As she lay there dozing next to me a voice inside my head kept saying, "Relax, you are not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients."
But another voice kept saying, "Howard, you are a veterinarian."

Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized."


The biggest difference between men and women is what comes to mind when the word 'Facial' is used.


A married couple was walking down the street when an alien spacecraft landed in front of them.
A married alien couple walked out and said, "Hello, earthlings, we come in peace. We are scientists from the planet GRUDO-X and we want you to tell us all about your planet."
So they talked for hours, until they came to the subject of sex.
The humans told the aliens how humans have sex and the aliens were in shock!
It was very similar to the way the aliens did it.
The men in the group decided to have a little experiment with switching wives for a night.
When the human woman saw the alien man undress, she immediately laughed at his "thing."
The alien looked down and said, "Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot."
And he hit his head twice and "it" grew at least two feet.
The woman said "Wow! That's impressive, but I could snap that thing if I wanted to."
So the alien pulled his ears twice and it expanded. The two had the greatest sex of their lives.
The next morning the human man came for his wife and asked, "How was it?"
The wife replied, "Great!"
The man said, "Well, for some strange reason thealien woman kept jumping on me, pulling my ears and hitting me on the head, screaming, "It's broken! It's broken!"


3 Stages of Sex:
1. House Sex - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house, in every room.
2. Bedroom Sex - After you've been married for a while and you just have sex in the bedroom.
3. Hall Sex - After you've been married for many years, and you just pass each other in the hall and say, "F**k you!"

Relax baby

Want to make a porno?
We don't have to tape it.

Two old men hobble into the pub.
One says, ‘I’ve heard Guinness puts lead in your pencil. Shall we try some?’
‘All right,’ says the other.
‘But, to be honest, I’ve got nobody to write to.’

Man, to woman, ‘Do you want sex?’
 Woman, ‘Your place or mine?’
Man, ‘Well, if you’re going to argue.
Forget it.’

Ted and Julie go to bed with each other for the first time.
Julie: "I should warn you, Ted -- I've got acute angina."
Ted: "Your breasts aren't bad either."

Yo' Mama is so fat, you have to slap her thigh and ride the wave in to have sex with her.

Happy Father's Day to someome who's been completely replaced in his marriage by Fifty Shades of Grey.

Q: What's the hardest thing about a sex change from a man to a woman?
A: Inserting the anchovies

John Leslie has been accused of raping a disabled black girl on Blue Peter.
He blamed it on dyslexia & said he thought the script said, use sticky black spastic.

Q: What's the difference between jelly and jam?
A: I can't jelly my dick a baby's throat.

Virginity like bubble, one prick all gone.

Have you heard about the new "Mint flavored birth control pill" for women that they take immediately before sex?
They're called "Predickamints".

The average speed of ejaculation is 45km/h, which is probably why I was arrested for doing it outside a school.

Unexpected sex - is the best thing to wake up, unless you're in prison...

A father notices his young son staring at something on the ground.
The father approaches his son and asks what he's looking at.
The boy says that he sees two daddy long legs on top of each other, and asks what they're doing.
They father replies that the two spiders are having sex.
It's a completely natural thing that a mommy and daddy do when they love each other.
The son then asks if one is a daddy long leg and the other is a mommy long leg.
The father says that they're both daddy long legs.
The son stomps on them, killing them.
The father asks why he did that.
The boy replies "I don't want any of that faggot-ass shit in my yard."

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Got my wife a dildo and some shoes for her birthday.
If she doesn't like the shoes, she can go fuck herself.

What's the difference between a mosquito and a woman?
When you slap a mosquito it stops sucking.


Q. What's the difference between tampons and cowboy hats?
A. Cowboy hats are for ass holes.


Yo mama's so fat when she is having sex, her partner doesen't know if it's in her butt or her boobs.

Your mama is so stupid, when she lost her dildo she called the cops to look for it.

Knock Knock.
Who's There?
Justin.
Justin who?
Your justin time to wipe my ass!


Doc, every time after sex I hear whistle.
What's your age?
70.
You know, this is very natural. It would strange if you heard applause...

‘I’m a bad lover.
Once I caught a peeping Tom booing me.’
Rodney Dangerfield

Q: What did Snow White say to Pinocchio when she was sitting on his face?
A: "Lie to me! Lie to me!"

Two girlfriends meet again after a few years.
One is pushing around a baby buggy.
The first girlfriend looks at the baby and is perplexed.
"Black skin? Blue slit eyes? A blonde afro? How did you do that?"
Murmurs the other woman.
"Damn gangbang! At least he doesn't bark!"

On the other day in a cemetery, I saw a woman who was rubbing her ass to a grave.
When I asked the reason, she answered: "It was my husband when he was alive; always he told me: 'Your ass is so sweet whenever any dead man touches it he'll be alive!'"

Q: Why would a blonde wear green lipstick?
A: Because red means Stop.

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

Two old friends are having coffee when the first woman says, "I hear that you’ve been telling people that I’m ugly!"
"Oh NO! I’ve just been saying that your new hairdo makes you look less attractive."
"I also heard that you’ve been calling me fat?"
"Oh NO! I just said that the way you wear those stripes makes you look larger than you really are."
"I’ve also heard that you’re saying that my husband has a wart on his dick!"
"Oh NO! I only said that it feels like he has a wart on his dick!"

Q: What does the receptionist at the sperm clinic say when clients are leaving?
A: “Thanks for coming!”

A man and a woman meet in an elevator. "Where are you heading today?" the man asks.
"I'm going down to give blood."
"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"
"About $20."
"Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100."
The woman angrily gets off the elevator.
The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again.
"Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?"
"Sperm bank," she says with her mouth full.

Once while having s*x in a tractor-trailer, part of Chuck Norris' sperm escaped and ran into the engine.
We now know this truck....as Optimus Prime.

Two sperms.
The first one asked the second "How much time we need to reach the womb?"
The second one answered "To much time left... We are in the stomach now."

Two sperm are in the body looking for the egg when one of them starts to wonder why it is taking so long.
He asks the other sperm, "aren't we near the uterus yet?"
"No," replied the other sperm, "we haven't even gotten to the esophagus."

Apparently, he’s trying to become a father again, even though he’s now 87.
And you have to admit that is an exceptionally low sperm count.

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values.
Stuart said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"
Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?

To which the doctor responded, ‘To avoid criticism.’

Q. Difference between a man buying a lottery ticket and a man fighting with his wife...
A. A man has a chance at winning at the lottery.

My husband told me to find him the best penis enlargement product.
So I gave him a magnifying glass!

Q: What do a gynaecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?
A: They can both smell it, but can't eat it.


Q: How do you find a blind man at a nude beach?
A: It’s not hard.

Programming is like sex.
One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.


A man and his wife went to the pharmacy to pick up his prescription for Viagra.
Seeing the $10 per pill price his wife was astonished - but then realized "it's only going to cost us $30 per year."

A Girl was towelling her wet pussy.
She enjoyed it so much that she began to rub it vigorously until...

One day a girl was with her mom in the park and saw two teens having sex on the bench.
The little girl asked her mom, "Mommy, what are they doing?"
The mom was blushing and replied, "Oh their making cakes."
The next day the girl and the mom went to the zoo and saw two monkey having sex.
The little girl asked again, "Mommy, what are they doing?"
Again the mother replied, "Oh their making cakes."
The next day, the little girl confronted her mom, "Mommy, I know you and daddy we’re making cakes last night."
The mom was frightened and asked, "How did you know?"
The little girl replied, "I licked the icing off the couch! It was good too!"

A punk rocker gets on the bus with green, yellow, purple and orange hair.
An old guy sitting on the bus stares at him, and the punk says, "What's the matter, old man, didn't you ever do anything wild in your life?"
And the old man says, "Yeah, one time I fucked a parrot. I thought maybe you were my kid."

A voice inside said to me: ”Calm down, you are not the first doctor who sleeps with his patient!”
And another voice answered: ”but you are a veterinarian!”

3 people having sex is a threesome, 2 is a twosome.
So next time someone calls you handsome, don't take it as a compliment!

The famous sex therapist was on the radio taking questions when a caller asked, ‘Doctor, why do men always want to marry a virgin?’

A kid asks his mom "why his sisters' middle name is Paris?"
"Because that's where we conceived her."
"Next, I was going to ask why my middle name is Chevy but now I know why."

A guy is late to meet with his friends at the local bar the friends obviously ask why he is late and he responds:
"Wow, you won't believe what just happened. So I take the usual route via the rail tracks and suddenly I see a young, naked woman tied up next to the tracks."
The friends are curious and ask: "Well, what happened next?"
The guy says: "Of course I untied her and we had sex because I freed her."
The friends are cheering and one friend asks: "Soo... did you get any head?"
The guy says: "No, I couldn't find it..."

The two old coots were both only a year short of retirement from the assembly line, but one Monday morning that didn't keep Joe from
boasting to Manny about his sexual endurance.  
"Three times," gasped Manny admiringly. "How'd you do it?"  "It was easy."
Joe looked down modestly. "I made love to my wife, and then I rolled over and took a ten-minute nap.
When I woke up again, I made love to her again and took another ten-minute nap. And then I put it to her again.
Can you believe it! I woke up this morning feeling like a bull, I'll tell you."  "I gotta try it," said Manny. "Lorraine won't believe it's happening."
So that night he made love to his wife, took a ten-minute nap, made love to her again, took another nap, woke up and made love to her a third time, then rolled over and fell sound asleep.  
He woke up feeling like a million bucks, pulled on his clothes, and ran to the factory, where he found his boss waiting outside for him.
"What's up, Boss?" he asked. "I've been working for you for twenty years and never been late once.
You aren't going to hold these twenty minutes against me now, are you?"  
"What twenty minutes?" growled the boss.
"Where were you on Tuesday and Wednesday?"

