What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

Q: What did Boy George say to Micheal Jackson? A: "You Beat It, and I'll cumma cumma cum."

Who Enjoys Sex More. A man and a woman were having drinks at a business conference when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more. The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?" "That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this: when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better: your ear or your finger?"

The following week when Steve's buddies arrived at the lake to set up camp, they were shocked to see Steve.
He was already sitting at the campground with a cold beer, swag rolled out, fishing rod in hand, and a camp fire glowing.
"How did you talk your missus into letting you go Steve?"
"I didn't have to," Steve replied.
"Yesterday, when I left work, I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows because I couldn't go fishing. Then the ol' lady Snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'. When I peeled her hands back, she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee and she said, 'Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want,' So, Here I am!"

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."

Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I not come work."
The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. Makes everything better and I can go to work. You try."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!"
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says, "£1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again."

A big city doctor visits an Indian tribe full of men, he asks "How do you guys relieve your sexual tension?"
"Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you."
The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey.
One man says "Since you're our guest you get to go first."
The doctor not wanting to go against custom starts to kiss, then proceeds to have sex with the donkey.
Then a man in the group asks "Are you almost done Doc?"
"We need the donkey to cross the river in order to get to the tribe of women."

Bill and John, in their 80's decided to visit the Madam for one last sexual encounter.
The Madam noticed Bill and John approaching, she quickly prepared 2 blow-up dolls, placing one in each room on the bed.
Bill and John told the Madam that "We are here for the last time".
The Madam sent Bill upstairs to the room on the left and John to the room on the right.
After an hour Bill and John left the rooms, paid the Madam and left.
Bill and John were very quiet until Bill said: "How was yours"?
John said, "I think she was dead".
John said, "How was yours"?
Bill said, "I think she was a witch".
John replied, "How did you know she was a witch"?
Bill said, "Well I got on top of her, bit her nipple, she farted and flew out the window."

A police officer pulls over an elderly female for speeding while driving her husband to a doctors appointment.
The officer approaches the vehicle and attempts to explain that he stopped her for speeding.
She looks at her husband and asks, "What did he say?"
The husband replies, "He said he stopped you for speeding."
The officer asked the elderly female for her driver's license and she turned and asked her husband, "What did he say?
The husband replies, "he wants to see your driver's license."
The women hands the officer her license and he sees that she is from his old home town.
The officer tells the couple that he remembered the town because he had the worst sexual experience of his life there.
The women looks at her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
The husband replies, "He says he knows you."

A High School English Teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
She tells the class that there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for a serious injury or illness, or a death in the student's immediate family.
One smart-ass jock in the back of the room asks, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Not an excuse. You can use your other hand to write with."

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist.
The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window.
He immediately told her to undress.
After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh.
He asked her, “Do you know what I’m doing?”
“Yes,” she replied, “you’re checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.”
“That is right,” said the doctor.
He then began to fondle her breasts.
“Do you know what I’m doing now?” he asked.
“Yes,” the woman said, “you’re checking for any lumps or breast cancer.”
“Correct,” replied the shady doctor.
Finally, he mounts his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her.
He asked, “Do you know what I’m doing now?”
“Yes,” she said. “You’re getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place!”

Sexual jokes about sex: The doctor not wanting to go against custom starts to kiss, then proceeds to have sex with the donkey. One smart-ass jock in the back of the room asks, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?" Finally, he mounts his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her.

What do you say to a virgin?
Thanks for nothing!

There's something actionable in your pants.

Q: When does a pedophile go to sleep?
A: When the big hand touches the small one.

Monday – a very, very, good day! The leader’s daughter lost. We found her and all of us made sex with her.
Tuesday – a very, very, good day! The leader's wife lost. We found her and all of us made sex with her.
Wednesday – a very, very, very, very, very, very, bad day! ... I lost! … Now they're looking for me.

While making love, he says: Darling, let's do 68!
68???
What's that?
You do it to me and I'll owe you one.

