What does Pinocchio's lover say to him? "Lie to me! Lie to me!"
How do you make five pounds of fat look good? Put a nipple on it!
A man comes home early from work and shouts, "Honey, I'm home!" No reply. So he goes upstairs and calls from the landing, "Honey, I am home," but still no reply. Frustrated, he goes into the bedroom and finds his wife on the bed, stark naked. "Oh Norman, I didn't expect you this early," she says, holding her chest and breathing heavily. He thinks she is having an heart attack and runs downstairs to ring for an ambulance. He starts dialing the emergency number when his young daughter starts pulling at his jacket. "Dad," she says. "Dad," she says again. "What is it? I'm busy," he says. "Uncle Jack is in the wardrobe with no clothes on," she tells him. He drops the phone and runs back to the bedroom. "You bastard, you f**king bastard," he shouts angrily at Norman. "You bastard! My wife is having a heart attack and you are going around scaring the kids!"
Q: What do you call two nuts on the wall?
A: Walnuts.
Q: What do you call two nuts on the chest? A: Chestnuts.
Q: What do you call two nuts on your chin?
A: A Blowjob.
My boyfriend wants to have a threesome. So I told him when cloning is legal, then he can have one.
A guy hires a hooker and brings her to his hotel. The hooker is in bed ready for action, and the guy starts undressing. The hooker begins to laugh when he drops his boxers and asks, "Who do you think your're going to please with THAT thing?" The guy responds, "Me baby, me!"
What's better than roses in your piano? Tulips in your organ!
Bob was scared of going in the shower alone so he asked his dad to go in the shower with him his dad said "yes but dont look down" when bob and his dad were in the shower bob looked down and said"whats that" his dad said "its just a snake" the next day bob asked his mum to go in the shower with him his mum said "yes but dont look up or down" in the shower bob looked up and said "what are they" his mum said "theyre headlights" so bob looked down and said "whats that" his mum said "its a bush" that night bob had a nightmare so he asked his parents if he could sleep in their bed they said "yes but dont look down" bob climbed into bed and looked down and said "mum turn the headlights on theres a snake going into a bush"
Why do walruses love a tupperware party?
They’re always on the lookout for a tight seal.
What do you call two jalapeños getting it on?
Fucking hot!
Know what a 6.9 is?
Another good thing screwed up by a period.
How does a Welsh man find a sheep in tall grass??? Quite lovely, actually.
Sex jokes #2026: