can't do it. Because if we could, we'd spend the whole time squirting each other. (Credit: Dave Attell.)

Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.

Sex without condoms is magical... A baby appears and father disappears.

Without nipples, breasts would be pointless.

Q: Why was the blonde girl's belly button bruised?
A: Because blonde men are dumb too.

“man and a woman were approaching their 50th wedding anniversary. To celebrate, the woman decided she would cook a big dinner for her husband. Then he said they should do what they did on their wedding night, and eat at the dinner table naked. The woman agreed. On their anniversary night, at the table, the woman says, "Honey, my nipples are as hot for you as they were 50 years ago." The man replies, "Madge, hon, that's because they are sitting in your soup.

Today in lesson Little Jonny went to the back of the room and Miss McRacen went "Not in the back."
Jonny: "That's what she said."
Miss: "Get out!"
Jonny "She said that too."

A kid walks up to his mom and asks, "Mom, can I go bungee jumping?" The mom says "No, you were born from broken rubber and I don't want you to go out the same way!"

A very old man went to a church, making this confession:
- Father, I am 78 years old, I have been married for 40 years.
All these years I had been faithful to my wife, but yesterday I had sex with an 21 year old woman.
- When was the last time you made a confession?
- I never have, I am Jewish.
- Then why are you telling it to me?
- I am telling it everybody ...

Mom: If a boy touches your boobs say "don't" and if he touches your pussy say "stop"?
Girl: But mom, he touched both so I said "don’t stop"

Kamasutra says:
If you suck one nipple, the women herself offers the other one.
And that was the origin of "buy one get one free"!

One day a farmer wakes up to go check on his cheese cow. He walks up and finds her dead in the grass. The man is so upset he kills himself. Then his wife wakes up. She finds her husband dead and goes to the lake and kills herself. Next the first son wakes up and notices everybody is dead. He goes down to the river and sees a mermaid. She swims up to him and says, "Having a bad day, huh? I'll tell you what. If you make love to me ten times in a row without stopping, I'll bring everyone back to life. But if you don't, I will kill you." He tries to do it, but doesn't make it. She kills him. Then the second son wakes up and after seeing his dead parents, also goes to the river where he sees his dead brother. The same mermaid swims up and tells him what she told his brother. He asks, "If I make love to you 20 times, what will you do?" She tells him, "If you are able to perform 20 times in a row, I will bring everyone back and make you the richest man alive." He then asks, "Well if I do it 20 times in a row, what's stopping you from dying? That's what happened to the cow."

What are the small bumps around women’s nipples?
It’s Braille for ‘suck here’.

Nipples sex jokes: Sex without condoms is magical... A baby appears and father disappears. I had sex with an 21 year old woman.

Why do women close their eyes during sex?
They can't stand to see a man have a good time.

Heres what you do:
1. Dinner
2. Kiss
3. Movie
4. Sex
5. Bring her back home
6. Get paid 15 bucks for babysitting

A girlfriend said to me during sex that I should be a little more graceful, so I went to ballet classes!

What’s the definition of a Yankee?
Same thing as a ‘quickie’ but you do it yourself.

One day Pebbles Flintstone got scared and hopped in bed with Wilma and Fred.
She looked under the covers on Wilma's side and asked what that was and Wilma said well Pebbles thas my rock.
After that Pebbles looked on Fred's side and asked what that thing was down there and Fred replied thats my rock grinder.
So Pebbles layed there for a few minutes then sat up and said so mommy puts her rock in daddy's rock grinder and out pops PEBBLES! ! ! !

Q: What is the difference between anal sex and a microwave
A: A microwave doesn't brown your meat.

A man goes to the doctor suffering from premature ejaculation.
"Can you do anything to help me, Doc?" said the man.
"No, but I can give you the address of a woman who has a short attention span" replied the doctor.

I tried some of that aphrodisiac rhino horn.
Now I’ve got an overwhelming desire to charge at Land Rovers.

A Lalu originally from Bihar now in USA went to India and brought a physiologically checked out virgin from a small happy town as wife.
Ideal Lalu decided to have first night in USA.
He prepared her, took their all clothes off and was ready to penetrate for intercourse and young bride stopped him.
"What are you trying to do," she asked.
Lalu explained the spousal sex.
The bride said, "In that case try my back hole it will be lots of fun for you."

