What do single people call Valentine’s Day? Happy Independence Day!

To all the ladies and gents who aren't getting the V or the D in Valentine's day
Happy Alentine's Ay

My wife told me "For Valentine's Day, nothing would make me happier than a diamond necklace"
So I got her nothing.

Happy Valentine's Day
The Restaurant offers 25% discount for men who show up with their wife, 20% discount for men who show up with their girlfriend on Valentine's Day.
It's on the house for anyone who show up with both.

To all you beautiful girls, Happy Valentine's Day!
To all your fat girls, chin up, it's Pancake Day next week!

What happened when the man fell in love with his garden?

Q: What do single people call Valentine's Day?
A: Happy Independence Day!

Its Valentines Day…If u r married go & kiss your wife or husband , if u have a gfbf ..do the same ..n if u r single, kiss the ground and thank GOD !! =)). HAPPY VALENTINES DAY
My wife said to go out and buy something that makes her look hot & sexy for Valentine’s Day! So I got drunk…

Does anyone else get as excited about Valentine's Day coming up as they did about Christmas when they were little?
Or is it just because I'm Jewish?

I wish I was there to put them on you for the first time; no doubt, other hands will come into contact with them before I have a chance to see you again."
When you take them off, remember to blow on them lightly before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.
Just think how many times I'll be kissing them in the future. I hope you'll wear them Friday night for me."

"Do you have a date for Valentines Day?"
I said, "Yep!! It's February 14th."

Feb 14th, "Will you be my Valentine?"
March 14th, "Will you be my quarantine?"

Are you alone this valentine?
Just die on the 13th and you will surely get attentions with flowers on 14th

What is the favorite song of a ram from February 14? I only have eyes for sheep, honey.

What is the funniest holiday of the year? Based on these 10 cheesy Valentine's Day jokes, it has to be Feb. 14. The day may be all about love and romance, but when it comes down to it, it's without a doubt the easiest holiday to take a shot at. (It's probably also the easiest holiday to get way worked up about, and the easiest holiday to totally forget about... it's so versatile, isn't it!?).

(My only Valentines day related joke) If the Swan symbolizes happiness, what bird symbolizes true love?
The Swallow.

The other men smile and one of them responds: “Thats funny because I love her so much that I got her s...

Be rude- Unless you know your other half has the type of humour that will really appreciate a bad joke, don't poke fun at their expense.

Hit a sore spot- Your loved one has probably shared a lot of their experiences with you and not all of them will have been pleasant. Don't make a joke out of something that's caused them pain or embarrassment. Even if it seems like enough time has passed for it to be funny, chances are they won't feel the same.

Keep it light- The trick to making your loved one laugh (even at themselves) is to joke about stuff that’s not so important.
Include a pun- Rarely offensive and so cheesy that you just have to laugh, puns are a safe option when cracking a joke on Valentine's Day.

Any dude who waits for Valentines Day to treat his woman like a Queen is failing 364 days a year.
Fellas: Make it a Valentine’s Day she’ll always remember by simply forgetting it.
Dear people posting pics of things they got for Valentine’s Day: Please stop it! Spare us the cheesiness and keep that sh!t to yourself. Sincerely, Single People
Valentines Day – Drinks: $80. Dinner: $75. The room: $250. The look on his face when she says “I’m on my period”: Priceless.

If you don’t like Valentine’s Day because it’s corny… how about, instead, we make it porn-y?

Love is blind. Marriage is an eye-opener. I’m like butter, you can spread me anytime. You make me feel like a unicorn – wild and horny.

Girl: "I can't be your valentine for medical reasons." Boy: "Really?" Girl: "Yeah, you make me sick!" What did the valentines day card say to the stamp? Stick with me and you'll go places What do farmers give their wives on Valentine's Day? Hogs and kisses! Roses are red, violets are blue.

I got more sweet treats for you than a Whitman’s sampler.

What is the difference between a calendar and you? A calendar has a date on Valentine’s Day. Roses are Red, Violets are Blue, I’m using my hand, Thinking of you. We’re like hot chocolate and marshmallows… you’re hot and I want to be on top of you.

