Dear NASA, Your mom thought I was big enough. - Pluto
A man is like a snowstorm. You never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it will last.
The Little Rascal's class were having a spelling test. The teacher asks if anyone can use the word "admire" in a sentence. Spanky raises his hand and says, "I admire my dog." "Good job," the teacher replies, "Now, who can use 'respect' in a sentence?" Alfalfa raises his hand and says, "I respect Spanky for admiring his dog." "Ok, " replies the teacher, "now who can use the word 'dictate' in a sentence?" There is silence in the class, then all of a sudden Buckwheat says, "Darla how did my dictate !?!"
Why do woman have two sets of lips? One set to tell you off with, and the other to make you forget you're mad!
I told my wife that I would get a tattoo on my pecker of a one-million dollar bill. This way she can blow a million bucks without leaving the house.
What's the difference between a pregnant lady and a light bulb? You can unscrew a light bulb.
A hippie backpacker from the Swiss Alps was tramping across a farmers field when it got dark. He asked the farmer if he could spend the night. The farmer agreed but said he would have to sleep in bed with his 18 year old daughter. The farmer told him, "If I catch you molesting my daughter I'll shoot you!" That night the hippie and the farmers daughter got it on and had a great time. The farmer could hear the goings on from the next room. In the morning he opened the door and asked the hippie, "Did you have sex with my daughter?" The hippie was a Jesus freak so he decided to be honest: "Yes, I did. Please forgive me." The farmer took the hippie out back of the house and pointed a shotgun at him. "Ya got any last words, bub?" he asked. The Swiss hippie said, "Yodelayheehoo!" Then the farmer shot him. When the Sheriff arrived, he asked the farmer why he shot the man just for having sex with his daughter. The farmer replied, "Well, I didn't really have a problem with him screwing Bonnie. I was just gonna scare him a little, but when he said, 'Yer 'ol lady too!' that's when I blew his head off."
A black guy has three wishes. He wishes to be white, uptight, and out of sight. Poof, he's a tampon.
A little boy and girl are sitting in a bathtub together. The girl looks down and asks, "Can I touch it?" The boy replies, "No, you already broke yours off!"
Q: What did the storm say to the almond tree?
A: "Hold on to your nuts, cause you're about to get a blowjob."
"I admit it, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away."
A man, shocked by how his buddy is dressed, asks him, “How long have you been wearing that bra?” The friend replies, “Ever since my wife found it in my car's glove compartment.”
A naked man broke into a church. The police chased him around and finally caught him by the organ.
NASA sex jokes: Did you have sex with my daughter? I admit it, I have a tremendous sex drive.