The three words most hated by men during sex: ‘Are you done?’
The three words most hated by women during sex, ‘Honey, I’m home!’

‘He had ambitions at one time to become a sex maniac, but he failed his practical.’

Question: Why do women close their eyes during sex?
Answer: They can’t stand seeing a man have a good time.

What did the Irish spinster keep saying in her prayers?
‘Good Lord, please have Murphy on me…’

Q:What's the worst thing your wife can say during sex?

But the 21-year-old financial administrator ended up in a collision of a very different kind to the one she intended.
Chloé, from Hinckley, Leicestershire, admitted rear-ending another driver on a roundabout.
She posted a picture of her £6k motor showing extensive damage to the front.
She took to Twitter on Saturday, writing: “Started driving to my ex's house to s**g him and ended up crashing my car.
"That’s one way for the universe to tell me I’m making a mistake.”
    That’s one way for the universe to tell me I’m making a mistake
    Chloe Langton
Speaking today Chloé said: "When I was driving on Saturday afternoon someone was coming round a roundabout in the lane to the left to come off but they then carried on straight instead.
"There was a car in front of me that went to pull out but then had to break due to the t*** in the wrong lane and when he slammed his breaks on I then went into the back of him."
Other users were quick to poke fun at Chloé's timely misfortune.
A user called A.J Aldo wrote: “Least you weren’t rear-ended.”
Chloé joked: “Well that was the original plan.”
Simon Biker commented: “At least something got f***** today.”
A user called @Jenstokoe added: “The universe works in mysterious ways.”

A:Honey I'm home.

Q: Who did little Johnny see when he snuck into the church late one night?
A: Pastor Bedtime.

Kock, Knock
Who is there?
Suck, suck.
Suck, suck who?
After a long pause with a low voice:
My dick; dear!

You know why Chuck Norris is always on top during sex?
Because he never fucks up.

During sex jokes: Why do women close their eyes during sex? What is the difference between anal sex and a microwave. Lalu explained the spousal sex.

They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running 8 miles. Who the hell runs 8 miles in 30 seconds?

What's the difference between sin and shame? It's a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.

Q: What is the dirtiest line said on television?
A: "Ward, I think you were a little hard on the Beaver last night."

Pornography is what's going to save the 3D television market. The only thing we'll have to watch out for is the money shot. "Ahh did it get in my hair?"

What’s the difference between a pick-pocket and a peeping tom?
One snatches your watch. The other watches your snatch.

A little boy and his father are walking down the street, and they see two dogs having sex. The little boy asks his father, “Daddy, what are they doing?” The father says, “Making a puppy.” So they walk on and go home.
A few days later, the little boy walks in on his parents having sex. The little boy says, “Daddy, what are you doing?”
The father replies, “Making a baby.”The little boy says, “Can you turn mommy over? I’d rather have a puppy.”

What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off!

What do you get when you jingle Santa's balls? A white Christmas!

Did you hear about the guy who died of a Viagra overdose? They couldn't close his casket.

What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down and use a lubricant.

That awkward moment when you're about to hug someone sexy as hell and then you hit the mirror.

Sex is like air; its not important unless you arent getting any.

Have a girl that everyone else dreams about, but don't dream about a girl that everyone else has.

Your blow up date saw you naked, and self deflated.

'd like to think inside your box.

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

I remember as a child, lying in bed waiting for Santa to come... Then there was always that awkward silence as he got dressed and left.

Life is like oral sex, one slip of the tongue and you're in the shit.

Masturbating is wrong in some people's eyes... Also, it burns.

There's something actionable in your pants.

Why did the prostitute retire? She screwed up!

If a dove is the bird of peace, then is a swallow the bird of love?

Hot single grannies in your area want you to look at how tall you've gotten.

A good bar is like a good woman - liquor in the front and poker in the back.