What happened when the man fell in love with his garden? It made him wed his plants! Did you hear about the nearsighted porcupine? He fell in love with a pincushion! Why did the stupid boy put clothes on the valentines he was sending? Because they needed to be ad-dressed!

This joke may contain profanity.
A Valentine’s Day Poem
Roses are black,
Violets are black,
I can’t see shit,
Fuck.
Mike walked into a Post Office just before Valentine’s Day
He couldn’t help noticing a middle-aged, balding man standing in a corner sticking “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.  Then the man got out a bottle of Channel perfume from his pocket and started spraying scent over the envelopes.

This joke may contain profanity.
What did you get your girlfriend for Valentine's day?
A T-shirt and a vibrator. If she doesn't like the T-shirt she can go fuck herself!

A young couple is out for a romantic Valentine's Day walk along a country lane.
They walk hand in hand and as they stroll, the lad's lustful desire rises to a peak.
He is just about to get frisky when she says, "I hope you don't mind, but I really do need to take a piss."
Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity, he suggests she go behind a nearby hedge.
She nods in agreement and disappears behind the shrubbery.
As he waits, he can hear the sound of her tight panties rolling down her long legs and imagines what is being exposed.
Unable to contain his animal thoughts a moment longer, he reaches through a gap in the foliage, and his hand touches her leg.
He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly, and with great astonishment, he finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage that's hanging between her legs.
He shouts in horror, "My God, Claudette, I had no idea you were actually a man!"
"No, you don't understand!" she replies.
"I changed my mind, I'm taking a crap instead."

Why did the coworker get charged with sexual harassment on Valentine's Day?
Because he had a heart on.
For Valentine's Day, I booked the most expensive table at a restaurant that's named after the underworld.
When my girlfriend asked me where we were eating, I told her I'd reserved a special place in Hell for us.

My girlfriend gave me a Valentine's Day card
Silly girl disguised it as a restraining order

Happy Valentine's.
For the past twenty years, I've received a Valentine's card from the same secret admirer. So, I was pretty upset when I didn't get one this year.
First my granny dies, now this?

I received a bunch of flowers for valentines day, with the heads cut off
I think I was being stalked

I bought my girlfriend vegetables on valentine's day
She thinks i'm corny

My buddy just got kicked out of his house. His wife was hinting at Valentine's day plans and asked him if he knew her favorite flower.
"Gold Medal All Purpose" apparently wasn't the answer.

Plus, I don't know a better way to tell her that I've got chlymidia.

For Valentine's Day I made a chart of past relationships....
It has an ex-axis and a why-axis.

Jim asked his friend, Tony, whether he had bought his wife anything for Valentine's Day.
"Yes," came the answer from Tony who was a bit of a chauvinist, "I've bought her a belt and a bag."
"That was very kind of you," Jim added, 'I hope she appreciated the thought."
Tony smiled as he replied, "So do I, and hopefully the vacuum cleaner will work better now."

A brunette gets a bouquet of flowers for valentines day.
The other office women are admiring the flowers as they are delivered to her.

For Valentine's Day I was woken up with an awesome BJ!
If only I could be posting this in any other forum.

In Latin America, Valentine's Day is called “The Day of Love and Friendship”
Because you want love, but she wants friendship

What kind of chocolate do you get a snake for Valentine's Day?
Hershey's Hiss

I have a tip for all you lonely ladies on valentine's day..
Or you can just take the whole thing.

Had a great Valentine's Day! Almost had a threesome!
Just needed two more people!

The husband, typically unroman...

I ordered my girlfriend flowers on Valentine's day
that didn't arrive (or were stolen from the porch), so I gave her the delivery confirmation instead.

It was an Oedipal Arrangement.

The first looks confused "Don't you have a vase you could put them i...

What did the French baker buy his wife to surprise her on Valentine's day?
BOO-lingerie

'Great!' the man replies, 'I'll take eight.'

Q: What do squirrels give for Valentine's Day?
A: Forget-me-nuts.

What is the true purpose of Valentine's Day?

Finding love on valentine's day
Is the equivalent to finding santa at Christmas

This Valentine's Day I expect to be inundated.

I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day and she said 'treat me like a princess!'
I'm having her killed in a traffic accident in Paris.

The second scoffs "Oh, please. These days, he just buys me a half-dozen roses, and expects me to get on my back and spread my legs."

"I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day," she said to her boyfriend. "What do you think it means?"

Valentines Day is the day that the "V" and "D" come together.

Q: What do you call a very small valentine?
A: A valen-tiny!

Valentines Slogans

You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class, Especially when I'm spanking, your big-round-fat ass.

I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny, So right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny!

Why didn’t Cupid shoot the arrow in the lawyer’s heart? Because not even Cupid can reach such a small

What did the bulb for the switch say? – You start me.

I never loved you more than I did, even in this second.

Valentines jokes

Why did he break away from his beloved cannibal? It was not to his taste!

Valentine’s Day is for people who lack the imagination to be romantic during the rest of the year.
Tips for Guys on Valentine’s Day: Tell your girl you already got something and make her guess. She’ll automatically list things she want.

This Valentine's Day, I'm sending telepathic gifts.
Because it's the thought that counts.

I have my entire Valentine's day planned with my toaster!
Okay, so first, we're going to take a bath.

Apparently it's not really the thought that counts.

"Honey, on this Valentine's Day, I want to tell you something... I'm not rich like Jack, I don't have a mansion like Russell, or I don't have a Porsche like Martin, but I do love you and want to marry you."
"Oh, dear... I love you too... but, what was that you said about Martin?"

I love Valentines Day. The bottle of wine. The Heart-Shaped Ice Cream Cake...
Taking them home and eating them alone while crying and watching youtube videos.

Get over here and eat my heart-shaped box.

I got you a heart-shaped box… in my pants.

The butler was impressed but asked, “why two gifts for your wife, sir?”

I'm finally going on a Date this valentine's Day
I wish I could post this in another subreddit.

“Oh, what’s it called?” asks the other man enthusiastically.

What do you get your mom for Valentine’s?
An Oedipal arrangement

If he's busy on Valentines Day, the side chick is you! What did the painter say to her boyfriend? "I love you with all my art!" What do single people call Valentine's Day? Happy Independance Day What is the difference between a calendar and you? A calendar has a date on Valentine's day. What's the best part about Valentines Day? The day after when all the chocolate goes on sale. Why did the pig give his girlfriend a box of candy? It was Valenswine's Day!

What is the true purpose of Valentine's Day? To remind single people they are single. Why is Valentine's Day the best day for a celebration? Because you can really party hearty! What did one oar say to the other? "Can I interest you in a little row-mance?" What did the pencil say to the paper? "I dot my i's on you!"

Guys act all sweet but it soon will fade, For all they are doing is trying to get laid. The arrow Cupid shot at me must not have hit, Because I think love is a big crock of shit! So here is my story, what else can I say? Love bites my ass… Fuck Valentine’s Day!

As I'm standing there naked see says stop wearing my clothes you're stretching them out.

The bartender finally can't contain his curiosity and approaches the man. "You must have 500 o...
Two old men are sitting in the lounge chatting.
The one says,” You should try the restaurant my wife and I went to last night. Pricey but well worth the money.“

If he's busy on Valentines Day, the side chick is you! Valentines Day shouldn't be the only day you place a girl above everything else Tomorrow is Valentine's day. Don't worry if you're single. You're going to die alone anyway! I can't wait for valentines day because I get to make cupcakes for a special someone and that special someone is me.

My girlfriend wants me to take her somewhere that they make they food right in front of you for Valentine’s.
Subway here I come...

For Valentine's Day my girlfriend told me to give her nine inches and make it hurt...
... so I fucked her twice and hit her with a rock.
My buddy just got kicked out of his house. His wife was hinting at Valentine's day plans and asked him if he knew her favorite flower.
"Gold Medal All Purpose" apparently wasn't the answer.

"But why?" asked Mike. "Valentine's Day Joke"
Mike walked into a post office just before Valentine's day, he couldn't help noticing a middle-aged, balding man standing in a corner sticking "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. Then the man got out a bottle of Channel perfume from his pocket and started spraying scen...