There were three nurses in a morgue...
They entered a room where they had discovered that there was a dead man laying on the bed with a hard-on.
The first nurse was very forward and said, "Wow! I have never seen that before, I can't let that go to waste".
After saying this the first nurse sat and rode it.
The 2nd nurse did the same.
The third nurse explained that she couldn't as she was on her period.
After a bit of convincing she eventually rode it.
After 3 minutes the man woke up.
The Nurses said, "What the hell... You were dead a few minutes ago"
The man replied, "yeah I was... But I feel great now I have had two jump starts and a blood transfusion".

Dad: Hey son, if you keep masturbating your going to go blind.
Son: Dad im over here.

Masturbation is like procrastination, it’s all good and fun until you realize you are only fucking yourself!

Man to friend: ‘I read a survey that said half the men in the UK masturbate in the shower, and the other half sing.
Do you know what they sing?’
Friend: ‘No I don’t.’
Man: ‘I thought you wouldn’t.’

Why Chocolate Is Better Than Sex:
- You can GET chocolate.
- Chocolate satisfies even when it's gone soft.
- You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
- You can have chocolate in in public.
- If you bite the nuts, the chocolate won't mind.
- The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
- You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
- No need to fake your enjoyment of chocolate.
- Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
- You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
- You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
- Size doesn't matter - though more is still better.

Having sex is like playing bridge.
If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

A cruise ship founders on a reef, and a man just manages to swim some miles and crawl up on a desert island.
After recovering from the ordeal, he begins to explore and finds to his great surprise (and pleasure) that the only other survivor of this terrible tragedy is Cindy Crawford.
They build a lean-to and find some food and water.
After a few weeks, it becomes clear that help is not on the way, so they start to get intimate.
The guy is clearly ecstatic for a couple of weeks, but one morning she awakes to find him moping under a tree.
"What's the matter?" Cindy says: "Is there anything I can do?"
"Well, I am a little shy about asking you," he replies: "But could you take some of that charcoal from the fire and paint a mustache on your face?"
"A mustache? Well... I... I suppose so", and she does it.
"Now, there's just one other thing. Can I call you Bob... like my friend?"
"Bob? Well... if it will make you feel better... all right."
"Great!" he cries, looks at her and says: "Bob! You're never gonna believe who I'm fucking!"

I’m about three years into my relationship now and I've started to have erection difficulties. My girlfriend and I have different ideas as to what the problem is: she bought me some Viagra and I bought her a treadmill.

My girlfriend thought I’d be a pushover in bed, and wouldn’t you know it, she had me pegged from the start.

My girlfriends dad asked me what I do. Apparently, "your daughter" wasn't the right answer.

My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic. I refused. If I'm going to have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord.

Today a fortune cookie told me that every exit is an entrance. Long story short, my girlfriend said no.

During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy... so I got drunk.

“A large family were going to have Thanksgiving dinner together. The two grandmas of the family were sick of people eating the pudding the night before, so they hatched a plan: They put BB-gun pellets in the pudding so they could see who ate it. The next morning, Little Johnny came down from his room and said, "Grannie, Grannie, there were BB-bun pellets in my pee pee last night." Then Little Sally came down and said, "Grandma, there were BB-gun pellets in my pee last night." Then Big Tom came down yelling, "Help! Help! I just shot my girlfriend in the mouth. She went down fine but came up with a hole going right through her tongue and out the side of her mouth!

My girlfriend says she prefers shoes to oral sex. But I'm head over heels.

A man goes into a florist and says, "I want to buy some flowers for my girlfriend".
"Certainly sir", she responds, "and what in particular are you after"?
After some thought, the man answers, "a shag".

My girlfriend has incredible sexual skills.
I almost had a heart attack when I saw the video!

My girlfriend always wanted to know the future job of her baby; so the other day when we were making sex suddenly she farted.
I told her: "Your baby will be a bugler."

I wish my girlfriend had warned me about the ceiling mirror in her bedroom.
I lay down ready for her, then ran out screaming – I’d looked up and thought I was being attacked by a naked skydiver.

My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207...

My girlfriend told me to give her 12 inches and make it hurt!
So I Fucked her 3 times and then hit her with a baseball bat.

My girlfriend always laughs during sex – no matter what she’s reading.

My girlfriend likes to pretend to be a 14 year old when we have sex.
I don't get it she will be 14 in a few years anyway.

My girlfriend asked me for the 7th time in a row for me to smash raw...
She must think I'm made of coat hangers.

In bed my girlfriend used to mentally dress me.

My girlfriend used to give amazing blow jobs, but lately they haven't been so great - they are starting to hurt me now since her baby teeth started growing in.

My girlfriend used to fake foreplay.
A man falls asleep on a beach and gets severe sunburn.
He’s rushed to hospital by his wife.

Jokes about sex.