“A little boy and his friends are being called bastards and bitches by bullies at school. The boy goes home and asks, "Dad, what are bastards and bitches?" And his dad replies, "Bitches are ladies and bastards are gentlemen." Then the boy goes upstairs to see his mom. As he enters the room, he accidentally drops a perfume bottle, and his mom says, "Shit!" "Mom, what is shit?" and she says, "Perfume." So he goes to see his dad (who is carving a chicken), and his dad cuts himself and yells, "Fuck!" The boy asks, "Dad, what does fuck mean?" and dad says "preparing." Then he follows his dad upstairs. A few minutes later his mom and dad are about to have sex when his dad says, "Where are the condoms?" The little boy asks, "What are condoms?" and his father says, "Condoms are coats and jackets." The following night his father invites over some important business clients. The boy opens the door for them and says, "Hello! Please come in, Bastards and bitches. Hang your condoms up here, my mom is upstairs rubbing shit on her face and my dad is downstairs fucking the chicken.

Sex jokes 2020: That awkward moment when you're about to hug someone sexy as hell and then you hit the mirror. A few days later, the little boy walks in on his parents having sex. A little boy and his father are walking down the street, and they see two dogs having sex.

A penguin takes his car to the shop and the mechanic says it'll take about an hour for him to check it. While he waits, the penguin goes to an ice cream shop and orders a big sundae to pass the time. The penguin isn't the neatest eater, and he ends up covered in melted ice cream. When he returns to the shop, the mechanic takes one look at him and says, "Looks like you blew a seal." "No," the penguin insists, "it's just ice cream."

Mirror, Mirror. A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop from a gypsy, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bust line forty four". Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return. This time the husband crosses his fingers and says "Mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!". Again, there's a bright flash...and his legs fall off.

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down.
The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen.
She dresses quickly and goes to find him.
The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"
The mother replies, "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."
"You're wasting your time," said the boy.
"Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled.
"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."

A young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered a butcher shop and confronted the butcher with the news that the baby was his and asked what he was going to do about it?
He said he'd offer to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16.
She agreed.
The butcher had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."
"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."
When the boy arrived home he told his mother.
The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!"

A man walks into a clock shop where a beautiful woman is working.
He walks to the counter unzips his fly and pulls out his cock.
The woman screams "excuse me sir this is a CLOCK SHOP".
I know replied the man "I want two hands and a face put on this".

A guy arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find his lover in bed with a young, handsome boy.
Just as he was about to storm out of the house, his lover stopped him with these words: "Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about:"
"Driving home, I saw this young guy, looking poor and tired, I offered him a ride.
He was hungry, so I brought him home and fed him some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator.
His shoes were worn out so I gave him a pair of your shoes you didn't wear because they were out of style.
He was cold so I gave him that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn't suit you.
His trousers were worn out so I gave him a pair of yours that you don't fit into anymore.
Then as he was about to leave the house, he paused and asked, 'Is there anything else that your lover doesn't use anymore?'
"And so, here we are!"

A man is out shopping when he discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms.
He buys a pack and shows his wife.
‘They’re in three colours,’ he tells her, ‘Gold, silver and bronze.’
‘So what colour are you going to wear tonight?’ she asks. ‘Gold of course,’ replies the man.
‘Why don’t you wear silver?’ replies his wife.
‘It would be nice if you came second for a change!’

A married couple was on holiday in Pakistan they were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.
From the inside they head a Pakistani accent say, "you foreigners come in.
Come in my humble shop." so the married couple walked in.
The Pakistani man said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you'd be interested in.
They make you wild at sex like a great dessert camel"
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man had claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being a sex hero he as.
The husband, "how could sandals make you into a sex freak?"
The Pakistani man replied, why don't you see for yourself?"
Well , the husband after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on.
As soon as he slipped then onto this feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in years-- raw sexual power.
In a blink of an eye the husband rushed of too the Pakistani man threw him on the table and started tearing at the guy's pants.
All the time the Pakistani man was screaming, "YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET"

Shop sex jokes: hey make you wild at sex like a great dessert camel. The husband, "how could sandals make you into a sex freak?" As soon as he slipped then onto this feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in years-- raw sexual power.

What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? The taste!

Sex is like a motor racing - the most important thing is not to save money for bes quality rubber.

