"Let's make sure you get something off your wish-list tonight."

Q: What do priests and Christmas trees have in common?
A: Their balls are ornamental.

Q: What's the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet?
A: The Christmas alphabet has Noel.

Keep an eye out for elves with ropes and a blindfold! Why? Cause I asked Santa for you this Christmas.

Baby, we need to get together before Christmas — because you can’t spell “love” with No-el.

If you wake up in a box tomorrow morning, it’s cause I asked for the sexiest person in the world for Christmas. Dear Santa, I would like a new birth suit this year. The old one is wrinkly and sagging.

Dirty Christmas jokes

Q: What's Santa's safe sex tip?
A: Wrap your package before shoving it down the chimney.

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the gates of heaven. "In honor of this holy season," he said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

"Santa Clause is cuming to town."

"I want to eat your milk and cookies."

"Show me those sugar plums."

"Deck my balls."

How is Christmas just like any other day at the office?
You do a bunch of work and some guy in a suit gets all the credit.

What’s the most disappointing thing for a lover on Christmas morning?
When they get a sweater, but they’re hoping for a screamer or a moaner.

Naughty List or Nice List? Who cares! We’re all adults now and ready to cut loose and have a little fun for the remainder of the year. We want to read literotica, send those scandalous sexts, use those Christmas pick up lines, and instigate some dirty truth or dare fun with our baes and friends. First, though, we want to tell some truly bad and extra dirty jokes about Christmas.

There’s something so magical and wonderful about Christmas time. Everyone is in the best of moods and on their best behavior. If you’re a grown-up, though, you know there’s really no reason to be nice. That’s right: Why not be a little naughty? You can get your “bad (ass) mom” status in so many ways. Maybe you’re spiking your hot chocolate or flirting with bae under the mistletoe at the family Christmas dinner. You might also experiment with naughtiness by asking for one (or more) battery-operated toys of your own for Christmas. Girl, Santa isn’t real — get down with your bad self!

I could work with the elves in the ribbon-tying department because I’m a pretty knotty girl.
Christmas Pick-Up Lines Part

How does Santa practice safe sex?
He always wraps his package before shoving it down the chimney.

Why doesn’t Santa have kids of his own?
He only comes once a year.

What did Santa sing when he went down the chimney?
“Chestnuts roasting on an open fire…”

You know, that’s not a candy cane in my pocket…
I’m just THAT happy to see you.

Screw the nice list; I’ve got you on my “nice and naughty list!

"Better wrap that present up before you give it to me."

Of course, there are things that live in the dark corners of the internet that could land you on Santa’s naughty list for life. So, you may not want to go poking around too much. Luckily, we’ve gone ahead and rounded up some NSFW, adults-only jokes that’ll have you spit-laughing out that eggnog come the holidays. So relax, unwind, and, enjoy these funnies responsibly.

Interested in more Christmas fun? We’ve got a bunch of jolly pages, which include Christmas riddles, Nightmare Before Christmas quotes, Christmas games, and more!

What do snowmen use to make snowbabies?
Snowballs.

One Christmas, a little boy wrote to Santa Claus saying, “Please send me a sister.”
Santa Claus wrote him back, “Okay, please send me your mother.”

Why is Santa so damn jolly?
Because he knows where all the naughty women live.

Wanna see the North Pole?
That’s what Mrs. Claus calls it…

What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa?
A rebel without a Claus.

What did Santa sing when he went down the chimney?
Chestnuts roasting on an open fire…

Are you Christmas? Because I want to Merry you.

"Miracle on [insert your street name]."

The Santa at the shopping mall was quite surprised when he saw Martha, a woman in her mid-twenties, asking to sit on his lap. We all know Santa doesn’t usually take requests from adults, but she smiled at him very nicely and he ended up asking her what she wanted for Christmas.
“Something for my mother, please,” she replied.
“Something for your mother? That’s very loving and thoughtful of you,” smiled Santa. “What would you like me to bring her?”
Emily answered quickly, “A son-in-law.”

I love Valentines Day. The bottle of wine. The Heart-Shaped Ice Cream Cake...
Taking them home and eating them alone while crying and watching youtube videos.

Get over here and eat my heart-shaped box.

I got you a heart-shaped box… in my pants.

The butler was impressed but asked, “why two gifts for your wife, sir?”

I'm finally going on a Date this valentine's Day
I wish I could post this in another subreddit.

“Oh, what’s it called?” asks the other man enthusiastically.

What do you get your mom for Valentine’s?
An Oedipal arrangement

Christmas Pick-Up Lines Part

Are you Adam Sandler? Because I’m ready to give you eight crazy nights.

Forget Santa, you’re on my nice list.

If a big man puts you in a bag tonight, don’t worry. I told Santa I wanted you for Christmas.

Are you a tree topper? Because I’ve been told I’m a star on top.

If you were a tree, you’d be an evergreen, because I bet you look this good year round.

Q: What did Santa say to his wife?
A: It's going to reindeer.

Q: Why did the Grinch rob the liquor store?
A: He desperately needed some holiday spirit.

Q: Why does Santa land on the roof?
A: Because he likes it on top.

What does One Direction and my Christmas tree have in common?
They both have ornamental balls.

Dear Santa…
Define good.

The second man reached into his pockets and pulled out a set of keys. They jingled as he shook them and he said, "They're bells."

"Santa needs a little helper."

"Your special present is inside my box."

Why did the Snowman want a divorce?
Because his wife was a total flake.

Are you looking for a tree topper? Because I’ve been told I’m a star on top.

Like candy canes and Christmas, me and you were mint for each other.

When m'y girlfriend said let's not bother and do nothing this year for valentine's day
I agreed and realised way later that included sex
I gave my wife the scales for the St. Valentine's day
She gave me a ruler.

It was Valentine's day and Jim and Danielle's first date.  
They sat in the darkened cinema waiting for the film to start.
The screen finally lit up with a flashy advertisement for the cinema's concession stand.  
Jim and Danielle realised that there was no sound.
The film began but the silence continued.
Suddenly, out of the darkness, an irritated voice in the crowd loudly shouted, "Okay, who's got the remote control?"