Three prisoners are locked in a cell.
One takes out a harmonica and says, ‘At least I can play a little music and pass the time.’
The second prisoner pull out a pack of cards and says, ‘We can play games too.’
The third man pulls out a packet of tampons.
‘Those aren’t much use,’ says the first prisoner.
‘Yes they are,’ says the third prisoner.
‘On the packet it says we can use them to swim, play tennis and ski.’

Q: What’s so good in f***ing twenty six year olds?
A: That they are twenty…

Q: How do you know a gay guy has farted?
A: He needs to change his pants afterward.

Q: What does a  blond man do at 03.00 in the night naked  at  the balcony?
A: The blond girl told him to come outside

Jane. ‘It didn’t work for us.’
‘Of course it wouldn’t,’ replies Mary.
‘You have to go alone.’

Two bums are sitting talking.
The first one starts bragging, "Today was the best day ever!
This morning I found a brand new pack of smokes just sitting on the ground.
So you know what I did? I sat and smoked every fucking one of them... had the best day ever."
The second bum just laughs,
"That's nothing, today I was walking along the rail road tracks and I found this girl laying on the tracks.
You know what I did?
I fucked her all day long."
The other bum interrupts, "Bull!
You didn't do it all day long did you?", the other continues, "Well, no but it was for at least a few good hours, best day of my life."
The first bums asks, "So did she give you a good blowjob?"
The other replies no.
"How could you possibly be getting busy with this girl for hours, and she doesn't even give you a blow job?"
To which the other replies, "How could she? She didn't have a head!"

I haven’t been the same since my testicles dropped.
Mind you, I was hanging from a tree by them at the time.

Jones aside. ‘You’re in perfect health,’ he says.
‘Your wife didn’t give me an erection, either.’

Boy do I love sex. Really love putting my penis into some *looks at smudged writing on hand* verguba


Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 10-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot,"he said.
"An ambulance just drove by."
A few moments passed.
"Looks like the Anderson's have company," he called out.
"Matt`s riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex."
Mom and dad shot up in bed.
"How do you know that?" the startled father asked.
"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend.
She was thrilled at the speed.
"If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked.
"Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend.
And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes.
Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over.
The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.
"Go and get help!" he cried.
"But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!"
"Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself."
Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station.
Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!"
The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do...he's in too far."

A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian...." The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"

Giggling Boy. A boy comes down stairs for breakfast and asks his grandma "Has my mom and dad come down stairs yet?" The grandma says "no" the boy giggles and goes out side to play He came back in for lunch and askd again the gramma says "no" he giggles and goes out side to play He later comes in for dinner and asks once again "Have my mom and dad come downstairs yet?" She says "no" he giggles Finnally she asks him why he keeps giggling when he asks that the boy said "Last night dad asked me for the lubricant but instead I gave him super glue"

Guy: *gets blowjob*
Guy: did u cum babe

Steve and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip.
Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him.
After a lot of teasing and name calling, Steve headed home frustrated.

Every Man needs a Beautiful wife, intelligent wife, caring wife, loving wife, sexy wife, adjusting & cooperative wife, but it's sad that law allows only one wife.

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "I'll tell."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "£750."
Man: "Fine."

There was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip.
He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else.

There was three guys a sex addict a weed addict and a alcoholic they all went to hell for their sin and was standing in front of the devil.
The devil made a deal with them saying I will lock you in a room with what ever you did for a 1000 years and if you get over any of your sins I will send you back to the land of the living, Earth.
So the sex addict got locked in a room full of virgins, the alcohol addict got locked in a room full of beer, the weed addict locked in a room full of weed.
1000 years later the Devil goes to the sex addict he comes out saying "Aww my dick hurts I'm never having sex again", poof back to earth.
Open the alcoholic room and he say "Im never having beer", and gets sent back to Earth.
Then the Devil opens the weed addicts room and the Weed addict punches the Devil in the face and says "you forgot my lighter bitch!"

Two parents take their son on a vacation to a nude beach.
The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water.
The son comes running up to his mom and says: "Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"
The mom says: "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."
So he goes back to play.
Several minutes later he comes running back and says: "Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!"
The mom says: "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."
So he goes back to play.
Several minutes later he comes running back and says: "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"

What do you call two jalapeños getting it on?
Fucking hot!

What did the sanitary napkin say to the fart?
You are the wind beneath my wings.

What’s the difference between a woman and a computer? Computers don’t laugh at 3.5″ floppies.

A 9 year old girl came up to her mother and said “whats sex?” the mother sat her down and gave “the talk”. after explaining she asked her daughter why she asked? and the daughter said “I told dad dinner was ready and he said he would be down in a few secs”

Did you hear about the constipated accountant? He couldn't budget, so he had to work it out with a paper and pencil.

Why does a mermaid wear seashells? Because she outgrew her B-shells!

Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? Because his wife died!

I have a fantasy, to sleep with 2 women... in the same year.

I don't flirt with disaster, I take it home and fuck it.

To all the Dads out there, Happy Father's Day... you mother fuckers. (Sex Jokes)

The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.

Don't let an extra chromosome get you down.

Q: Why don't blacks fuck Afghans? A: Because they are going to make you blow.

A slut is someone who'll have sex with anyone, a bitch is someone who'll have sex with anyone except you.

What do blondes do after they comb their hair? They pull up their pants.

Rape is a terrible crime... I'll never understand how a man can traumatize a woman like that. That's why I always make sure they don't remember...

“were having a big argument at breakfast. He shouted at her, "You aren't so good in bed either!" then stormed off to work. By mid-morning, he decided he'd better make amends and called home. "What took you so long to answer?" he asked. "I was in bed," she replied. "What were you doing in bed this late?" "Getting a second”

“hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he shuffles back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean, 200 dollars an hour!

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Bubba and Leroy were sitting on the front porch of a trailer house. Leroy says "Bubba, you and me are bestest buddies. If you was gone huntin and I had sex with your wife and she had my baby, would that make us Kin Folk?" Bubba replied " I don't know Leroy, but it would dang shore make us even"

What’s the best part about sex with 28-year-olds?
There are twenty of them.

Dougall O’Reilly is at the pub one night when he climbs to feet: “I got one fer ya!” he says, “I got one!” The crowd quiets. “Here’s to spendin’ the rest o’ me life, lyin’ between the legs ‘o me wife!” It’s an easy audience, everyone’s half cut, and wouldn’t you know? He wins the prize for best toast of the night!
Another hour later, Dougall wobbles home and in the back door. He snaps a £20 note and presents it to his wife: “Mary, guess who won the prize fer the best toast o’ the night?”
“Oh, isn’t that lovely?” says Mary, “And what was this wonderful toast you made?”
“I said Here’s to spendin’ the rest of me life, lyi– er, uh, settin’ in church beside me wife.”
“That’s… nice, Dougall.” she says, looking puzzled.
Next day, she’s on High Street to get something nice for dinner with the wee bounty, when she runs smack into one of Dougall’s drinking buddies. “Hey, Mary,” he says, leering, “Didja know Dougall won a prize with a toast about yer last night?”
“I know!” she says, “though I was a bit surprised meself. I mean, he’s only been there twice in four years, and the last time, I had to pull him by the ears to make him come!”

A man gets on a bus and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun. Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally she says no and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun.
“Well,” says the bus driver, “every night at 8 o’clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I’m sure you could convince her to have sex with you.”
The man decides to try it and dresses up in his best God costume. At 8 o’clock, he sees the nun and appears before her.
“Oh, god!” she exclaims. “Take me with you!”
The man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty. The nun says yes, but tells him she prefers anal sex. Before you know it, they’re getting down to it, having nasty, grunty, loud anal sex. After it’s over, the man pulls off his God disguise.
“Ha, ha! I’m the man from the bus!”
“Ha, ha!” says the nun, removing her costume. “I’m the bus driver!”