Why did Eve bite the forbidden apple? Because it tasted better than Adam's banana.

‘I recently sold the rights of my love life to Parker brothers, they’re going to turn it into a game.’ Woody Allen

A young man walks up and sits down at the bar.
"What can I get you?" the bartender inquires.
"I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responds the young man.
"6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?"
"Yeah, my first blowjob."
"Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house."
"No offense, sir.
But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."

I’m a very giving lover – I give Green Shield Stamps.

An Irish priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train.
After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying "I know that, in your religion, you’re not supposed to eat pork... Have you actually ever tasted it?"
The Rabbi said, "I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion."
Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation.
He asked, "Your religion, too... I know you’re supposed to be celibate. But..."
The priest replied, "Yes, I know what you’re going to ask. I have succumbed once or twice."
There was silence for a while.
Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he was reading and said, "Better than pork, isn’t it?"

Guys Who Treat Girls Like Sexual Exploits Are Cool.
When I think about a guy saying “that’s what she said,” I picture jocks high-fiving in the locker room. I know that picture is a cliché, but there is an undeniable locker room quality about TWSS jokes. Remember that god-awful movie, John Tucker Must Die? There is a scene in the boys’ locker room where John tells his friends, “Let’s just say at tonight’s away game, I’ll be scoring more than baskets!” It is considered natural, macho behavior for guys to discuss girls as “exploits.” But, although girls must act and look sexy, girls are never supposed to talk or even think about sex. We don’t hear what he said because we are taught that girls don’t discuss sex. And no one jokes about homosexual sex. Jokes about homosexuality might make people uncomfortable. Instead we joke about what a girl says about her sexual partner’s penis because that’s never awkward.


A sexy girl looks at the big beer belly of a man and asks:
Is that Carlsberg or Tuborg?
There‘s a tap underneath it – why don‘t you taste it yourself?

A YOUNG woman who claims she was involved in a crash while driving to her ex's to have sex has joked she planned to get "rear-ended".
Chloé Langton, 21, was driving her Ford Fiesta to her former boyfriend's house last week, where she hoped they would romp.

How do you know when your sister is on her period?
Your dad's dick tastes like blood.

Taste sex jokes: Sex is like a motor racing - the most important thing is not to save money for bes quality rubber. A sexy girl looks at the big beer belly of a man and asks. Guys Who Treat Girls Like Sexual Exploits Are Cool.

I overdosed on Viagra once. The hardest day of my life.

I took a viagra the other day. It got caught in my throat and all I ended up with was a stiff neck.

What do you do when you find out Viagra isn't working for you? You go Cialis!

Q: What's the difference between the first honeymoon and the second?
A: First honeymoon, Niagara. Second honeymoon, Viagra.

An old man goes into a pharmacy, asks for two Viagra pills and demands that the pharmacist cut them in half.
The pharmacist winks at him, "OK, but do you realize they won't be as effective?"
The old man says, "Listen sonny, I'm 80 years old. I don't want them for sex. I need them for getting me hard enough so I don't pee on my shoes."

The next day the woman walks in ecstatic telling the therapist the viagra worked, and she and her husband had the best sex ever.
She asks her therapist what would happen if she gave her husband two pills?
The therapist replies she dosn’t know but says to go ahead and try it.

A week later a boy walks into the therapists office and asks: "Are you the “idiot” who gave my MOTHER a bottle of Viagra?"
"Why yes young man I did?"
"Why?"
"Well mom’s dead, my sister’s Pregnant, my  A–  Hurts, and Dad just sits in the corner going, 'here Kitty, Kitty, Kitty…'”

A man and his wife went to the pharmacy to pick up his prescription for Viagra.
Seeing the $10 per pill price his wife was astonished - but then realized "it's only going to cost us $30 per year."

An elderly black man goes to see his doctor for help with his sexual performance issues.
The doctor explains that Viagra isn't going to work this time.
The man goes back to the doctor a month later for a follow-up.
This time he is wearing a new tuxedo, shined shoes, and a top-hat.
The doctor is impressed and asks what the occasion is.
The old man says, "If I'm gonna be impotent I'm gonna look impotent!"

