Dirty Christmas jokes

Q: What's Santa's safe sex tip?
A: Wrap your package before shoving it down the chimney.

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the gates of heaven. "In honor of this holy season," he said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

"Santa Clause is cuming to town."

"I want to eat your milk and cookies."

"Show me those sugar plums."

"Deck my balls."

How is Christmas just like any other day at the office?
You do a bunch of work and some guy in a suit gets all the credit.

What’s the most disappointing thing for a lover on Christmas morning?
When they get a sweater, but they’re hoping for a screamer or a moaner.

If you don’t like Valentine’s Day because it’s corny… how about, instead, we make it porn-y?

Love is blind. Marriage is an eye-opener. I’m like butter, you can spread me anytime. You make me feel like a unicorn – wild and horny.

Girl: "I can't be your valentine for medical reasons." Boy: "Really?" Girl: "Yeah, you make me sick!" What did the valentines day card say to the stamp? Stick with me and you'll go places What do farmers give their wives on Valentine's Day? Hogs and kisses! Roses are red, violets are blue.