When King Arthur went on the crusades he left behind his most trusted knights of the round table to watch over his beautiful queen Guenivere. Her beauty was such that no man in the land could withstand it. Knowing this, wise King Arthur affixed her with a chastity belt, which on the outside had many spikes and snags to disuade any competitors.
When he returned from the crusades he called a meeting of his knights, and demanded they all drop their trousers to see who had been unfaithful and had attempted to lay with Guenivere. All the men except Good Sir Lancelot had scars and cuts on their thighs and genitals, showing that they had been unfaithful to King Arthur. Arthur said: “Lancelot my friend, wisest, noblest and kindest of all my Knights, how did you resist the beauty of Guinevere?” Lancelot responded: “ifluvllvl fvlvuusshh fahfahlavulah”
This joke is best when told in public and incredibly overperformed with storytelling and accents and such, as my uncle did when he told it to 14 year old me at a fine dining restaurant.

Best jokes about sex: If you was gone huntin and I had sex with your wife and she had my baby, would that make us Kin Folk? The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun. What’s the best part about sex with 28-year-olds?

A man joins a soccer team and his new teammates inform him, "At your first team dinner as the new guy, you will have to give us a talk about sex." The evening arrives and he gives a detailed, humorous account of his sex life. When he got home, his wife asked how the evening went and not wanting to lie, but also not wanting to explain exactly what happened, he said, "Oh, I had to make a talk about yachting," his wife thought this a little peculiar but said nothing more and went to sleep. The next day she bumped into one of his new teammates at the supermarket and asked, "I heard my husband had to make a speech last night. How did it go?" His mate said smiling, 'Oh, it was excellent! Your husband is clearly very experienced!." The wife looked confused and replied to his mate, "Strange, he has only done it twice and the second time he was sick."

A super hot chick walks into her church and says to the priest, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned." The priest says, "Tell me dear, what's on your mind?" "Well Father, I am a sex addict, and lately I discovered that I like doing it with priests. I had sex with the one from the church two blocks from here, the one five blocks from here, and also the one from the church nearby." The priest says, "It's okay, just pray three times a day for one week and it will all be okay." As the girl tries to go out, the priest says, "Oh, and dont forget that I will always be here for you!"

Lady 1: "Why is your husband so punctual when returning home from work?"
Lady 2: "I made a simple rule: sex will begin at 9pm sharp, whether he is there or not."

A husband suspected his wife was cheating on him. He explained his situation to a pet shop owner who replied, "I have a parrot that will let you know daily what goes on in your house. The bird has no legs, so he holds onto his perch with his penis." Reluctantly, the husband brought the bird home. At the end of the first day, the man asked the bird, "Did anything happen today?" The parrot said, "Yes, the milk man came over." The man asked, "What did he do with my wife?" The bird said, "I don’t know; I got hard and fell."

A teenage boy takes a quadriplegic girl on a date to dinner and the movies. At the end of the night out, he drives her back home and they start making out in his car. He tells the girl he feels uncomfortable doing this where her parents could come outside and catch them in the act. She says not to worry because she has a place they can go. So he helps her in her chair and she tells him to wheel her into the backyard. When they get in the back, she shows him a huge weeping willow tree that they can hide under and says he can do whatever he wants to her. Under the tree, she shows him two branches that can prop her up and he has his way with her. When they finish, he dresses himself and her, puts back into her chair, wheels her to the front door, and knocks. When her father sees the young man, he thanks him. The boy feels very uncomfortable because of what he just did to the man's daughter and asks, "Why are you thanking me?" "Because son," the father answers, "You are the first boy to take her out of the tree."

Jokes about sex will: Well Father, I am a sex addict, and lately I discovered that I like doing it with priests. I made a simple rule: sex will begin at 9pm sharp, whether he is there or not. The evening arrives and he gives a detailed, humorous account of his sex life.