A man and his wife go to the doctor to see how they could improve their sex life.
The doctor recommends Viagra.
They come back and see him in a couple of weeks.
The doctor says "how was the Viagra?"
The wife says "great I love it."
Husband says "I like it but it has some side effects, we're bared from McDonald's for life."

Q: Why did the gay man take two aspirin with his Viagra?
A: So sex wouldn't be such a pain in the arse.

An elderly gentleman went to see his doctor and asked for a prescription of Viagra.
The doctor said, “That’s no problem. How many do you want?”
The man answered, “Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces.”
The doctor said, “That won’t do you any good.”
The elderly gentleman said, “That’s all right. I don’t need them for sex anymore as I am over 90 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don’t pee on my shoes.”

Viagra is like Disneyland; a one hour wait for a 2-minute ride.

Mary, a horny and sexy 23 year old and a handsome, single, sexy doctor Matt have an appointment together.
Doctor: Well what's your problem madam?
Mary: Well, there's something wrong with my tongue.
Doctor: What's wrong with it?
Mary: Examine it and you'll see.
Doctor: Why don't you just-
Mary: EXAMINE IT!
Doctor: Fine. (Starts examining tongue, confused as there is nothing wrong with it.)
Mary: (Suddenly pushes tongue into Matt's mouth)
Doctor: (Pulls out tongue, furiously) Oh, so that's what's wrong with your tongue, eh? It's wanting sex. I see. I can fix that. (Goes to lock door, and rips off all of his clothes) Now your turn.
Mary: Wow. I should have just asked.
Doctor: (Starts to plunge in and out his dick from Mary's pussy.) Do you wanna make it more enjoyable?
Mary: (Moaning and groaning sexually) Ooooooh yes.... Baby..... Yes....
Doctor: Ooooooh it feels SOOO good. (Starts to moan and groan sexually, he suddenly cums)
Mary: Aaaaah a baby, fuck me more!
Doctor: (Goes on top of Mary) I'm fucking you as hard as I can!
When the session is finished, Mary wants to tell Matt something.
Mary: That was great. But do you know why you got so aroused before?
Doctors: Yes. It was very strange, I was not horny before.
Mary: My tongue had viagra powder on it. That's why I put my tongue in your mouth.

A teenage boy overdosed on ten bottles of Viagra.
Not only is he lucky to be alive, he’s lucky not to have taken his eye out.

Viagra sex jokes: I don't want them for sex.  It's wanting sex. I see. I can fix that. A man and his wife go to the doctor to see how they could improve their sex life. 

Three potatoes are standing on a corner. Which one is the prostitute? The one saying, "I-DA-HO."

What did the leper say to the prostitute? Keep the tip.

Did you hear about the blind prostitute? Well, you got to hand it to her.

What did the prostitute say after fucking Jesus? Nailed it!

“A panda walks into a bar. He asks the bartender how he can get a little action for the night. The bartender motions to a young woman. She talks to the panda, and they go back to her place. After having sex, the panda abruptly leaves. The next night, the woman goes to the panda's house. "You owe me money," she says. "For what?" The woman rolls her eyes and explains, "I'm a prostitute." The panda pulls out a dictionary and looks it up: "Prostitute: Has sex for money." The panda says, "I don't have to pay you. I'm a panda. Look it up." She is about to protest when the panda hands her the dictionary. The woman looks up "panda" in the dictionary, and it reads, "Panda: Eats bush and leaves.”

Q: Two potatos are standing on a corner, how can you tell which one is a prostitute? A: The one that says IDAHO!

Q: Why do Jewish men like to watch porno movies backwards? A: They like the part where the prostitute gives the money back.

An old football player was dying.
So he called her wife and told her: "My dearest you see I'm dying. May you confess how many times you have done betrays against me during your life?"
Her spouse said: "Forgive me, my dear, only 3 times:
1. Do you remember it was so difficult to admit you as a football player in the team? So I went to the couch and did something. That was the cause for you to be a player in the team.
2. Do you remember when you entered the team no body didn't pass you? I went to 10 others players so they changed a friendly treatment during half times.
3. Do you remember during matching nobody of 30000 viewers didn't encourage you? I did something..."
A man on a business trip to Las Vegas heard about how good the Las Vegas prostitutes were so on his first night there, he decided he would go out and try his luck.
He walked outside his hotel and looked up and down the street and saw an attractive girl standing on the corner.
He approached her and asked her if she is working tonight and sure enough she said "Meet me in room 804 across the street."
He was in luck.
She was a knockout.
They got to the room and he sat down anxiously on the edge of the bed.
She asked him what he wanted and he thought for a second, then said "How much for a hand job?" She said, "300".
His eyes popped open and he asked "300?"
She said, "Walk over to that window and open the curtains".
He proceeded.
"See that motel down there? I own it, and I didn't inherit it. I'm that good."
He was like, "well go right ahead honey".
So she proceeded to give him the best hand job he ever had.

Two men visit a prostitute.
The first man goes into the bedroom.
He comes out ten minutes later and says, ‘Heck.
My wife is better than that.’
The second man goes in.
He comes out ten minutes later and says, ‘You know?
Your wife IS better.’

A boy went into a hoare house and said he wanted an AIDS's infected prostitute.
The woman at reception said room 9 top of the hall.
He went to the room and did his business.When he was leaving she asked him why he wanted her she being aids infected.
The boy answered,"When I go home i'll sleep with the babysitter then my dad will sleep with the babysitter then my dad will sleep with my mam then in the morning my mam will fuck the milkman and thats the BASTARD that ran over my dog.

Prostitute sex jokes: After having sex, the panda abruptly leaves. Prostitute: Has sex for money.

Two homeless men are devising a plan to get free drinks at a bar. The first one has an idea: "We'll buy a hot dog and stick it down your pants, walk into the bar, get our drinks, drink, and when the bartender asks for his money, you pull down your pants and I suck on the hot dog that you put down there. He'll kick us out, and we wont have to pay. It's brilliant!" The second man agrees and they do this in the first bar where it works just as planned. Then they hit up 4 more bars and the first man says, "This is great, getting all these free drinks!" The other man replies, "Yeah, especially because the hot dog fell out at the first bar."

“teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, there are two left, but I like how you're thinking." Then Johnny asks the teacher, "You see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor. One is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream. Which one is married?" And the teacher responds, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're”

Car Salesmen. Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the other, "Boy, this economy sucks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my fucking ass!" Too late, he noticed a beautiful blonde, sitting two stools away. Immediately, he offered apologies for his use of bad language. "That's okay," the blonde replied, "I have a very similar problem. If I don't sell more ass this month, I'm going to lose my fucking car!"

A girl was a prostitute, but she did not want her grandma to know.
One day the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and she was among them.
The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway.
Suddenly the girl's grandma came by and saw her.
"Why are you standing in line, dear?" she asked.
Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, the girl told her that the policemen were passing out free oranges.
"Why, that is awfully nice of them! I think I'll get some for myself," said the grandma.
A policeman went down the line, asking for information from all of the prostitutes.
When he got to Grandma, he exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?"
Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take out my dentures and suck them dry!"

A guy goes out one day, hunting for bear.
After a few hours in the forest, he finally sees a giant grizzly.
He gets the bear in the rifle's sight and is about to pull the trigger when he feels a tap on his shoulder.
It's another bear. 'Buddy,' the bear says, 'that's my best friend down there.
I can rip your head off right now, or you can suck my dick.
What's it gonna be?'
Fearing for his life, the hunter says 'I'll suck your dick, Mr. Bear.'
The next day, hungry for revenge, the hunter returns to the woods and sees the same bear.
But as soon as he lines up the bear in his sights, he feels a tap on his shoulder. 'Buddy,' says the bear.
'Today, I can rip your head off or you can fuck me in the ass.'
Again fearing for his life, the hunter replies, 'I'll fuck you in the ass Mr.Bear.'
The next day, furious at what has happened to him, the hunter returns to the forest in order to kill same bear.
Once again, he gets the bear in his rifle sights when he feels a tap on his shoulder.
The bear shakes his head at the hunter and says, 'You don't come here for the hunting do you?'

Sucking jokes about sex: One day the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and she was among them.